Parasite Passenger (replies welcome) *TW*

Replies welcome

I used to like journaling, and I need a place to freely vent. However, every time I get ready to do something like this, my mind freezes itself up to cause trouble for me. My mind always works against me. It's freaky. Anyway, I didn't know what to write, so I looked up some prompt questions online.

1. How do you feel?

What a stupid question. I don't really know? I know I feel bad. But there are so many things I'm feeling for so many different reasons, and racing thoughts, and emotion switches, I don't know what to say. Part of me is delusional lately. Other parts of me know the delusions aren't real. But they are still very scary. As usual, I feel hatred and disgust with myself, and I believe the world would be a better place with me dead.

There were other questions, but I don't feel like answering them. I'm sure I will add multiple more entries about strange or frustrating things that happen today. But right now I don't care enough. I can't think of anything I care enough about to right. I really wish I could just die.

Nothing to do all day but watch TV and try not to eat. I'm very fat so I'm cutting back to 1200 calories or less. That's the main reasons I'm delusional. Ok bye.

4/16/17 Part 1

It's a #######5 day like always. I am continually puzzled by the phrase "good morning" and how it came to be. I don't know if there is such a thing as a good morning for me at any time in my life.

Anxiety, chronic fatigue, anhedonia, and lack of motivation/caring make me unable to hold down a real job so far. I'm on some disability, though only the minimum with is like $380. I live with my dad who pays for my miserable existence for reasons I can't begin to wrap my mind around. Maybe he thinks I'll become religious like him, lol. Anyway, I also have this work-from-home sort of "job" that I can do when I feel like it. It's writing articles for a website. You have to get up very early and catch an article when they are posted at 5 or 6 in the morning.

Yesterday I did remarkably well and completed TWO articles. But today is a more "normal" day. That is to say, I can't focus on the article or bring myself to care a rat's ass about it. Not even getting paid per article is enough to motivate me. I ######6 give up. I don't understand how normal people work at jobs at all, but I guess their neurochemistry is just very different from mine. No mater how hard I try, I just can't care or focus.

As usual, I hate my life and want to die.

4/18/17

Hello. I'm writing because I can't think of anything to do. Sometimes this happens. I go brain dead and can't think of a single thing to do. I just stare at the ceiling. My thoughts start to swirl and race and my mind keeps trying to think desperately of something to do, but nothing comes. It's because I have no emotional investment in anything. They say that if people had absolutely no emotion, they wouldn't be able to make a decision, bu would just sit there, unable to decide what to do. I guess that's what happening. It's not that I don't have emotions, though. It's just that I have no desire to engage in any activity I can think of.

Usually, I am able to break the stuck-ness of staring at the wall by turning on anime or netflix, and it gives me something to "do". However, I've run out of interesting anime, since I've seen like 230 series. I also can't find anything on netflix that has a concept or characters I like. So there is nothing to do but write about the fact that there is nothing to do.

I really want to cut myself. That would be something I do have emotional investment in. I like cutting myself. But I'm not supposed to and all the good [mode edit] have been taken away from me by my dad. My dad and/or my therapist will definitely notice if I try to cut myself because even if I cut somewhere they can't see, I'll have to dig around for antibacterial cream and band-aids when I'm done. Dad will notice. And I won't be able to properly lie to my therapist if she asks me if I cut this week. I'm no good at lying unless I can first make myself believe the lie on some level. Anyway, I don't want to worry or disappoint my therapist or my dad, so I guess I can't cut myself.

If only I could think of something good to watch... if only I had weed to calm down my racing thoughts... if only I could find the motivation to read a book or work on one of my stories. I write stories. It's something I've been doing since I learned to write; and before that, I drew out storylines with pictures. Unfortunately, I get sick of any one story after a 5-12 months of working on it, so they are never finished. I just can't care enough to write the last few chapters. I've lost interest. Plus, I used to be such a good writer-- everything came naturally to me-- but now my writing sucks. I know why. It's because I'm not reading books for inspiration. But I can't find a single spark of interest in any book. There is nothing I want to do because nothing gives me any sense of pleasure, reward, or accomplishment. I have anhedonia.

I think I might have thought of a show I can tolerate on netflix. It looks like writing out how I feel helps my mind relax just enough to think of the next distraction (aka tv). I'm glad I decided to post here today. I might be back again later.

Once again, the problem is that I don't care. I can't care. I have no will or desire on my own. The only way to make me live a normal life is to be forced and supervised by an authority figure. That's all that's ever really motivated me to do anything. I'm not talking about a spiritual thing either. I mean a person in flesh who makes me do $#%^. If no one forces me to do $#%^, then I ain't doing $#%^. That's how I work. That's who I am: someone who doesn't care.

I wrote a article this morning! It's the first time in 6 days I've been able to come up with something. I want to get to the point where I can do one each day. I want to be able to develop the ability to do a boring and stupid task every day. I have to learn how to stick to it or I will never be able to hold down a real job. I honestly don't understand how normal people do it. No matter if it's something that is interesting to me or not, the novelty wears off after 2-4 months and I can no longer meet my obligations. I just can't care. Seriously, how can you normal people stay at any given job for longer than 6 months? Shudders.