OhItsThatGuyAgain - Journal (replies welcome)

"We're gonna' do it again"

"We're gonna' ruin it again"

"We just don't give a ###$"

Thought-forms continue to shamelessly tell me "we just don't give a ###$" while showing me the n*mod edit* (sometimes seemingly physically-attached to my penis while I urinate) mere minutes after hinting at agreeing with me in regards to an old argument of mine in which the thought-forms themselves have simultaneously claimed to represent deities of Santeria (even pretending to literally be the deity "Ogun" himself--depicted as a black man) but have also had me completely disregard the advice (or orders, even) directly from actual witch doctors of Santeria (both of whom have been close friends of my family for several years and one of which is currently married to an aunt) especially in regards to staying indoors and sleeping here at home for a period of 8 days up to 6 months from July 2019 to January 2020.

"So what?" they ask yet again--completely disregarding what I just wrote above (to which they previously agreed with was a good point) while smiling at me--and expecting me to smile as the *mod edit* continues to remain almost persistently present now. They laugh.

Thought-forms continue to state the following:

• "We just don't give a ###$."
• "They just don't give a ###$."
• "So what?"
• "You betcha'."
• "We're gonna' do it again."
• "We're gonna' ruin it again."
• "We're gonna' say the same thing."
• "You're supposed to go outside."

The little boy reappears in the *mod edit*. They're obviously doing this on purpose.

"So what?" they ask.

"Nothing happened to Kiernan Shipka," only minutes after telling me that something happened to her because of something that I did, said, wrote, thought, and/or fantasized about at any point over these past 30 to 35 years or so in regards to her.

Thursday, May 18th, 2023 @ 9:43 AM (PST); ≈1295—1410 days since these hallucinations began

"Yes Kiernan Shipka is pretty," the thought-forms tell me within the same year that they've:

• Told me to not masturbate to pornography. Ever. (just yesterday)
• Refer to sexually-attractive women with "ew".
• Refer to the little boy as "so hot".
• Told me to not masturbate. Whatsoever.
• Told me to only masturbate to "Jan".
• Told me to not get sexually-aroused (or, "horn-dog it").
• Had me recall incidents in my life from >5—20 years ago.
• Had me not recall incidents (whether it involves thought-forms or otherwise) from <3—4 years ago—or even <1 minute ago.
• Had me recall things that the thought-forms themselves told me >3 years ago.

Thought-forms once again tell me to go outside (≥3x today) shortly after having my mother tell me that she'll be out and that I should stay home to wait for the men to fix our balcony door.

The thought-forms now smile at me and one of their "men" exclaims, "daaaaaamn!" in a mocking tone.

Thought-forms confirm again that I am soon expected to die a painful death (assuming that I'm not already dead--and even then--I could easily still suffer quite a bit more after death).

"You see?" one of them asks me.

I can recall over ten years ago (perhaps sometime in the 2007--2010 period) reading an infograph in regards to the benefits of having a "tulpa" (including improved memory). Up until late-2019; I'd never heard of "thought-forms" until, well, the arrival of up to 48 to 147 thought-forms in the last three months of that year. That same year; I'd gone to a public library to look up "thought-form" and found out that it's basically a less-common term for "tulpa". Thought-forms show an incapacity and/or careless attitude in being able to recall basic facts from just a few seconds ago, let alone 5 to 20 years ago. Thought-forms now claim that some random cousin wrote that infograph that I found on the internet over a decade ago. They also don't want me recall information from that far back because they apparently find it "shameful".

In 2019; thought-forms had told me that I'd committed suicide in the future (around Christmas of the year 2025). 2025 happens to also be the last year in which the restraining order will remain in effect. One thing that creeps me out about this is that when the police first arrived at my apartment sometime in August or September of 2019 in order to serve me my copy of the Temporary Restraining Order (TRO); I figured that the actual Restraining Order (RO) would begin taking full effect that same year (perhaps COVID played a part in the delay). Instead; I ended waiting over one whole year for it to begin taking full effect--in November of 2020. The RO is meant to last 5 years; so, it's almost as if the thought-forms knew that the RO would be from November 2020 to November of 2025 instead of September 2019 to September 2024. In 2019; thought-forms even warned me about some sort of "bio terrorism attack" in Los Angeles--roughly two or three months before COVID hit California. Thought-forms now attribute these hallucinations to the cousin I wrote about above.

