OhItsThatGuyAgain - Journal (replies welcome)

santorini wrote:I haven’t posted here in ages, but simply have to now. Sweety, I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I had to read every post a couple of time just to make some sense of it; I can’t even imagine having to live with all that.

You obviously know these are hallucinations and are able to function, at least to some degree, despite having them around. Are you taking any meds to control them? Are you in therapy? What does your Psych say? Someone must pay close attention and try to help you.

Hugs and if you want to chat or just have someone to listen to what you have to say, I am here.

My previous psychiatrist was prescribing an antipsychotic called Abilify back in the late-2017 to early-2019 period to treat depression and anxiety alone as I was not hallucinating back then just yet. My current psychiatrist decided to stop prescribing it to me, however, and the hallucinations began for the very first time in late-2019. I was seeing a therapist in 2021 as it was court-mandated to go with eight hours of community labor to be completed in between late-2020 and late-2021 and a restraining order that will remain in effect until 2025. I also had a 7cupsoftea therapist but my mother had me cancel my subscription after being involuntarily committed to a hospital.

Oh yeah; they're fighting me over this one.

Among the many "reasons" the thought-forms use to remain is supposedly to prevent painful, (possibly epileptic) seizure-like convulsions which I may have inherited from my father (who's been diagnosed with epilepsy since childhood and a DNA test in 2016 revealed that I may have genetic predisposition to epilepsy among a few psychotic disorders) and would appear to be at its onset since the 2018-2019 period and worsened by their near-daily tantrums. Whereas in the past (as far back as my middle and high school years) might occasionally experience random, painful muscle spasms which I eventually learned to "walk off" (as my father would suggest); I now feel a tremendous amount of pain almost 24/7 for which the thought-forms attribute to stimulant use (both legally-prescribed and over-the-counter which includes caffeinated beverages and tablets--tablets I'd been taking on and off from 2013 up until 2020/2021 or so). Whereas in 2013; the more unpleasant, physical sensations included lightheadedness and tactile hallucinations around my legs as if I was being skinned but without any pain only discomfort--I now feel very real, intense pain throughout much of my body almost non-stop. The thought-forms even ridicule me now as I write this using the little boy as they'd been doing nearly this entire morning and much of this year. They now continue to blame me for this--especially when I point out to them that I tell them daily to leave ASAP and never come back.

"You stupid ###$!" one of them yells.

Yep. I figured. But they don't really let me do much else. Even pointing out to them that they would claim to be leaving sometime before the end of 2019 or that I'd be dead by October of 2020 is enough justification at times for them (according to only them) to resume with the little boy.

Thought-forms also continue to disregard that not only have they already had me meditating in the seated position for up to four hours; furthermore, once had me stay in bed for up to seventeen hours only to have the hallucinations intensify even months after they'd claimed they'd be gone--but that they refuse to obey my command that they be gone by the time I wake up in the morning (or even anytime in the night). Several times for over three years have I told them to do this and they remain--completely disregarding that they'd begun in 2019 with an excuse that they represented a woman whom I'd first met in early-2017--now randomly shifting back and forth to incidents from as recent as this year (apparently involving Kiernan Shipka which they simultaneously expect me to take as a joke but serious enough to be punished over using the little boy) to as far back as the 2013 to 2015 period or even the 1993 or 1994 to 1997 or 2002 period. They also insist on attributing various random online anonymous posts to a few family members (some of which actually were written by them especially once I'd confronted them about it, but the thought-forms pretty much never mention those) from as far back as 1999, 2000, 2009, etc. numbering in dozens across multiple communities to as recent as this year when the internet has over 4,000,000,000 users and many of the communities I visit has something like 8,000,000 visitors per year. The thought-forms even once claimed that I somehow "called" them in (by phone) sometime in 1997 (complete with imagery from the inside of an old apartment and myself as a very small child cursing me out) which, in a way, goes against what they'd previously told me about how they'd only been with me since 2016 and that I'd only become aware of them by 2019. They also once mentioned an awkward situation in an entirely different city from early-2015 for which my brother and I only discussed once that day and never again and I only managed to recall that instance because of an attractive woman he and I saw but never once did I speak or write about her beyond that day up until the thought-forms showed me an image of her in late-2019. They'd claimed that she (and others like her) have been secretly involved in my life for whatever reason despite the fact that I'd pretty much never entertained such hypotheses until the thought-forms pointed out connections and patterns that I'd previously not noticed.

