OhItsThatGuyAgain - Journal (replies welcome)

I once again tried real hard on trying to not focus on thought-forms whatsoever in yet another desperate attempt at hoping that I can get my unconscious mind to cease inducing all hallucinations through sheer force of will.

I began to develop a headache a few seconds later. Not the first time, either. The thought-forms have also previously shown that they do not like it when I have headaches... which they use as justification to become increasingly more aggressive until my headache worsens or I fall asleep.

Here's another important one for me:

Thought-forms had suggested in 2019 that I was actually in a catatonic state or some sort of coma and that I was actually in a hospital (instead of here at home) and that I would wake up with a nurse (same nurse that the thought-forms had claimed I'd decapitated and to turn myself in to the nearest police station over) standing by my hospital bed. As recently as this past year; they still continue to push for such a narrative. Not much explanation as to how or when this is supposed to occur other than maybe I simply need to stop going outside to pick up my meds, stop watching TV or using the internet, and to simply stay in bed for an indefinite amount of time (anywhere from a few days up to several years). As not a single hour went by in which I was not hallucinating while I was involuntarily committed to a hospital while under the influence of an antipsychotic--getting up and off of my bed only to consume the meals that the staff insisted all patients must consume and to pick up my daily dose of the antipsychotic that I was being forcefully medicated with; I get the feeling that such a 72-hour, thousand-dollar confinement to a hospital would not be enough to satisfy these thought-forms.

Forgot to add a few more things to some of my earlier posts today:

Thought-forms also disregard that one of my longest-lasting obsessions I've had with a woman lasted from when I first met her in early-2005 and was pretty much over by early-2012. A little over four years elapsed in between the last time I met with her (early-2008) and when I first found out that she'd gotten married and had at least one child with her husband by 2009 or so (I first found out about this sometime in early-2012 and it was one of those things that made me go, "well, that's that. Never gonna' happen with her. I definitely waited too long.")

I compare that situation with my 2017 therapist. It's been over six years since I last met with her. I think that if it hadn't been for the thought-forms; I'd more than likely would have stopped thinking about her by sometime in 2020 as I was throughout 2018 and 2019. There were several moments in 2020, 2021, and a few in early-2022 that made me go, "huh. I feel a lot better now when seeing her face. I guess I've finally gotten over her." It is now 2023 and in many ways, I gotta' say; I feel even more depressed (in general) than perhaps any other point in my life. No one person or thing per se does it, but the thought-forms' persistent presence most certainly does not help (they're smiling at me sadistically as I write this--whereas in previous years; they'd be a lot quieter and nicer after I'd consumed dinner). This goes to show that whatever medication I was taking that they wanted me to stop taking wasn't in itself causing these hallucinations--nor was the medication making the thought-forms' behaviors increasingly more hostile, unreasonable, inappropriate, vicious, and disturbing with each passing year. It makes no sense that they would've gotten this bad over three years later. It makes no sense that their behaviors remain unchanged even over a week or two since I last consumed the medication that they'd previously insisted so strongly that I cease.

Thought-forms now find this amusing--claiming that my only problem with them is the little boy doing his inappropriate thing daily (as he's been doing over these past fifteen minutes or so)... completely disregarding that I was already commanding them to leave, to cease inducing all hallucinations immediately, and to never return way back in 2019 and 2020... over one to two years before they'd even begun using the little boy behaving sexually on a day-to-day basis for over 300 days in a row.

Another note to self:

Thought-forms resumed using the little boy's voice (which went hand-in-hand with the visual depiction of the little boy within less than two to five seconds) within less than one to five minutes after I'd begun browsing the posts on a different forum after posting a reply in this thread. They once again show that they will continue using the little boy over undefined, ever-changing rules on the fly for an indefinite amount of time (as they've been doing daily for over a year). They do this even after (sometimes hinting at, other times outright stating) suggesting that they would stop using the little boy altogether as they did just a few minutes ago. They do this daily now, too.

Based off of their current reactions; I fear that they will use this post to further justify using the little boy in such a manner (hinting at the idea here that I'm giving internet trolls more "fuel"). "So what?" one of them asks (using my mouth--which they tend to do when I mouthbreath--even after strenuous physical activity... sometimes even as I exhale through my nose with my mouth closed).