"Hilarious"

"We just don't give a ###$"

*mod edit*

One other thing that the thought-forms tend to disregard nowadays:

In the early-2020 and/or 2021 period; they'd often interrupt any of my near-future planning within just a few days, hours, or even minutes in advance. They would use a mature, masculine voice to say, "thought so!" and, "...still asking for permission..." I couldn't understand what they meant. Did they expect me to do things (such as going to the bank to make a deposit, picking up my medication at a pharmacy, purchasing hygiene products at a store, etc.) without actually bothering to make a list of places I needed to go, or things I needed to buy, or people I needed to see... did they expect me to simply get up and go anywhere, without concerning myself as to whether or not I had any appointments to attend? A few months later; thought-forms wouldn't shut up (often times using the little boy--for which they now blame a cousin over and now ask why I blame him) for several hours on a day in which I had a dentist appointment until I finally realized that I was late. I ended up waiting several hours until dark to be seen by a dentist that day because I got there late. Thought-forms now laugh at me. Also months later: thought-forms would respond with, "are you sure?" whenever I would make attempts at planning to do anything in the near-future as if I ever needed their help in helping me recall where I needed to go in previous years such as 2015... of course: nowadays, thought-forms have a tendency to claim that they'd secretly been in my head as far back as years such as 2016 (through my 2017 therapist's boss apparently), or 2015 ("mostly female law enforcement personnel"--I'd actually only spoken with one female police officer that whole year whereas the rest were men), or even earlier (thought-forms insist on attributing just about any incident, event, hallucination, internet post or whatever to random family members--usually cousins--especially in regards to events from before the year 2015... suggesting that thought-forms are contradicting what they'd previously told me that up until 2019 I only supposedly had two thought-forms... one being based of my 2017 therapist's boss and another based off of her husband... thought-forms would later go on to tell me that those three people have been secretly involved in my life since I was a child... some of the most stupid "theories" I've ever heard in my life and that the thought-forms still continue to expect me to believe that I concocted entirely on my own both consciously and unconsciously and am not even allowed to "blame" or "shame" my own parents for even a split-second by thought alone over anything, ever). They now ask, "are you sure?" while smiling, as if pretending that I'm not describing what thought-forms have themselves been telling me for these past 3 to 4 years

"We just don't give a ###$"

"You did the same thing to [insert Feb. 2021 redheaded doctor's name here]"

Thought-forms continue to use the little boy as of 1 PM.

*mod edit*

"So what? We did the same thing to [insert random family member's name here]."

"We just don't give a ###$."

"So what?"

"You betcha'."

"Hell yeah."

Thought-forms continue to disregard how throughout much of last year and this one; they'd have me focus on "Jan" and/or one of their "women" while I attempted to focus on my independent studies through Wikipedia. Thought-forms would even ridicule me all throughout until I'd eventually given up. I sometimes compare my current situation with that of December of 2019. The little boy was not *mod edit* back then, and he was most certainly not sucking on anything. How in the world did I manage to renew both my guard card and exposed firearm permit over the course of a few hours back then?

So what exactly changed from then until now? I've barely gone outside since then, and barely spoken to anyone. They even claim that I'm being watched 24/7--both here at home and outside--and that it's been on-going for many years since before 2019... as far back as 2015. That would imply that assuming this to be true, that whoever was spying on me back then would've been able to see that the most I was doing was remaining seated in trains for hours on end in years such as 2016 and a bit of 2017.

"Solo por [insert random cousin's name here]."

Any of my further attempts to gather information from them in regards to accusations such as those from above now often results in physical pain while they laugh at and ridicule me.

*mod edit* They now tell me to not "use" one of the females while the little boy remains ever-visible. They now blame me for this as they'd been doing for about one or two years.

Thought-forms have also confirmed today (not the first) that they will continue using the little boy regardless as to whether I'm at school or at work, and regardless as to whether I even manage to "forget" that I'm supposed to imagine a young woman that looks like Rebecca Ferguson performing fellatio in the middle of a crowded classroom, or even if I manage to "forget" that I'm hallucinating at all. They laugh at me now as if indicating that they don't believe that I will ever return to school, or even be able to hold a job; in fact, thought-forms would previously often specify that I not go to school.

Thought-forms are basically expecting me to "buy into" their "diagnosis" which includes "disorders" that appear neither on the DSM nor ICD such as "pornophilia" and "melancholic schizophrenia" and to "never ask for help" ever again... not even in regards to having myself formally tested by actual professionals for real disorders (such as Asperger's--one of the many disorders that thought-forms previously told me I had, but told me to not bother with getting a proper diagnosis, but to accept the thought-forms' "diagnosis" at face value).

"And?"

Sometime in 2020--thought-forms even fought me aggressively over my attempts at: improving my drawing skills, trying to learn some basic geometry and algebra off of some old workbooks, and among other things. Back then; they would use the face of the husband of my 2017 therapist. They now claimed that that was secretly my cousin in disguise only to ask seconds later why it is that I'm "blaming" him. Just now; they confirmed that any semblance of "apologetic" behaviors are, in fact, false. Fake. Forced.

They smile now.

"Told ya'. Because what happened to Kiernan Shipka..."

Thought-forms have once again resumed using *mod edit* boy as I attempted to visualize a hypothetical public aquarium. They then accused me of somehow "shaming" some random cousin who has not been in this apartment in over four years and who, as far as I can tell, has never shown a particular interest in aquariums. They then changed the "excuse" to something to do with the actress Julia Butters. Within perhaps less than one or two minutes while I was attempting to urinate at my toilet; the thought-forms changed their "justification" to have something to do with some random cousin to something to do with some random actress from the film "The Fabelmans".

They now tell me not to "judge" (not the first time)