xXDarkStarXx Journal (replies welcome)

Hey Snaga! Your signature makes me laugh for some reason. "We do not delete posts. Let it go." Hahaha...and your reply to me reminds me of your personality type -- ISFP. You guys lead with a cognitive process called, "Introverted Feeling" and your sympathy tends to be empathy. You can relate so you can offer the proper condolences.

The News Guy thing still isn't completely over but I'm in a better place than I was before... Hopefully it stays this way.. It's been a rollercoaster ride..mostly because of me.. Yesterday he wrote me a few minutes right before he went on air, which is so weird when I think of it. I don't really watch him a lot so the thought is taboo.. When you really come to grips with the reality of it all, it's like WTH? Only I could get myself into such a rut. Seriously, who goes through all of this with their local news anchor person? Then they just climb on TV & put on the anchor personality that all the viewers know and go back to their shenanigans. I've seen and been through so many "behind the scenes" things it's hard to trust anything you see on TV. You think these people are upright folks because you see them on TV acting the part when really they are having affairs and making advances. (And it's not just men, either but I'll leave that alone.)

About trust? - I simply just don't trust men because they seem to be ran by their genitals and have trouble saying no to beautiful women. Plus, my current guy is very good looking, he looks like Christian Bale it's insane. At the same time, I shouldn't be trusted either because there's another fellow with a girlfriend who sends me nudes and gushes over how much he likes me...and I still haven't found a decent way to say no to him either. So I am in a mess like I usual am.. I probably see a reflection of myself in men and hate men for it. I'm not sure. Perhaps I'm jealous of men because they don't get their feelings involved but I do at times..

Haha... 'Let it Go' really wasn't intended to be part of We Don't Delete Posts, but it does apply to that as well. More of general advice for those of us with OCD. Although they do get occasionally paranoid about their posts and want them deleted.

I need to redo- I think the last time I took a test I wasn't quite ISFP, something similar, though.

xXDarkStarXx wrote: I simply just don't trust men because they seem to be ran by their genitals and have trouble saying no to beautiful women

That's not true. You could have stopped at 'no', and been closer to the truth. Or even stopped at the word, 'genitals'. Most guys I know are ruled by their penis, yes. Even me, a little. But not like most other guys I know.

I don't automatically think folks are upright just 'cause they're on the TV news. Although I'll cut local a little more slack/respect than national.

Sounds as if TVG does like the attention from you. Does it seem as if he's stringing it along? Just enough to get response from you?

It's hard to say no, isn't it....? It's a good thing I'm not a girl, much as I'd like to have been- saying 'no' would probably have been a big problem.

In this world, I'm impressed you've held onto your virginity- something to be given up only when you want to, sweetie. Not before.

Snaga wrote:Haha... 'Let it Go' really wasn't intended to be part of We Don't Delete Posts, but it does apply to that as well. More of general advice for those of us with OCD. Although they do get occasionally paranoid about their posts and want them deleted.

I need to redo- I think the last time I took a test I wasn't quite ISFP, something similar, though.

xXDarkStarXx wrote: I simply just don't trust men because they seem to be ran by their genitals and have trouble saying no to beautiful women

That's not true. You could have stopped at 'no', and been closer to the truth. Or even stopped at the word, 'genitals'. Most guys I know are ruled by their penis, yes. Even me, a little. But not like most other guys I know.

I don't automatically think folks are upright just 'cause they're on the TV news. Although I'll cut local a little more slack/respect than national.

Sounds as if TVG does like the attention from you. Does it seem as if he's stringing it along? Just enough to get response from you?

It's hard to say no, isn't it....? It's a good thing I'm not a girl, much as I'd like to have been- saying 'no' would probably have been a big problem.

In this world, I'm impressed you've held onto your virginity- something to be given up only when you want to, sweetie. Not before.

Hey Snaga! I apologize if what I wrote and assume about "All men" was offensive.. and thank you for correcting my ignorance. I probably should not generalize as much.. It is very hard to say no.. especially when I'm idealising the people I get attached to, which has happened here..

A lot has happened since I've updated... Oh boy..I don't think I will remember it all. So first of all, I lost the free health insurance I had because I didn't renew my card in time.. and to top that off, I am apparently sick... something seems to be attacking my Pancreas but the ER folks couldn't say anything about it.. or "find" anything.

I still have not deleted News Guy from my friends list... and things have gotten a bit heated since .. He saw something I put on my profile of myself and went nuts in my private messages.. and ever since, we've been flirting back and forth... he basically was trying to tell me it made him "hot and bothered" to put it in simpler terms.. Then the other night, I tempted him with a small short video of myself and the conversation almost turned into sexting. Luckily, he claimed he needed to head for bed.. although I think he was just trying not to "cross the line" since he was home with his wife..