Thought-forms resumed using the little boy yet again as I was watching amateur heterosexual pornography on some relatively popular site. They now claim that I have a preference for the boy and blame me for his reapparitions simply because I attempt to play along with their "game" that I treat their "women" (e.g. their "Jan" thought-form) as if they were really people.

Whereas I can recall at least one or two instances in the October or November of 2019 being able to walk outside during the day for several minutes up to an hour or more and have complex, relatively-peaceful, natural-sounding conversations in my head with what appeared to be another person with his own ideas and advice sometimes accompanied by complex visualizations and plotlines (much of which ultimately led me nowhere beyond getting me lost in the cold and dark far away from home for several hours)--nowadays comes down to conversations such as having me reading posts or articles on the internet be interrupted by auditory quips such as "so what?" and "correct" to which I may sometimes ask that the thought-form elaborate after which it is responded with the little boy with something in his mouth accusing me of "shaming" the women. Which he's been doing almost the entire time I've been writing this (mind you; they didn't used to do that three to four years ago--I remember being able to patiently sit in a classroom setting away from home for a few hours watching videos and writing at least once in December of 2019 without pornographic imagery--especially involving the little boy--and with hardly any noticeable painful convulsions).

They now also tell me that they hope I continue "using" the little boy--even while masturbating.

Thought-forms once again continue to resume their tantrums at random points as I try to sleep and wake up several times throughout the afternoon, evening, and early morning only to be rudely "welcomed" primarily by the little boy sometimes accompanied by their "men" (usually the one that took on the form of an old Armenian classmate from nearly two decades ago whom I never had any problems with but the thought-form using his face became so very quickly hostile within the first few days of its creation possibly near the end of December 2019 or beginning of January 2020 that I ended up being afraid by his appearance alone). The Armenian fella now has the tendency to use these unusually aggressive animations at random, but especially when I attempt to urinate in my bathroom. They often tell me to not go to my bathroom and that I should urinate and defecate in bed or even when I'm walking outside. It's gotten to the point that whatever vertigo they were hoping to induce in 2019 is now felt daily due to their combined efforts in depriving me of sleep, nourishment, bowel movements, and exercise. Not entirely sure what their problem with me using my bathroom and/or public restrooms is. They sometimes suggest that they don't like how cautious I am when stepping on my bathroom's potentially slippery floor, but also don't seem to like it when I take my time in large, open, clean, public restrooms where I sometimes like to take my time especially after walking around for over half a day on hot summer days. So it's like they neither want to be cautious when walking on dirty, wet, slippery floors but also don't want me to relax.

They now continue using the little boy doing his usual thing at random throughout this morning (and having me blamed for it--even now--as they smile at me after expecting me to believe that they were being "nice"--which often comes down an incoherent, pornographic mess where the imagery is vague, blurry, and grainy and often accompanied by the voice of a little boy simply because I decided to browse Wikipedia or some forum or whatever). They also continue to confirm that this will inconvenience me.

Thank you.

This is your journal so please feel free not to respond to my questions, but in case you are open to a chat - why did your psych stop prescribing Abilify and, perhaps more importantly, why did they not prescribe it again once your hallucinations started? Did you have concerns with the side effects? Is that why you decided to live with hallucinations rather than block them but also accept other consequences?

Sorry for my many questions. I don’t want to pry but what you describe here is so surreal and I am simply trying to scratch the surface of what you are going through.

Hugs.

santorini wrote:Thank you.

This is your journal so please feel free not to respond to my questions, but in case you are open to a chat - why did your psych stop prescribing Abilify and, perhaps more importantly, why did they not prescribe it again once your hallucinations started? Did you have concerns with the side effects? Is that why you decided to live with hallucinations rather than block them but also accept other consequences?

Sorry for my many questions. I don’t want to pry but what you describe here is so surreal and I am simply trying to scratch the surface of what you are going through.

Hugs.

I'd initially told my psychiatrist about hypnagogic hallucinations probably about a year after I'd first begun to experience hallucinations 24/7. He more than likely knows now that I'm hallucinating 24/7 as I spoke to a therapist in December of 2022 who later spoke to my psychiatrist and told him of my hallucinations. I was then told to head on over to the emergency room but decided to go back home. This was several months after the police arrived to my apartment (August of 2022) and took me to the same medical center I used to see my psychiatrist (who is no longer working with outpatients, apparently) and my (now retired) therapist.

