Blank's Journal (No replies)

I would describe how I feel as having too much energy and feeling unsettled.

Sitting here at therapy and waiting, and someone else is sitting here in the waiting room.

They're just minding their own business, but it makes me EXTREMELY uncomfortable.

I don't know that I want to be here anyway.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oSKJfu_6zV4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kv4DDXJTga8

I feel a little more sensitive today. I'm not sure that I want to go to church today. I just feel like I'd rather be alone.

I have such a hard time relating to people. I guess because it feels safer, I just feel like I can relate better on an intellectual level than an emotional one.

And this is one of the things my therapist was trying to bring to the forefront in therapy about my tendency toward isolation. Is it really just to protect myself or because I don't want relationships?

Most of the time it's the former I admit.

I still feel sensitive some times, like when I'm at work and I hear people laughing behind me, and my first thought is that they're laughing at me. (which I quickly put those thoughts in their place).

When I was in middle school I was teased and bullied and mocked incessently, and I know those thoughts are because of that.

But there are times when I feel like dealing with people is just too much and I need to pull away. And there are times when I simply don't want to be around anyone at all (not to self-protect, just want to be alone).

What I find frustrating more than anything else right now is not having a real safe haven that I can just retreat to and be ALONE. Not consistently anyway. And I've really been needing that lately.

*Shock* I'm in like with someone, though I know it'll never happen.

Why do I always pick the ones with impossible odds to idealize?

*Le sigh.*

I'm kind of sad, I guess. I don't know how I really feel.

Being a literal thinker, I not only often misunderstand what people are saying, but often I focus on just part of what someone says and I end up missing the big picture.

I've always had that problem, but over the years it has improved through practice, and learning to just listen.

But I see I still have that problem fairly regularly. It doesn't bother me really, it's just an observation.

I'm at therapy and I feel more open to talking today. (and of course I have a list of things I want to talk about).

I feel mostly ok today. Just humdrum is all.

I'm not sure what I really want out of therapy, though, or why I'm really here.

I know that it's the job of a therapist to help their patients and grow out of their comfort zones. But I kind of feel like what someone else said about their lack of sociability and others trying to fix them. I feel exactly the same way.

And often I come to therapy and my walls are up cause of it.

I've been seeing this therapist for almost 2 years now, and I don't really see the point in being there anymore.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_RqMSEJw-E

I'm stressed today. They drastically cut my hours at work with no explanation. I'm going to try and talk to the powers that be and see if I can get them back.

I think I'm going to eat some humble pie and try to get my old job back.

I didn't sleep well last night, I'm tired, and I feel more depressed today.

*shrug*