I have been feeling disgusted about the entire situation since that last conversation and I don't know why. I felt I loved him and that THAT is what I wanted.. a sexual conversation.. to turn him on.. but seeing him in that mode.. is weird for me... I guess it's watching him on the news and equating that to his more "sexual" side... It's a weird combination.. and I feel embarrassed and ashamed of what I did and the conversation. It didn't go into sexting but... I don't know..

What makes matters WORSE is my OCD is acting up over this situation. I keep getting forced thoughts about him in my head.. and stuff... There's a secret I have but I should not say it here.. but it has to do with this situation..

Now, I feel I should distance myself from him even further. I stopped liking his posts.. although that's how he knows me.. from being a viewer/supporter.. but.. I just need to keep a safe distance for awhile.. or something. If he comes into my message, of course I'll respond.. but I feel icky and uncomfortable about the entire thing now. I don't know if it's because of him or how I view him. It's almost like suddenly seeing him as the 55 year old news guy that he is.. and just.. things are registering funny in my head. Somewhere, I am not in touch with reality and I know he is... I don't know what I'm doing anymore.... I'm ashamed of my behavior.. I don't know why.. Maybe he is ashamed and I feel his shame.. but I don't think he would be since this could be the upteenth time he's done something like this... but then again it might not be.. but then again, it might be..

I do wonder where his wife is when he's at home doing this. Is she sleep beside him? He stays on social media all day and night..

A lot has gone on since I last updated but I will not update EVERYTHING now. Here's the gist: Someone went behind my back and told on a guy friend I have that he was flirting with me on social media. They told his fiance and tried to get him in trouble. I never thought it was news guy....but now I'm having 2nd thoughts. I don't know where to turn. I still think it was my cousin...but I never found out. I posted something in social media telling that I had to cut everyone off and now only have 8 friends... Basically, news guy started messaging me a ton more and I finally called him out for being a tease...in April.... However he messaged me a week or so ago asking me if he was still one of the people on my friends list..and I told him of course because I trust him...meaning I trusted that he wasn't the one who went behind my back...Then he said, "Good. As you should. Trust is essential both ways." -- Which I found to be a joke since he is a married man who has been in and out my messages saying things to me in which I KNOW his wife would NOT appreciate.. such as calling me "his gorgeous woman" and saying phrases like "I guess we will see where this takes us." (And after seeing how he operates I don't put an actual affair past him.) He was talking out of his butthole since the 2nd day we were in contact. Silly me.


Now he's talking about trust...and I noticed he hid his friends, too.. If he is sooo trustworthy, why is he soooo sneaky?? He really thinks I'm stupid and a naive child..and I can see why.. I come across that way to him. I practically talk to him like I worship the ground he walks on... So he talks to me like I'm naive and stuff...meanwhile, I'm thinking and noticing all of these things about him.. It sucks.. Before knowing him.. I thought he was a beautiful person as the other viewers... But he's a shallow A-Hole. This guy is crazy about women...and come to find out..he is in his 2nd marriage.

After talking that hollow filth about "trust" .. Now, he is completely ignoring me again... which has pushed me completely over the edge. I allowed this man to play with my emotions and mental state because I was and still am too weak to delete him or tell him how I truly feel. Since I am a quiet borderline, he has NO idea how crazy I am over him or the depth of my feeling. I told him I had the HUGEST crush on him plenty of times. The guy just does not give 2 freaks. He has no clue how bad he has hurt me....and how bad I hurt myself by getting ensnared in such a thing...and I doubt he'd care. I would've done anything for that man to communicate with me. I am pathetic. And truth be told.. He is LUCKY he chose me to screw over and toy with because had it been any other woman I can almost GUARANTEE they would have BLASTED him to the news station and the viewers... But aside from anonymously venting here, I won't do that. I care too much about him and his family. I am too freaking pathetic, man... This man has disregarded my feelings for him plenty of times and here I am still kissing his feet. I would never want to do anything that would ruin his life, career, or family... So I have to keep this all a secret even though it's literally tearing me apart. I would take this to the grave.... That's how much I care. I'll let the viewers have their perfect , sweet , and angelic little -------man... He's won billions of awards and etc..it makes me sick almost....


My parents never loved nor cared about me.. Neither do my "friends." So I understand WHY I'm screwed up but I don't know how to not be screwed up and stop making bad choices. To top it all off, I've been self medicating with diphenhydramine (also known as Benadryl.) ..the drug found in OTC Sleeping pills. It sounds silly but it takes my emotions away.

