Rick's Journal (Replies Welcome)

Replies Welcome.

Hi everyone! This is Rick and I'll be starting my, hopefully, daily journal. Here, I'll be talking about how my day went, experiences or thoughts about certain topics related to my issues. I will be starting off talking about my past since you can learn more about me and I can dig deeper to learn more about myself. Note that I'm not dwelling on my past. It's more like I'm trying to learn from mistakes and failures of my past.

I'm currently living in Canada but was born in China. My parents brought me to Canada when I was at a very young age so I basically grew up here. There's very little I could remember when I first arrived in Canada. Later parts of elementary school is what I remember more clearly and my life was steadily changing at this point.

I went to a few different elementary schools and the last one before high school was a rough transition. I had no friends and was very shy. I had low self-esteem and little confidence at that school. Oddly enough, I also got into fights in that school, probably my only method of coping with the problems at that age. The irony was that, prior to moving to this new school, I was very much a cry baby and my feelings can be hurt very easily. Looking back, I can see that I was already struggling with my identity back then but I was only just learning about life.

Well, that's it for this first entry. We'll continue the story tomorrow.

Now for the second entry for my journal. This will be a pretty depressing episode so, if you don't want to read about more negativity, I recommend you skip this entry. This entry is arguably the lowest part of my life when I was attending high school. It's hard to think about anxiety without recalling this part of my life.

At high school, I was mostly a loner. I had a few friends I sometimes hang out during lunch but, mostly, I stuck on my own. After school, I head straight home since I had an hour commute one way. I wasn't sure if it was part of my puberty or just emotions building up but there was a night where it was so bad I attempted to take my own life. As you can see from this journal, I had indeed failed. Since then, I never wanted to go back to those dark days.

Now, I wouldn't, using my current self, judge my old self for attempting suicide. I didn't think I was a coward. I was lonely and had nowhere to turn to. I'm sure everyone had experiences where communicating with parents had been rather difficult. It's as if they refuse to look at things from your perspective. I feel I now have the tools and experience to better deal with anxiety and depression. My situation hasn't improved much since those darker days but I am slowly getting my life back.

Oddly enough, I just recovered after the episode in my life. Somehow the attempt was all I needed to vent out my frustrations. It wasn't until I began university that anxiety decided to pay me another visit. However, I'll be leaving that part of my life to later entries.

That's it for the second entry. We'll continue tomorrow.

Entry #3

Now, we begin talking about my start of university and the early stages. I felt this was when I started learning about life. High school was too easy and didn't prepare me for real life. Little did I know that reality is much harsher and I wasn't quite equipped for it. Still, what came after high school was a learning process.

Entering university, I was optimistic where I expected to finish in four years, get a nice job and life is wonderful. Of course, these things rarely go smoothly as I soon learned but I'm grateful for this. If things did go according to plan during this part of my life, I would've faced challenges later in life. Being young, I feel I could better recover from these issues than later.

During second year, we have these programs for internship to gain experience for work but my grades were inadequate so I was unable to find any internshps. I thought I could get one in third year but it was still the same story. My grades had been steadily falling at this point and I was doubting myself. I question why life was treating me so unfairly and anxiety was quickly settling in.

I tried to communicate with parents but they were using their background and experiences to view this so their approach didn't help me. At the time, I wanted to make them happy and listened to their suggestion where I took a break from university and go to college as a way to turn my life around.

That's it for the third entry. We'll continue tomorrow.

Entry #4

I went to college for two years taking subjects that are somewhat different from what I took in university. The break was much needed and there were a few different options once I graduated from college. I could go back to university if I wanted to or use the diploma to work for a few years before going back.

I definitely liked the environment of the college better. College had smaller classes and making friends was easier. My grades were decent despite me sleeping in some of the lectures that were too boring. I thought life would work out once I finished college. However, I did say things were going downhill and they continued to do so.

Due to the drop in oil prices, the job market that was suited for my diploma tanked and those companies were too busy cutting jobs to hire. No one in my class managed to find a job and we had to return to minimum wage jobs as a result. Anxiety returned and I was once again dwelling on the past. Of course, life continued to make me miserable when I, given I couldn't find a job related to the diploma, decided to go back to university. The second term saw me failing two courses and I was devastated.

That's it for the fourth entry. We'll continue tomorrow.

Entry #5

As someone who never really failed in life, university going poorly, unable to get internship and college diploma not giving me a job were devastating for me. I was overwhelmed and started dwelling about the past. I also blamed those around me and society as the reason why my life was so miserable.

