OhItsThatGuyAgain - Journal (replies welcome)

Thought-forms once again confirm that I was never meant to end up with either woman that they had me pick from back in 2019. They also confirm that neither are attracted to me. Nor have they been in something like six to eight years or so (if ever). They also confirm again that they expect me to become as evil as possible--going so far as to having me commit rape and murder. The *mod edit* little boy reappeared while I was in the bathroom simply because I rejected their "advice" that I rape and murder. "I just don't give a ###$," they've told me at least three times this morning. "We're gonna' ruin it again."

"You dare me to use Jonathan Fuller?" a few seconds after telling me:

"We just don't give a ###$."

"I just don't give a ###$." (at least 4x)

"So what?" (at least 5x)

"We're gonna' ruin it again." (at least 2x)

"Don't ruin the mood."

It doesn't seem that the thought-forms want me watching movies that I've already seen before.

They also don't want me watching movies that keep me at the edge of my seat.

They also disregard that my brother as does just about everyone else in my family has a tendency to multitask while watching movies (whether it be fiddling around in one's cell phone and/or consuming copious amounts of alcohol).

Unfortunately... this, too, is the sort of information that I would have otherwise never felt the need to share with anybody. But it's the sort of thing that the simple act of sharing something seemingly innocuous might actually hurt me than anything else... for a number of reasons that I'd much rather not get into (but I get the feeling the thought-forms will eventually get me to elaborate on and I'm pretty sure that they already heard my reasons inside my head without me actually having to use words just now... based off of their reactions).

Thought-forms continue to disregard my physical pain--the likes of which I'd not experienced before roughly October 5th or 15th of 2018 and up until perhaps May 31st, June 14th, July 1st or 9th of 2019. Much of the pain and discomfort back then could be attributed to me taking dangerously high doses of caffeine in the form of tablets--perhaps anywhere from 1,000 to 2,000 milligrams of caffeine daily. Nowadays? Just coffee. Two cups of coffee today. Each has something like 50 to 150 mg of caffeine. "I'm in pain," I tell them. "So what?" they ask. They laugh.

Thought-forms once again confirm that some sort of municipal, state, and/or federal government department, bureau, and/or agency were already in my head way back in 2012 over something that happened over ten years before that... in 2001. There's no easy way to go about this but this next part involves me namedropping Donnie Brasco which I've done often with these thought-forms in order to show them how ridiculous it is that even after nearly four years since thought-forms first showed up and nearly a decade since law enforcement first began to make their presence in my life increasingly more overt to me that the thought-forms still expect me to believe that they represent, "mostly female law enforcement personnel." Donnie Brasco was undercover for something like four to five years or so.

Thought-forms resumed using the little boy in face, body, name, and/or intermittently before, during, and after me masturbating to an xnxx video of a redheaded amateur porn actress that resembles a redheaded woman whom I knew roughly in between the dates of February 24th, 2005 and February 1st, 2008 who was in her 30s and who is apparently the woman that the brunette "Jan" thought-form is based off of (the one who resembles the actress Rebecca Ferguson as she appeared in the film "Snowman") and who's form was combined with that of the actress Bailee Madison as she appeared in the film "Don't Be Afraid of the Dark" then had her stature halved so that she ended up looking like an infant rather than a dwarf so now in the process of trying to avoid recalling the little boy as he's been appearing to me throughout this day and pretty much this whole year and last I've ended up having to focus on something like three to five to ten different variations of the "Jan" thought-form one of which resembles a toddler for some reason as I attempted to masturbate to a porn video of a redheaded woman who reminded me of a woman who is currently in her 50s and I've not seen in over 10 years.

Monday, May 15th, 2023 3:58 PM (PST)

Thought-forms continue to tell me to go outside almost daily. Their "reasoning" usually involves something to do with women. Unfortunately; I have yet to be approached by any of the women that the thought-forms regularly namedrop. I perhaps spoke with... around... five or six women today? A waitress, a pharmacist, a cashier, an old lady asking for directions, a young woman whom I asked to unlock this little section at a store where they keep chargers, and a Scientologist (I think I've spoken to her once or twice before and it was awkward as hell because she seemed to immediately recognize me as soon as I pointed this out and she pretended that I spoke with someone who looks like her). None of the women looked anything like Jan nor any of other women that the thought-forms mention.

Tuesday, May 16th, 2023 1:44 PM (PST)

Thought-forms have resumed using the little boy intermittently throughout the day and used him inappropriately yesterday afternoon and in the night. The little boy reappeared a few times while I was outside earlier today looking for a new charger, but to a much lesser extent. He reappeared for a short time almost as soon as I got back home. They are now ridiculing me and continue to accuse me of having some sort of "preference" for the little boy simply because I ask them why it is that I'm still hallucinating nearly four years later and roughly a month after I've stopped taking Adderall (as the thought-forms initially suggested I should). Thought-forms also confirm that they will remain even

Thought-forms have resumed using the little boy inappropriately on the basis of...

...me thinking inappropriately sexual thoughts of a female therapist whom I first and last met and spoke with on or around March 17th of 2022 (and whom I find to be very attractive). They continue to disregard that they keep on showing me her face at least once every day and often refer to her by the name of a therapist whom I first and last met and spoke with on or around June 12th, 2014. It is unlikely that I will be able to see either therapist anytime soon, but the thought-forms regularly namedrop such women as if indicating that they expect me to go outside specifically looking for them. They, of course, disregard that I attempted to make an appointment last year to see my 2014 therapist but was told that she was busy with other patients and that my other therapist (a male therapist whom I was seeing from 2019 to 2021) had retired, so I ended up seeing a woman who is licensed to work as a therapist but was only seeing me that day to refer me to another therapist and a new psychiatrist.

So why do the thought-forms insist on showing me this little boy behaving inappropriately in order to get me to do something fruitless (e.g. looking for specific female health care providers that patients aren't normally expected to request) by getting me to go outside (which I already did a few hours ago)? It's almost as if they're baiting me into writing something that they might later claim gave them the "reason" to hurt some random person.

Thought-forms also confirmed yesterday that they will continue using the little boy in this manner even two weeks from now... my brother has offered me a job at one of his offices. How am I expected to work in this condition? The thought-forms now claim that I'm "shaming" my brother by having me point this out to the thought-forms... which, again, they also use as a "justification" to continue using the little boy even further.

Tuesday, May 16th, 2023 5:13 PM (PST)

Thought-forms (once again) resumed using the little boy inappropriately. They rapidly cycled through their usually repetitive "reasons" such as something to do with my 2014 therapist (still not much elaboration as to why they use her name so often--do they expect me to believe that something happened to her because I mentioned her without even referring to her by name? Was I supposed to assume that total strangers could read my e-mails back and forth multiple health care providers over the years? For what purpose has my insurance been pushing for "paperless" for months on end, but have providers warn me about the dangers of non-secure e-mails and other forms of electronic communication? Why do providers even offer "tele-therapy" through Skype or 7cups or whatever? Am I supposed to inappropriately seek such health care providers outside of work? Am I supposed to disregard the restraining order, and, if so, why waste hundreds or even thousands of dollars over it?)

"Well, duh," they respond--suggesting that they don't even want me seeking help through these forums and others like this--or even post in forums about anything else, really.

"We just don't give a ###$."