Anyways, I came here to say that I will be checking myself into a mental institution very soon. Things have gotten that bad for me. News guy's latest "suddenly throw her to the dogs and ignore her again" thing has really broken me. I thought when he asked for my trust he was solidifying the communication. I'm such a silly goose. What kind of man in his 50s acts like this??? I am in my late 20s like one of his son's for Petesake!


And let me get something clear here: I never wanted him to leave his wife and kids. Ever. I was very jealous, yeah.. But I was happy for his texts and stuff. That's all that made me happy. I became addicted to it. He is like the bong Satan hits to get high. I've been trying to cope, writing songs about him but nothing is helping it anymore. I know it is all my fault but I think most of my problem is that I have been holding so much in about this situation that now I am having emotional breakdowns for 3 days straight. I can't tell him or anyone or things will be much worse.

And it is not only him. My friends and others say and do little things to let me know they don't care about me at all... And that has been hurting me So much.

So please pray for me or send me positive vibes. I hate psychwards but I have to help myself. I HAVE TO.

I haven't gone to the hospital yet.. but it's coming in a few days or a week. So for awhile I had gotten back down to a level of a "crush" with my favorite person aka News Guy.. and I wasn't feeling as intense. During this time, I was planning to play a prank on him. The prank was I was gonna act funny and make him panic by leaving his messages on "read" and waiting days to reply to him. Then I was gonna tell him that there's something really important I had to tell him.. and I know he'd be threatened by that on the other end.

But then, I noticed that he put me on ignored on messenger. How do I know? Because when I sent him a message back, it as left on sent but not delivered and he had been on plenty of times. This got me so angry but I'm still currently going through with the prank. The prank is that, I'm gonna say something entirely stupid to relieve him from panicking that he is about to get "outed".. LOL..

However, after I'm done executing my prank I'm gonna finally DELETE him from my social media and try to move on with strength. This is the time I will be checking into a hospital because I feel it is best that I do that. I know I will be feeling very down, lonely, sad, depressed, and in intense agony after I let him go once and for all.

Because he had put me on ignore, (I'm not sure WHEN he did this but I know that he did).. I got really hurt. I know I left him on read a few times but that's because I called myself trying to be strong enough to take back control of the situation. He doesn't know I have BPD/EUPD but maybe I will reveal that to him after I delete him. Maybe I will come clean about the truth of how I feel about him and I will tell them that it's best if I just go my own way.

My issue is that I'm so angry with him right now for putting me on ignore, I placed him on ignore BACK. I know I left him on read for almost a week and that I've been acting funny but I know my reasons and they're endearing. He left me on read the first week we met and didn't even think to say a WORD to me. Now, because I do it, he wants to get an attitude. Either way it goes, this is over. I think I've been trying to sabotage this entire thing for awhile now. Now, I'm just gonna flat out remove the guy.

If he asks me why I deleted him then I will just tell him the truth. I'll tell him " John Doe, I have Borderline Personality Disorder and my feelings for you were beginning to get unhealthy. So I think it's just best that we have no kind of contact. You're a great guy and great at what you do. Take care. " -- That way he will realize that I won't rat him out and he can be comfortable without me on his list.

It doesn't matter anyways. I wasn't special to him. He has all of these much hotter girls on his page anyways which deeply hurt me. If I want to help myself, which is what I've been trying to do, I've gotta delete this guy from my life. It's very toxic, this is for me.

Today is the last straw. I played my prank on him but I feel like something's not right. Not only does he put me on ignore but I'm just over the situation. I had him on ignore back but I'm not playing these stupid little games anymore. I'm deleting him and to top that off, I might SNAP on him and I'm REALLY hoping and trying not to go there because if I do, it will be REALLY REALLY bad.

He truly does NOT want to go THERE with me. I would NEVER want to do anything that would ruin anyone's family but right now, I'm so ANGRY that I almost don't care because I HATE him. All of this time, I've been keeping all of these things to myself and now that we are finally having tension and I finally got the strength enough to delete him, I'm ready to cuss him out and tell him exactly how I've been feeling. I don't want to go there though but I have a feeling we're gonna get into it.. and it's gonna be NASTY because he has no clue what my temper looks like. I HATE this man SO MUCH. I HATE him.

I think he's a Narcissist, too...a covert one.

I finally delete him from my friends list and now I'm having a mental breakdown. I don't know what to do. I feel so lost without him, he was my favorite person rather he was a Narcissist or not. This sucks.