Another big one for me:

Thought-forms admit that they aren't manipulating others (e.g. my mother) to make my life any easier. On the contrary; they've basically admitted that they're having me regress to a child-like state and to accept that my mother is the way she is because she's the adult and I am not. It's strongly implied daily that this will continue for another few years until either I die in 2025 or my mother days sometime in 2036 or 2037 (the thought-forms told me in 2019 that my mother would live to be 90 whereas I'd apparently be dead by 2025... over a decade before my mother turns 90). They've also admitted that they can and do manipulate others (not just people involved in my life, but worldwide) and that such people either agree to be manipulated of their own volition to screw with me, or they do so subconsciously without realizing that they're being manipulated (as it often seems to be the case with my mother).

Thought-forms also often decide to random show me young women that I find to be sexually attractive performing fellatio on me... as they've begun to do a few minutes ago as I began to write this post. This occurs a lot more rarely with women than it does with the little boy, however--which (among other reasons)--almost completely ruins the effect of being shown such women doing this (especially seeing as to they use the same animations--it's like they have some sort of "wireframe" of a pornographic actress performing fellatio and they then take the full-body models/skins/scans of various women, men, and children--and use them interchangeably at random).

One thing that really bothers me about this whole thing since the thought-forms showed up was how in 2019 they'd very strongly pushed for the idea that I was important enough to have at least one of my biggest wishes be fulfilled at some point over the course of the first three to six months... which was basically disclosure of the paranormal on at least an individual level (just me; I'd learned very quickly early on that asking to have anybody else have the paranormal proven to was already too much... I'd eventually learn that having it proven to me indisputably was also asking too much).

The thought-forms obsess more over sex than I did before they'd shown up. They have me focus on and obsess over sex than anyone in my life ever has. Whereas the actual, professional health care providers rarely asked me about my sex life (perhaps once every few months or once every year of so); the thought-forms bring up sex several times daily. It's like the "best" they can do is show me pornographic imagery--but not for masturbation material--no--they want me to become so aroused that I actively seek women to have sex with daily completely disregarding my unemployment, lack of higher education, poor physical health, the fact that I still live with my mother, etc. They also lack the patience to allow me to lose body fat and gain muscle mass--no--they want me to have sex--right now--today--this very moment. With anyone (apparently). Not just women and men (even after having told me in 2019 that "homosexuality is a sin" and that it was among the reasons that I'd ended up in Hell over, not because I'm a homosexual, but simply because I approved of it)... but even minors. Teenagers, tweens. They encouraged it in 2019 and a few times after that. It was one of the reasons that my 7cupsoftea therapist had me 5150'd over last year. They even encouraged groping. Sexual assault.

Thought-forms once again (another one of those things that's not a first) admit that they intend to have me involuntarily committed to a hospital a second time around. There doesn't seem to be any actual reasoning behind this other than sadistic pleasure for internet trolls. The thought-forms had previously suggested that they planned to have me become a sort of "boy who cried wolf". Before and after getting myself 5150'd last year; the thought-forms kept repeating, "nobody will believe you," and, "nobody gives a $#%^," (among other such comments). Their reactions this year and even today goes further to prove to me that things aren't changing for the better in my life in 2023. Based off of my mother's reaction to being taken away by police to the hospital in 2022 and the thought-forms' subsequent response over the next few months up until today; I get the feeling that internet trolls are indeed finding my situation entertaining and do not plan to help me improve. In fact: it would seem that what the thought-forms referred to as a "psychic awareness" program in 2019 was specifically designed to condition me into never asking for help with anything ever again, and desensitize me to anyone trying to help. Thought-forms blame me for this even after confirming that this has been an on-going process for several years before the thought-forms first made their presence visually known in 2019. They continue to claim that I was somehow "egging" internet trolls in late-2019 (even in a time in which I no longer owned cell phones, nor video game consoles, nor personal computers, nor did I even have any internet access at home, and the one public library that I enjoyed going to due to the large number of public computers in their computer room would end up being closed for several months) into inducing these hallucinations for the next several years. That last part obviously disregards that I would have had to have been spied on remotely without my knowledge here at home... for several years essentially from when I first moved in (2015/2016) up until late-2019 and now in 2023.

