Reinvent's Journal (replies welcome)

Replies Welcomed.

Righto ... a special thanks to Ricoola for setting this space up for me. Much appreciated.
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WHY JOURNAL?
Self Talk / Inner Dialogue & Journalling:

".......because mindfulness is looking for space in a world that's shrinking." ... an old thought that often comes to mind when I am battling with racing thoughts. I've been online journalling over the years at various mental health forums and have found it quite therapeutic. Whilst challenging I have found it a positive experience for the most part. I'm also coming to see this form of self expression as much an art as any pursuit the seeks to find peace.

The intention I set for the course of this journal is to be mindful of negative talk and self doubt. It can be so easy to focus on such things. I don't mind talking about obstacles to my well being, but I am growing tired of entertaining such thoughts that only serve to drag me down. I still have a lot of resistance in me over those things I feel I must understand, yet I know that there is much to gain by letting go and return to the land of tangibility where I am better able to grasp and experience the world in it's most basic form. This is what my journalling often allows when I'm not spirally in negativity.

It's all in the tone. Now whilst I seek to find space and accept what I do not know, I have come to see that what I was originally taught, is nothing more than shadows on a wall. So it is that I now take my first steps out of the cave and reconnect with positive experiences and see the world as I once did; when I was a child.

Life is to short to be making claims - and living is much more than the identification with things and or self. Easy Come - Easy Go ... Life experience can not be measured, but only lived. You can give a number from one to ten, but I much prefer to avoid the need for bandaids, by avoiding the unnecessary suffering instead.
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"I am sore, but growing stronger and supple with each passing day as I set an intention for all the good that I know is coming my way."

This concludes today's inner dialogue.

Australia Day / Brainwashing Day - ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Thankfully the Gym was Open.

Thus far I seem to be doing pretty good. I recovered from the Xmas Splurge that saw me giving in with regard to eating clean. I put on about 5kg during that period. I had lost 20kg prior to that. It was hard to keep above board with the moving plus the Xmas Saga which to me is more like rush hour than anything else. Family get-to-geathers, can be quite a drag with those who only talk politics and religion. I did will to endure such repetitive and negative banter . A lesson in remaining quite and learning to smile under such criticism. When I think of it like that, the smallest of notion almost has me looking forward to the next visit. Almost.

SO – I'm now a full time member of one of the local Gyms. I contacted them all to find the most appropriate one. I'm surprised I joined at all, but now glad I did. I was quite the sporting star back in the day. However it's worth noting that I am no longer attracted to the genre of sport as I find the worshipping/hypnotic mentality on par with Nationalistic and Patriotic Idealism. I make no big deal of it. I basically find sport rather boring as well as sheepish. Bit like masses – religion and politics. It's no surprise I reveal this on such a patriotic day as it be. Today is Australia Day, or rather just another day to me. Let we forget is as good as clinging and those that subscribe … well I think that's enough alienating.

You see – when I write a journal, and although it's online. I aim to remain true to what it is that I believe. Just like any youtube video I may or may not do … life is not about the likes and subscribes, in fact I make no claims of what is wrong and right. No flag waving this end. To define is to confine and such drawing of lines on serves to separate those who do not think of feel as them. Those who disagree, are often labelled and I smile to think – pacified with prescriptions and turnkeys. Byproduct … you see.

Of course this entry is just a ramble … but it's feeling pretty damn good. This is who I am, and I'm not ashamed of who I be. If you like to wave flags, salute, scream out when someone scores … then mores the power to you. I'm different. I avoid the mainstream way of thinking … of course this also includes clinical methodology. But that's OK – this is MY journal … and talking like so is a good way to filter out those who would care less to read.

However if you understand what I'm saying and are of like minded – fear not, I'm not as anti social as my many labels would Atypically define. I reiterate – your replies are welcomed. Although this place does seem fairly inactive when it comes to interacting on a peer based level. But that's OK too.

So I joined the Gym – I'm enjoying the new routes of walking and also the sun. I actually like the new experience of taking a different course … a different view. Got me thinking how important it actually is not to be so rutted in one way. (again re the sports, patriotic and all that other repetitive & suggestive living) Although nothing wrong with suggestions … I have gained a lot with such brainwashing techniques.