I know I'm going to end up in the hospital soon. I cannot handle this. I don't know what went wrong. Maybe he noticed I was acting out and seeking attention but I was seeking HIS validation and attention because I felt I loved him.

God, I am SO crushed.

I believe I am raging this morning so I need to express myself.

Once upon a time, I was jealous of his wife. Then I started thinking about it.

Her husband was married to another woman YEARS ago as well. He got her pregnant and had 3 kids with her. He went to jail and he got divorced. Now, he is married to the second wife and married her years ago, got her pregnant, had 3 kids with her, too... just so he could sit online and go to work to flirt with billions of other women and outwardly praise "beautiful" female co-workers while hiding her from the public.

Her husband is online encouraging girls 30 years younger than him, (Me), who have a crush on him to continue flirting with him, even when they are in pain and wanting to back off. I told him I would back off and stop flirting with him because I didn't want to cross any lines and he said, "Did I ask you to back off. This is fun! Don't you think so?"

He adds beautiful women on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and likes all of their naughty pics. He's even following this old, washed up pornstar, who flirts with him on Twitter and Instagram and likes naughty pages on Facebook. (Oh, even the county police engage in this type of behavior on Twitter and they ALL follow each other too It's disgusting. Whatever happened to professionalism? Social Media has ruined us all!.)

He only recently started hiding his likes and pages he is following and friends on Facebook after me and him started chatting because someone started snooping through my friendslist and writing people's partners that they are cheating on them with me. He is slow when it comes to social media and he flat out follows sex pages.


I don't know if his wife is withholding sex from him or what is going on and that is of course none of my business...but either way, the more I reflected the more I was/am glad I was never his wife. It seems like he wants a lapdog for a wife while he goes out and flirts with women much better looking than his wife. His wife is not the prettiest and she is a tad bit overweight due to having kids.
Looks are not everything either because News Guy is in his late 50s and was overweight when I started liking him. He's not that cute but he is decent. I have been involved with guys who look much better than him.But if I were his wife, I would have probably been admitted to a psychward and filed for a divorce awhile ago. She married a monster and she probably has no idea about the reality of just what her husband is up to.


So although I have a huge crush on this man, am obsessed with him or whatever the case may be, I am glad this only happened online and that we never met like he wanted. I feel like I would have slipped and tried to have sex with him or something. I am a virgin girl, (he doesn't know this) but I am so glad I never gave him that luxury of taking my virginity. Considering how wild I am about him, you would think he did. (But thats how BPD works.)

I would never be foolish enough to marry him or make him my boyfriend. (No offense to the wife.) I don't have anything against her. She's not someone I would have ever been jealous of if it weren't for him. I just don't understand how someone doesn't see through their manipulative husband. He's tried to gaslight me a few times.

I saw her write a while ago that she is proud of him and I had to smirk to myself and think "Oh wow! Really though? If I was his wife, I'd be going through his messages..especially after seeing how he follows all of these pornstars and how he added me and started charming me up and etc. I do't get how she does not know. I seriously don't. But again, that is none of my business. He is all her problem. I would only be jealous at this point if he actually got his act together and started cherishing her and actually making an effort to be a good husband instead of a big fat selfish bastard.

I highly doubt that though. He is the most selfish man I have ever dealt with. Certaintly, someone would call me selfish for no considering his wife and in this situation, I have been selfish but that is because I like the same man as her. It's sort of hard to be empathetic to a woman who is married to a man you are feel you are in love with. I can be objectively empathetic though through my mindset.

Outside of this though, I am not selfish. He is a rude, selfish bastard and I can't understand for the ife of me why my emotions can't move on from him. He's a monster.

Oh and if that's not bad enough, he thinks he's the best weatherman in town. I even boosted his ego and told him he was one of my favorite weatherman but the truth is that he is my favorite because I have a huge crush on him and that's it. After removing him from my friendslist, I started focusing a little harder on his weather reports and he claims his "gut feeling" is one way but then later, it would come out that it was wrong.

He relies on the computer models for the most part. When we met and I told him I was a huge weather fanatic, he claimed the same. Now, of course being a meteorologist he would know a thing or two about the weather but I thought he was an organic weather lover. You know, someone who could look outside and tell when there's a severe thunderstorm and etc. Someone who likes to sit around listening to oldschool weatherchannel music and etc. But he seems like he just leans on the computer and reports what the computers say.

There's nothing special about that yet when someone criticizes his covert narcissistic ass weather reports and calls him out, he gets angry and flags the comment. Then he tries to insult them based on their information on Facebook. This man is extremely childish to be in his 50s and I hope I am not like that at his age.