Thought-forms have once again resumed using the little boy over some of the most minor things. Simply speculating on what else to write here seems to be enough of a "justification" for them.

Here's another important one that I might forget soon:

Thought-forms had actually promised me that they would make a full, public disclosure of telepathy and psychic abilities at some point within the four months of December of 2019, January of 2020, February of 2020, and March of 2020. They even had me whip my own back with one of my belts up to 20 to 50 times to have this come true (I'd looked up "electronic harassment" in 2019 and found that I wasn't even the first person manipulated into whipping his own back with a belt by means of electronic harassment). Obviously: the full disclosure never occurred.

Also in 2019; the thought-forms had confirmed to me that extraterrestrial life was indeed real and here on Earth. Almost every night; they'd tell me, "tonight is also possible." The most I ever got during that time were a few lucid dreams and nightmares to go with very vivid and opaque hypnopompic and hypnagogic hallucinations. Nothing empirical, nothing that could be considered indisputable evidence of the paranormal. Most certainly no physical evidence beyond what I was doing to my own body (e.g. whipping myself). During the whippings; they'd also been using some sort of voice synthesizer like what they use to disguise women's voices while being interviewed for television broadcasts.

Here's another important one for me (I'm starting to think that pretty much all of these are "for" me; although, I'd been doing much better up until about two to five years before the thought-forms first appeared to me back when I hardly ever bothered to write anything autobiographical especially in 2015):

Thought-forms have already confirmed (sometimes in the usual "apologetic" way they do which has basically come down to the little boy "choking up" as if he's about to cry in between his usual, shamelessly inappropriate and erotic behaviors that sometimes last for hours) that the people they represent have been intentionally sabotaging my attempts throughout my life to improve (e.g. I can recall an instance perhaps mere minutes before I'd been planning to do something important in early-2004 in which I was mysteriously interrupted--there were a few other moments similar in vein over the years in which I'd felt that various family members were being subtly manipulated into sabotaging my attempts at improving myself... at least once every year starting from 2006 or 2007... a few years that really stick out to me would be 2010+2011 and 2015... awkward little situations that made me go, "what the hell was that? What the hell is going on?")

Sometime last year or this one: as I was writing about the woman I once saw in Oxnard in early-2015 and whom I'd hardly given much serious thought about until the thought-forms showed me an image of her in late-2019... I'd heard a mature, masculine voice tell me, "we just don't give a ###$." I took this to mean at least two things: #1). thought-forms really do represent law enforcement personnel (both men and women alike--mostly men based off of a head count of police officers I've spoken with over the years) and care not about unnecessarily breaking the law to spy on people, #2). thought-forms represent internet trolls that love to point fingers at "enemies" too difficult to fight (technically: internet trolls outnumber law enforcement by the millions and are potentially more difficult to "fight"... thought-forms had previously confirmed that I was sabotaging myself by pointing this out to them over three years ago).

The situation with the Oxnard woman in 2015 sticks out to me for a number of reasons. One that really sticks out is the fact that I saw that woman roughly two years before I'd met my therapist from 2017 (whom the thought-forms would later claim I'd done the "same thing" to and were supposedly already involved in my life over several months before I'd even met her). To think that the thought-forms and/or whomever they truly represent would know about this woman whom I barely thought about beyond that one particular day in 2015 and whom the thought-forms felt was important enough to bring up over four years later in late-2019...

I forgot to add to my last post that the thought-forms have strongly implied (even sometimes confirmed) that I was never trusted with leading a normal adult life--that it was decided as a child that I was intellectually deficient and/or otherwise mentally disabled and that any attempts to self-improve as a child, adolescent, and/or adult would be repeatedly sabotaged until the day I die (including socially, academically, romantically, sexually, financially/economically, spiritually, etc.) both multiple groups of people (both law enforcement and internet trolls included) with multiple motives.

"So what?" the thought-forms repeatedly to ask as I write this and other posts in this thread--even after confirming this to be correct. Just now.