Then, one simple event changed my life. I was an introvert for much of my life. Yet, I somehow did a month of door to door sales. I was knocking on doors of complete strangers and talking to them. This was something I thought was impossible for me. This proved to me that I can achieve more things than I first believed. At this time, I also began searching for my dream. A dream I wish to pursue that could bring me happiness and I can make a living of.

I expected a lot of people opposing this like my parents but I'm used to rejections from the people when I did the door to door sales. I just need to overcome this and, meanwhile, weather the storm my parents are brewing up inside of me. They constantly remind me of my failures and compare me to other people. During the fight with these emotions, I will need to make sure I stay on course with my dream. I don't want so many regrets in my life.

My parents don't have bad intentions and wish for the best for me. They are frustrated like me but their approach isn't what I need during my lowest points in life. I have given up discussing these issues with them since the discussions get nowhere. I find it better to make videos about my problems. I know there will be people out there calling me attention seeker and tell me to die but there are also people out there who have been there and their words can very supportive.

Therefore, this is where I'm at. I have suffered numerous failures in quick succession in life. I have been overwhelmed and life had been teaching me lessons that I must learn. My problems might seem minor compared to other people but these are my problems and they seem very tough for me at the moment. I need to stay focused and make sure I remain true to myself and follow my dreams. I know the future is bright and that's why I want to help other people in the process.

I guess I have been vague about my dream so far. I want to find answers to my problems while helping those in similar situations. I have made a YouTube channel and a website where I have videos on these topics. These are opinions and experiences that I wish to share with other people. I also hope to give people the courage to share their own but that's something of the future.

That's it for the fifth entry. We'll continue tomorrow with something a little different.

Entry #6 (Expectations)

Hi everyone! The last 5 entries should give you a better idea of who I am and what life has thrown my direction so far. Starting this entry, I'll be doing something different. I'll be discussing topics related to anxiety. I basically made a list of topics I see as related and went with the order I wrote the topics down in so there's really no specific order. The topic will be in brackets beside the entry number. Note that these are very subjective and, if you want to discuss your views on the topic, feel free to do so. I don't mind getting different perspectives.

We have expectations for ourselves and so does our loved ones. One classic example is our parents having expectations of us going the "safe" route where kids go to school, get a degree and then get the job in that field. I'm sure everyone have heard of the life advice from their relatives and friends regarding their future.

One problem is, by trying to meet the expectation of your parents or other people, you are trying to become the person they want to see in you. You aren't being yourself and, as a result, you sacrificed your own happiness and future. We all had big dreams when we were young. Some of us want to be singers, writers and other profession. Then, our parents tell us that we cannot make a living out of those and be more realistic.

Take me for example. I went to university because I listened to my parents. I believed in their advice about going to school. Now that life is a mess for me, I'm starting to question if I made the right decision. Lots of people probably listened to parents and, when it doesn't work out, they question whether they made a mistake to listen to others. In addition, we also get into a situation where, since this wasn't our passion to start with, we lack the motivation and drive to overcome difficulties.

Life will have ups and downs regardless of what we do. What makes us keep moving forward is a drive or passion that we really want to succeed in a certain thing. When we do things that make other people happy but make ourselves miserable, we basically give up and don't want to do it anymore once failure and tough challenges come around. I've decided that, regardless of what my parents say, I need to pursue a dream I'm passionate about. I will encounter obstacles for sure but, at the very least, I will welcome the challenges as each one gets me closer to my dream.

That's it for the sixth entry.

Entry #7 (Expectations)

For most of our lives, we're trying to meet the expectations of other people like parents, teachers and employers. I personally felt the need to change my mindset and have my own expectations of myself. Have goals and dreams that I wish to pursue.

If you told me five years ago I should try door to door sales where I knock on doors of complete strangers and talk to them, I'd tell you that you're crazy as I was an introvert. I see this as something impossible and, yet, I managed to do a month of it. I couldn't make a living off of it but I managed to do it consistently for a month and learn a lot from it. If I could do this, what else could I accomplish that was supposedly impossible?

When people say something is impossible, I'm starting to see it as they themselves think it's impossible. As someone with different experiences and skills, you could do what they think is impossible. Before people were sent into space, there are so many people who think such a task is impossible. We have achieved that so the impossible suddenly became possible. In other words, other people's expectations are similar to the expectations they put on you. What they think is impossible is believed to be impossible for you as well.

