OhItsThatGuyAgain - Journal (replies welcome)

Thought-forms continue to confirm that they intend to drive me into committing suicide before the end of the year 2025. They smile at me now. *mod edit* They laugh. It's fairly obvious to me where this is headed (as it has been for about a year or two--perhaps more--but thought-forms continue to push me into using the internet time and time again... mostly unrelated to my interests in history, which, by this point, all of my research would soon to be turning up fruitless... for me, anyway. Others continue to be using my research... for now anyway

Not only do thought-forms induce hallucinations; but, they also show a capacity at inducing nightmares, mental & emotional states (e.g. a persistent sense of dread), and delusions (including but not limited to: Cotard's delusion, Truman Show delusion, solipsism syndrome, and erotomanic delusions). The first three (especially Cotard's; although, the first three just kinda' "blend" in together producing a "Limbo" or even "Hell" -like mental+emotional state) are, by far, the most overt. Thought-forms would recently seem to be making stronger and stronger attempts at inducing erotomanic delusions involving various celebrities, health care providers, and other random women... perhaps in an attempt at producing a celebrity stalker similar to the man who stalked Jodie Foster many years ago.

*mod edit*

"You bet."

"So what?" (something like at least six to nine times)

"We just don't give a ###$." (x2)

"Correct."

Thought-forms continue to show a complete and total disregard for any of my dreams and ambitions.

"We are also stupid," they tell me in a sarcastic tone.

"Hell yeah."

Whereas in years such as 2019 and perhaps 2020; thought-forms would encourage me to pursue my ambitions in regards to my history research--they now ridicule me daily when I show even the remotest interest and excitement for it (pretending that excitement inevitably went hand-in-hand with anxiety and other painful sensations and emotions). I've actually covered this part several times in the past with them, even in these posts, but they now fight me more aggressively over the slightest interest in anything unrelated to sex, violence, and thought-forms than they did two to three years ago.

Also in 2020; they'd often tell me that I was "over-using it" and/or being "wasteful" when writing on notebooks using pens and pencils (as I basically had no internet access and nothing to type with... no PCs here at home, and all public libraries were closed most of 2020). They also claimed that I was "over-using" my psychiatrist's recommended 3-2-4 breathing technique until I eventually gave up in trying to use it. They reacted similarly to my attempts at meditating and power-napping until by 2021; I'd pretty much given up on both as well.

In 2021... once I regained internet access here at home with my brother's old tablet; they'd, too, claim that I was "over-using it" and being "wasteful". Whenever I attempted to edit Wikipedia articles--even the simplest things such as list, chart, and table articles--the thought-forms would ridicule me with their "Ogun" thought-form telling me, "don't do this to [insert random cousin's name here]" and the Armenian fella would tell me, "nobody ever cared for you" as I attempted to edit. They continue to ridicule me even now mere seconds after behaving "apologetically" as they usually do--sometimes using emoticons such as ":(". The little boy would sometimes remain (fully-clothed earlier on in 2021--and somewhat quietly doing these weird gymnastics stunts in the background in a relatively non-erotic manner like watching some sort of "screensaver" of a video game character displaying an "idle" animation... still very annoying, as they would regularly claim to be leaving but would return pretty much as soon as I'd get up to do something else like use the bathroom or go to bed to sleep).

"We're doing the same thing to Areg Fuller." (I'd been told in 2019 that she'd either been murdered, or committed suicide)

Thought-forms are now claiming that the production and distribution of child pornography is actually commonplace, encouraged, and perfectly normal behavior--and that I'm the only person to have a problem with this, and that it makes me "weak" for reacting "poorly" to being exposed to pornographic imagery of various children several times every day--mornings, days, and nights--whether I be falling asleep, waking up, dreaming... for over 300 days in a row. Unfortunately--thought-forms have a remarkable capacity at inducing Cotard's delusion daily. What this means is that not only do I feel truly dead much of the time, it often feels as if I'm literally in Hell. Even when I'm outside. During daytime. Around people. Even after having spoken to other human beings.

So, yes. That's pretty much what it feels like a lot of the time.

Thought-forms just told me to not "shame" (not even by thought alone in a different room) my mother. This is a very rare occurrence. For whatever reason; they'd previously claim that I was somehow "shaming" random cousins (thought-forms would usually name two male cousins and two female cousins--three of those cousins pretty much never interacted with my mother, and one of them in particular I cannot recall ever saying anything about my mother whatsoever, and yet he's the one that thought-forms mention the most whenever I think anything even remotely negative about my mother for even a split-second).

"Please kill yourself," the thought-forms tell me (I'm pretty sure that I've never told anyone to go kill themselves, and yet thought-forms continue to claim that I'd done the same to others over three years later).

"So what?" (x2)

Anyway. Internally; this is perhaps one of the mental+emotional states in which I've felt is the closest to a real, physical Hell before finally being dismembered and dying. After which--as thought-forms insist on having me "pick" only from two "planes" of "existence" (only "Heaven" and "Hell"--nothing "in between"--no Limbo, no Purgatory, and there's no such thing as the "circles" of Hell, either, apparently)...