I just had to learn some of that clinical approach to which my bias sees me resist. Reading up on Self Hypnosis has revealed a changing in the way some clinical robots think. In fact I am now better able to glean what I can from many of the triggers I would once turn and run from. I've been learning a lot about many different concepts, methods, philosophies, ways of living and so on. The process in opening up like so is very liberating to say the least.

I wash brainwashed heavily as a child – I think I already said in other posts, but just free styling this entry as I go. As kids having to watch those videos of people having their heads cut off for not taking the number of the beast during a Sunday followed with some praise and worship … Man – no wonder my Brother died the way he did. Assembly Of God that church was called.

Sigh oh Sigh – Alas, I have survived and tempered all the more for it. HEY – that's another thing. I don't have an issue for having suffered and also see no shame in being a slow learner that often see me suffer more than others. I only really suffer when I view the concept of suffering as a weak minded persons inability to learn at all. Hmmm hard to say. See what I mean … is hard to find the words, yet I don't mind hitting them out as I know eventually I will come to understand what I mean. Lol … I like that. That's what I mean. I have become good over the years at turning suffering into making me strong. Now the latter statement there is in conflict with those views that we need not suffer at all in order to learn. Can you see what I mean. I get both views … I do … but words fail really. For all my claim of being tempered into a stronger me for having suffered as I have or allow myself to do … I will later find myself rejecting the claim of soldiering on as some kind of action worthy of accolades, because such a cliché sees little for notions of being kind to self – being compassionate in a gentle way that allows for the use of crutches until one can get back on their feet.

YET – soldiers do use crutches and indeed go on to fight another day. One only needs change the clinical technician terms to instead reflect peace instead of war. Of course take out the illusion of using the term “Keepers” For I see only the deluded waving ideals to justify such suffering in the pursuit of terms sold so cheap. Alas – tis a perpetual cycle in which we live and also how we are taught to think.
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Yadda Yadda -

So it is that many claim this day to be Australia's Day. I saw an indigenous video on youtube all of 3 minutes long. It was about the terms Please & Tank You. From their perspective, such words were created for beggers.

It is was it is – their view and I completely agree. I have my own unique perspective … what I choose to do with it is completely up to me. No one can tell me whether my thoughts are wrong or right except myself.


Re-Brainwashing:

Teal'c (Star Gate SG1)
“To resist the influence of others, knowledge of oneself is most important.”

My Journal:

Another workout at the Gym – starting to fit in like a glove. Doing so under my own terms that seek to own the space I traverse. My new aqua buds make the process of creating a bubble outside my house quite effective. I just have to be careful with my play list so I don't over do it is all.

My daughter and grandson have moved back in for now. That saga will take too much time to reflect … instead I just copy and past a response I made in another thread:
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I really got to start doing my post in word. Lost a long one that could of been of help.
No problem with your post being where it is.
That sounds pretty toxic and yes ... it's no good for the kids.

Research also - "The Cycle of Abuse" Domestic and Emotional. Be sure to weigh up the negatives with "I love him"

I just "yet again" did a 10 hour return trip in my car to pick up my youngest daughter who is now suffering with intrusive thoughts
The long term effect of living under such instability can result in some serious mental health issues - not just your average heart palpitation that GPs rapidly respond with handing out scripts.

I know what I am talking about. My family has a LONNNNG history with regard to the cycle of abuse. Touch wood, my youngest daughter in now ready for therapy and seeking to move back in with family that can give the support she so desperately needs. [that saga has been going on for quite some time]

My oldest boy is still smoking crack and due to have his first taste of being incarcerated in an adult prison.

So please ... research "The Cycle of Abuse" and think of your kids. Weigh up the negative outcomes Vs "I love him"
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Popping pills is only a very very small part of the equation and is not for everybody, but whatever path you take ... be sure to get some therapy that actually helps. Start by seeing someone outside of the toxic circle - seek out a councillor. I am sure they will be able to give you some guidance which will as least give you a sense of control.

My heart goes out to you and wish you all the best.
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Yea - It's sure going to take some skills to work through this with my daughter. I just spoke to my therapist who is willing to take on my daughters case as well as my own. (confidentiality a priority of course) I just figured it's about time some of these services started linking families and joining the dots. It's a wonder such in not encouraged. I can appreciate the benefits of confidentiality, however the negative aspect to secrecy the way it has gone in today's world has imo plays a role to instability as well. Not going to extrapolate on that other than use the term "selfish and deceit"

Think I am going to just relax for the rest of the day ... maybe a stroll later on. That was a huge effort the 10 hour return trip. I don't do well driving for long periods of time. Thankfully my other daughter was able to help.