I even hope I am not like THIS at my age now, meaning, I hope I end up learning from this situation. I hope he gets caught or that he gets fired or that someone exposes him because what he does to young women is not okay. that's mean. I also allowed it to happen. I even told him I had a disorder and he just ignored that message. He's a narcissistic piece of $#%^.

But because I have a freaking personality disorder, I am still "in love" wth this asshole.
I wont be the one to expose him because I have to protect my family and myself. The media would rag on me for being mentally ill. Luckily if that were to ever happen, (and I don't know how it would), I have screenshots of most of our messages so try me.

I don't want that happening though. I don't want his kids to be affected by his bullcrap. So, that's why I have not gone to extremes when I was angry with him though it did cross my mind a few times. People don't believe those of us with BPD have empathy but believe it or not, I believe I have way too much.

Whatever. I'm done. I just want my emotions to already move on from this ex-fatty prick. Someone needs to tell him about himself. Stupid bitch

I regret ranting and raving about him because the bottom line is my Borderline Personality Disorder is madly in love with him and I don't know how to get it to stop. I have not been to his page in almost 2 months and I am still having nervous breakdowns over him.

In my mind, I know I dont love him because I've never hung out with him or anything. But knowing doesn't make a devil of a difference because my emotions are so intense that they drown out every ounce of logic that could have had some influence if I was "normal".

I apologize to anyone who has been reading my story because what I said about this man was mean, nasty and rude. .and I feel horrible for saying it. No matter what the truth is, I had no legit reason to go off on him like that simply because he does not care about me. He cannot help that. Gosh, I feel so terrible about my last post. I am so impulsive and stupid.

I am starting to lose hope. There is absolutely nothing I can do about my feelings for this man. I have tried everything I can afford to try. I am so sick of being scared of certain days like Valentines Day or other days that make me consider him being interested in other women.

It tears my world to pieces when I even think of him flirting with another woman. The REAL reason I muted his page so it would not show up on my feed was because I was scared I would see him in pictures with other beautiful women.

I don't want to look at that. I don't. So I have been avoiding his page so long out of fear but it's probably good that I do for two reasons: my jealousy and trying to help myself get over these feelings but I cannot. I can't stop crying and I am sick of it.


If I could write him a letter, I would say..

Dear (His Name),

I am sorry for having such strong feelings for you. As I have told you before, I have Borderline Personality Disorder and it makes my emotions feel 10x more intense than normal. It is not my fault I have BPD. I try to help myself in any way that I can. Although I removed you from my friendliest, I have had these feelings for you this entire time. Even though it may not make sense to you, you are still the one my heart and soul desires.

Everything I told you in our messages, I meant. They were not just Facebook messages but to me, they were communicating my very real feelings for you. You had me on Cloud 9 and I will always cherish that night.

The feelings I have for you deep inside are almost too strong and overbearing.


I have not written you nor have I been on your page because I wanted to make sure I did not cross anymore lines or reach out and make you uncomfortable. I would never add you back as a friend because the truth is, I couldn't stand all of those beautiful women you added to your page. I got too jealous and sometimes the mutual friends would show up and it would be those super pretty women who weren't me. My blood started boiling in June and by July, I just knew I had to delete you.

Although no longer being friends hurt me much more than it hurt you, (I doubt it did. I'm a nobody.), I believe I did us both a favor.

Maybe this is the "Borderline" speaking but then again, who knows. But I just want to say, I truly believe nobody on this planet has stronger feelings for you than I do. I love you so very much..and I am sorry for that. I am not supposed to feel this way. Unfortunately, I do.

I know you will continue to be happy and live your life carefree as you always have. You will always have your family. I would never do anything to take that away from you. I love you so much, whether or not I believe you are a selfish monster.

At the end of the day, the way i judge you does not matter because my feelings are strong for you. They take over my entire heart and soul. My emotions take over my mind.

Anyways, I just wanted you to know that, beautiful. I love you so much ..and I can't apologize enough. Be well.

I love you so so so much. I really do. </3

Update: I exposed him all over social media and I am going to also check into a hospital soon and talk to an authority about this situation because I'm sure I will be distraught after the public humiliation.

Someone signed up to Facebook under a fake profile, sent me a message telling me to stop posting on his page and then the person proceeded to copy my graphics that I made for him. So, I tried warning him about the page and instead of him taking heed, he started posting passive-aggressive things onto his public profile and ignored my message.

So after that, the account, (which is a catfish profile of a very beautiful young lady) wrote a cryptic message and I lost it and me and my sister exposed him all over social media. He blocked me too, so I wrote his wife and told her what has been going on. I really tried hard not to go this route but after staying silent for awhile and him not replying to my warning, I lost it.