...despite the fact that I still find this absurd; I find it more likely that I end up in Hell than anything else. Not because I feel that I "deserve" it, but because that's pretty much how absurd the world feels to me... which apparently--the thought-forms suggest it's the thought alone that suffices. The thought that existence is absurd.

Friday, the 19th of May of 2023 @ ≈6:54 (PST); ≈1,236—1,411 days have passed since these hallucinations began

≈405—908 days have passed since the thought-forms first began to induce visual, auditory, and tactile hallucinations involving a *mod edit*.. as they were mere seconds ago, so they were over one year ago, and continue to do so daily.

"We just don't give a ###$," they've told me twice today.

"Thou shalt not over-use Edgar." ("Edgar" being among their many names for the little boy which now number anywhere from at least five to ten different names... most of these names were "borrowed" from real people I've met--and combined with other people's surnames over these past few months)

"Thou shalt not shame Edgar."

Are among many such repetitive "commands" that thought-forms continue to repeat to me--and blaming me for it--as if I ever told them to repeat such "orders" to me over three years after one of their own first told me, "learn to control your thought-forms and then we'll talk." They laugh at me as I write this.

"Shut the ###$ up we did the same thing to [insert random family member's name here]." They repeat yet again.

I then ask, "why would you do that to [insert random family member's name here]?"

To which they tend to interrupt mid-sentence with things like, "thou shalt not do the same thing to [insert random family member's name here]."

I sometimes respond with, "but you just told me that you're already doing the same thing in order to justify using the little boy like this on me daily..." by which point the hallucinations have already intensified to intense, tactile hallucinations to go with the visual and auditory involving the *mod edit*. This often drags on for hours and tends to intensify whenever I try doing anything other than writing these posts on the PsychForums nowadays.

"I just don't give a ###$," they tell me only seconds before blaming a random cousin not present, claiming that this happened "last year", apologizing, adding "you betcha'", and asking "so what?"

They laugh again. "But of course!" they exclaim (in Spanish) before resuming with the little boy (sometimes wearing bright red lipstick while performing fellatio).

They laugh yet again as if they know that this post will more than likely not go through for a very long while, if ever.

It could easily go either way. I can see this getting worse regardless.

"Well, yeah." And, "we just don't give a ###$," as they get more aggressive at inducing physical pain

Thought-forms continue to use the *mod edit*, all the while smiling, laughing, claiming to have done the same thing to some random family member with whom I've had pretty much zero problems with, pretending as if this is so obvious, telling me to go outside to the bank roughly two to three hours before the nearest banks (which are roughly 5 to 40 minutes away on foot) open, and after having confirmed that my family intentionally wasted over $750 to sacrifice chickens, goats, and various other animals just to have a Santeria witch doctor tell me that I had all of the deities of Santeria and even the Judeo-Christian God on my side and that they agreed with me, and am now even having the thought-forms telling me that "nobody buys that part" all the while expecting me to believe that they're literally the gods themselves and "mostly female law enforcement personnel" who've apparently been spying on me since 2015 and even happen to know just about everything that the Santeria witch doctors and everyone else involved specifically told me on those dates in 2019. "Well yeah" they tell me as they smile at me.

Thought-forms have continued with the little boy again.

Saturday, the 20th of May of 2023 @ 9:27 AM (PST); ≈1,297–1,420 days have passed since these hallucinations began; ≈1,297–1,327 days have passed since the hallucinations decided to remain 24/7

Thought-forms continue with using the little boy by default—using him far more frequently than any of the "female" thought-forms and any of their "men".

They've also confirmed (not just today but a few times last year and perhaps before that)—that I didn't actually do anything different over these past three to four years compared to the previous three to four years that would have "justified" the use of the little boy as they've been doing daily for over one whole year—that they would have used the little boy in this manner regardless of any of my actions, behaviors, and/or thoughts.

"Well, yeah," and, "we did the same thing to [insert random cousin's name here]," and, "we just don't give a ###$," continue to be among their favorite "excuses" today.

They also go on to confirm yet again that I was never meant to "end up" with any of the real women I've been asked to "pick" from (e.g. as they had me pick from a nurse and a therapist around October 2019 and a few other females over the next few years, a few of which were and/or still are minors)... that I was supposed to be satisfied with fictionalized versions of real people, and neither be allowed to switch to any other female (whether they be imaginary, real, not present with me, random pedestrians, etc.), nor to even masturbate to any one of them. Every once in awhile they suggest that they're teaching me how to not be "pussy-whipped" (whether it be by my mother and/or any other woman). I'm pretty sure that I'm actually a lot more "pussy-whipped" now than I was four to ten years ago, and that I would've been a lot better off without the thought-forms' "help".

Thought-forms had me masturbate today on the premise that my "horniness" was aggravating the little boy. After masturbating to some internet pornography; they have now resumed with using the little boy as per usual. They now laugh at me and accuse me of somehow having induced these same hallucinations to some random cousin whom I last spoke with about one or two years ago and was a lot more friendly than he was twenty years ago.

"So what?" they ask before adding, "they're gonna' do the same thing." They later claimed to have done the same thing to the redheaded female doctor from February of 2021 whom I've only met with twice that month and I never saw her again, nor did I bother making any further attempts at contacting.