The hallucinations continue to wake me up in the middle of the night and/or early morning using pornographic imagery of children. Most of it this year has been that involving a little boy whom I've never met. They now claim daily that they show me this boy several times daily over something that supposedly happened to the actress Kiernan Shipka. Literally seconds after looking her up on Google News (just today; I've almost made it a habit to look her up daily) and finding nothing in particular about her personal life beyond speculation of her relationships and the thought-forms laughed and told me they will tell me the same thing and continued to accuse me of being responsible over something that happened to her. Over the next few hours; they would go on to add: "so what?" -- "they love it" -- "they just don't give a ###$" as they continued switching back and forth between the little boy performing sex acts and that involving women. They continue literally right now as I write this post and continue to add "well duh" and "thought so" and "that was you" and "that was [my deceased relative's name]" and "I just don't give a ###$".

Thought-forms once again continue using the little boy in an inappropriately sexual way. Their "excuses" this time? They once again confirmed what they'd told me in 2019--that they'd not only "owned" a woman whom I'd neither seen nor spoken with in over a decade ("we owned [insert woman's name here] for you [...] hottest bitch [...] ruined [insert woman's name here] for everyone"), but that a woman who once lived in this apartment (in my bedroom, apparently) had committed suicide and that I'm being driven into committing suicide in very much the same way (I am to die today, apparently)... over something that was decided pretty much as soon as I first moved in, or shortly before. They continue to disregard that the two women were (according to them) the "same bitch". They also continue to accuse me of "blaming" or "shaming" random family members and of having done something to Kiernan Shipka.

I suspect their timing today is intentional.

Despite being in a much better mood by around 4 AM today than most mornings; the thought-forms proceeded to become increasingly more aggressive, hostile, vulgar, profane, and inappropriate over the course of a few minutes on the basis that: one cannot study while multitasking, one cannot study while excited, and one cannot become excited without becoming aroused. They also show a capacity for (and admit to it, too) shutting down my attempts at inducing a certain level of focus while multitasking comparable to that of early- to mid-2015 and a bit in early-2013 (several years before my 24/7 hallucinations of late-2019 and onwards--in a time in which I would only experience overt auditory hallucinations in the middle of the night while falling asleep or waking up perhaps once every few months or once per year). They admit that even when I'm just trying to relax and enjoy television, films, or just random videos on the internet--they want me to focus on it all as of I am expected to treat everything like education as opposed to entertainment. "Of course!" they tell me as if this is something that should be so obvious to me and/or anyone, everyone else--strongly hinting at (if not confirming) at having me inconvenience myself even further by writing this. "Shut the ###$ up already" they tell me despite the fact that I'm not even speaking and I can hear neighbors upstairs making more noise than I am. "So what?" they ask me as they smile.

Their "logic" goes something like this now:

[quote:#######1]You're depressed, so we're gonna' keep on showing you the little boy doing his usual acts.

You're a bit too happy, so we're gonna' keep on showing you the little boy doing his usual acts.[/quote:#######1]

They continue to justify this by claiming to have done this "same thing" to some random therapist I've not spoken with in roughly a decade and is currently too busy with other patients to see me. They also continue to accuse me of having done something to Kiernan Shipka.

"Nobody gives a ###$," they tell me daily as they did just now before accusing a random cousin who's never been in this apartment of saying this to me this morning.

The thought-forms don't seem to like actresses very much. Among the various actresses they've expressed dislike for: Masiela Lusha, Sophia Lillis, Kiernan Shipka (more than three or four times today even after looking her up on Google News twice), and more recently Julia Butters. There doesn't appear to be any real logic behind how they pick which actresses they choose to dislike (e.g. back in late-2019; they had me refocus my attention toward Abigail Breslin time and time again for a few weeks or months after having watched Zombieland 2). Today; they decided to pick on the porn actress Carmen Monet for whatever reason while also hating on Julia Butters. Discussing this with them doesn't change their behaviors; I've been trying for over three years. In 2019; they simply told me to stay away from women and to not breed. They've also expressed dislike in allowing me to: watch TV, edit Wikipedia, and even learning basic algebra and geometry off of some old workbooks I've had for ten to fifteen years or so. They laugh as I write this. And the little boy remains nude.