When you start making your own expectations and make them higher than what other people put theirs at, you will push harder to reach bigger goals. You have belief that you can accomplish what others see as impossible. Sure, it won't be easy as you must work hard and persevere. Look at the athletes who compete in the Olympics. They had untold challenges and difficulties to get to where they are at. What we see is just the result of their hard work and many athletes will likely tell you that competing is the easy part.

You are also the only one who can make expectations for yourself since only you know yourself well. Your own expectations reflect what you're capable of. Other people's expectations are lower and, while you will reach it, you won't ever unlock your full potential. So what if you dream big for something that seems impossible. Sure, no one else had done it. What better accomplishment than being one of the few or the first person to achieve something great. Other people's expectations will make you mediocre. You own expectations will push you higher than what other people can only imagine. Live your own life and stop living what other people want to see in you.

That's it for the seventh entry.

Entry #8 (Success)

We must first know how we define success. There's this common image of success related to being in the top 1% bracket. To have financial freedom and basically have more money than you need. This is, however, an image portrayed in our society.

From a young age, we've been told that we want to be successful and not failures. In doing so, we were told that we mustn't make mistakes while we must aim for high but realistic goals. That's why we're told to go to school, get a degree, get a job and then work our way up. Naturally, a lot of people will want to be CEO of a company. Yet, there are only so many CEO position available while there are so many people working below them. In other words, the odds are still against you in these advice given to you by your parents and teachers.

Let's not forget that our own definition of success is different. This is the same with expectations where we must chart our own path instead of trying to follow a norm of our society. I'm not saying you cannot be CEO but it's certainly possible that this isn't the future you see yourself in. Sure, your odds in succeeding anything else is equally low but your passion and drive will get you further than doing something you hate. I cannot emphasize how many people I know who hate their 9-5 job and wished they did something differently.

I believe the saying that money cannot buy you happiness. If getting all that money forces you to do a job you hate or do something you never feel proud of, then would you define it as success? If making money is your only goal, that can be defined as success. Yet, I'm sure a lot of people want more than what money could offer them in life. They want a purpose in life.

Now, what is my definition of success? I just want to make a comfortable living doing what I love and help people at the same time. I don't need to be a millionaire or billionaire, though I do believe that, when success comes my way, those are achievable if I wish for them. Some people might say my standards are too low and I should aim higher. My response is my dream job is different from other people. I don't want a 9-5 job. There are challenges I face along the way and I intend on overcoming them. I feel that, if I achieve my dream, I'd accomplish more than a lot of people could ever hope to accomplish. After all, I decided to listen to myself rather than those around me.

That's it for the eighth entry.

Entry #9 (Success)

We cannot talk about success without talking about failure. I'm sure many people, like me, don't want to fail in life. Even at school, we were told to not make mistakes and fail. For instance, we have tests where, for each mistake we make, we lost marks. Essentially, we will fail if we make enough mistakes. I feel this isn't a healthy mentality since mistakes and failures are part of life.

We all know that experience is the best teacher. We could read all the books and listen to the wisdom of all the people but these cannot compare to the things we personally experience. When you're afraid to make mistakes as you fear failure, you start going the "safe" route that is often going to school, get a degree and get a job afterward. However, there are no "safe" path since life is filled with ups and downs. Lots of people have been unjustly fired from work and suddenly they're unemployed. This is just an example of what we face in life.

Using me as an example, I'm relieved I experienced failure when I did. I'm still young, single and have more options in life without my options being limited and hands being tied. Imagine if I was married and had children when I lost my job. In this scenario, I have other people relying on me and risks are worse since more people are affected. Likely, I have to find another job I hate to support the family and it simply gets worse. At the moment, I can pursue my dreams and, if things don't work out, I'm the only one affected. I don't even need to worry and have the guilt about harming my loved ones.

Don't be afraid to make mistakes. By learning from these mistakes, you'll reach better goals and go further in life. If you are too afraid and try to go "safe" paths, you will learn that you eventually have to pay the price. It might not be too late for regret and change then but you will have a much steeper path ahead of you. You cannot eliminate mistakes and failures in life so accept and embrace them. Use them to get further ahead as opposed to seeing them as the demons that stop you from moving forward. When you can accept mistakes and failures in life, you'll find that life becomes a little easier since you aren't fighting a natural part of life.

That's it for the ninth entry.