Is good to have this space now. I'm thankful for that.

Purification of the Nervous System - through practising Deep Meditation:

l am still reading this book - Deep Meditation - Pathway To Person Freedom by Yogani. It's just a cheap book. I've been buying quite a few cheap books and getting a LOT out of them.

Just one of many approaches to self help, that I later bring up with my therapist.

The dynamics at home are quite tense as kindness and compassion only goes so far with a short circuited pre-toddler and a young mum that takes everything personally. Establishing a much needed routine is not only needed for our daughter and grandson, but also for the others already living in this house. Hmmmmm - Again, Love and Kindness take on a whole new meaning once another’s paths of least resistance is interrupted.

The constant disruption to everyone else's state of mind in the house is taking it's toll. Finding a balance between reasonably assertions, kindness and compassion is no easy task. The path of least resistance is not always about taking the easy way out.

It can be easy to smile at another when one savours a state of bliss. I'm seriously coming to see; that's what it's not about. It's going to be rough - smiling all the time is not something that's going to help. Let's also change the term "happiness" to Pleasant. Yea - Much better. So much BS to work around with it comes to purification of ones neurological conditioning.
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Nutrition - I'm please to say, at least mine is on track.
I'm only 400grams off my 20 kg loss.

The skeletal cramp I sustained on the treadmill yesterday (or the day before) has reminded my just how much more important my food intake is over my hitting out. Hitting out seems to be part of the purification process from what I am reading. Happens a lot to me once I get in the zone on a treadmill or running down the road. Trouble is, my past medical history and age can make that process a deadly one when someone like myself struggles with the control switch.

Today is rest day. No doubt about it. Key is to watch what I eat despite feeling a little off - way off to be true. I'm not sure I did the right thing with setting my daughter up with the same therapist, but figure I will find a way to still express without breaching respect.

Just got to keep focusing on how far I have come without taking myself out of the moment which thus far has been working reasonably well.

Nothing more nothing less.

So much for my Zen coping strategies:

I don't mind sharing this as it just relates to me and know one else in my family. I really ###$ up at the Gym today. I reacted with what I felt was having my space invaded.

It goes like this:

So there I am, drenched in sweat and feeling pretty chuffed with the zone I was in. Long story short, the purging that was going on inside myself took great offence to the staff member who felt the need to wipe down the machine right next to me. I likened it to diners having the floor swept under their feet. It seemed completely inappropriate and I had already been detecting a patronising attitude towards myself from this guy to begin with. You just know when you not in sync with others, and this guy was very much like that.

At any rate - for whatever justification I can come up with, it matters not. I ended up raising my voice at him regardless of ploy or not. Disgusted with what I saw as disrespect, I simply implied I would just go thrash another machine. I did, and also injured myself during that process. (although hid it well until I got home ... eerrrrrrrrrrr)

Before I left, I went into the office where the offending staff member was sitting with the lady who signed me up. I asked how many days I had been there and then related it to the seven day cooling off period. After a quick check, she replied with a smile; "sorry that offer has now expired."

After I got home, I sent them a email with you know what. It was well articulated, but no doubt will be regarded as pompous regardless of whether right or not.

I'm not just upset about the lack of disrespect with regard to considering another’s space, but more so my own reaction as now being tied into a contract, I will no doubt have to face such triggers again.
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What the ###$ was I thinking about putting myself into that kind of social situation. Especially with a world the way it is. GGRRRRR.

Will have to go easy on my leg and let the heal, and start avoiding the staffed hours at the gym. Unfortunately it seems to be busy during those hours.

I'm sure it will pass under the bridge - animosity for sure will ensue ... but ###$ them. They should give users more space when it comes to ######6 wiping down machines they know I will only end up splashing. There is no doubt in my mind the guy was looking for a reaction. I defiantly would of given someone like myself the space and waited to they had finished.

I think I will just be doing the weights from now on and avoiding the cardio machines. They don't mind taking peoples money, but don't like it when people actually work out and or sweat!
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Rant over ...

You can lock the thread now. TY