Aschizoid's Journal (replies welcome)

Aschizoid's Journal (replies welcome)

This is my first journal post on here. I have made a post on the schizoid sub forum, but making a new thread every time I want to write out my thoughts, seems a little excessive. If you have read my post, you'd know that I've been having some me problems and some girl problems. This first post will probably be quite long and organized. Replies are welcomed. Advice, thoughts or anything in between is good. It was either keep a journal on here or open a blog. This seemed easier.

A friend of mine asks me a few questions about her and I couldn't answer her then since my thoughts have been jumbled up. I told her that I'd write a journal entry about it and send it to her. I'll just start by saying the things I like about her before I answer the questions. She really is the best person I've known which isn't hard, but she still has that title in my eyes. I think what I really like about her, is that she takes the time to try and understand me being a schizoid, my social anxiety and my insomnia. I'd add depression on there, but I haven't felt the effects of that in awhile. She lets me vent about things that have been bothering me and she doesn't interrupt me. She just lets me say what's been bothering me while just listening. I just haven't met someone like that before. She does have some self esteem issues, but they aren't that bad. I made sure she knew that I really wouldn't change a thing about her. She's also the only person who can really make me smile when we talk and I really do like talking to her. I would consider her as someone I think is pretty, but that probably has a decent amount due to her personality. It's still a mystery how any of this happened and it was purely a coincidence that I met her.

Lately I've been trying to let her see the real me and it's a lot harder then I thought. I know that if I want this thing to work out I do need to work out, I can't hide away like I usually do. It pretty much goes against what I've been doing my whole life. Of course there are times where I can't help it, but I think she understands that. I even gave her a list of things she could do when I need to be alone for however long. Whether it's leaving food in a spot where I'd see it or just not pester me about some things. Small reminders are nice since sometimes I really do forget to eat and do other things that I should be doing. I guess what I'm saying is being there in a way that I don't notice would be good when I get like that. I'm sure there will also be times where I do get super affectionate, so it will balance out I hope. The whole is scary since I've never done anything like this and I've never been this honest with anyone before.

She asked me the other day what I wanted and it was pretty clear to me what I wanted. I told her that I obviously want to be in a relationship with her since I do like her, but it's not that simple this time around. Last time I hurt her pretty badly and it did have some lasting effects on her which I still feel bad about. There's a few a big questions I still need to answer. One of them being, am I ready for a relationship right now? I really can't decide whether or not I am ready for it. It'd be a long distance relationship for now atleast which does take a lot of the pressure off. It'd probably be very nerve racking otherwise. I don't think I'm quite ready for a relationship like that. I do need some time to warm up to her before even considering that kind of relationship with her. Another question that's been on my mind is whether or not I'm fine with one or both us getting hurt. I don't know if I'm ready to risk getting hurt over all of this. Makes me wonder if it'd be any different if I wasn't a schizoid.

Last night she did come right out and tell me that she's sure that she wants to give us being a couple another chance. It took me awhile to explain to her that I both want and don't want a relationship with her right now. It probably made less sense to her then it does for me. My feelings have become clear to me and I can't deny that I've started to want her in a romantic way. She's probably the most happy about that news. It's what she wanted last time and I just couldn't give it to her at that point. I regret not being able to give her what she wanted and that I should've turned her down and kept being her friend. Hindsight is always 20/20 right? This has all been new to me and it's been quite the hassle if anything else. Suppressed feelings really are a bitch when they surface. It makes me wonder what else is floating around in the deep places of my mind. I hope they don't surface ever. I mean just look what happened to me this time around. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I do plan on writing about other things, but this is what's been on my mind.

I've been meaning to write an update for quite some time now. Things have unfortunately been busy with family and work. Thank god I finally found a job where I'm alone for 95% of time while I'm there. Being a security guard doesn't pay that well, but I don't have to deal with people since I work the graveyard shift and I can bring my laptop for entertainment at the new site I'm working at. It's where I'm writing this update or at the very least starting it. Anyways, I have a few things that I wanted to write down for a little while.

The girl that I wrote about before, we are no longer together. We gave it a shot since I think we both wanted to. It unfortunately didn't work it, but at least I tried. Which really isn't something I've done for awhile. In the end, there were too many problems and I had to call it off after I knew it wasn't going to work out. No point prolonging something I already knew wouldn't work out. Nothing wrong about it and I'm glad I got some closure from it. With all my attempts at being in a romantic relationship(Not that there's a large sample size), I don't think I've ever fully gotten closure for myself. I'll discuss this again later when I talk about an issue I've been having.

Honestly I've been in a pretty decent spot lately. I found a job that actually doesn't make it hard to get out of bed in the morning. My insomnia does that just fine. Which hasn't been that bad actually. I average around 6 hours of sleep a day. On rare days, I can even get 8 hours. Not that it happens a lot. People haven't been bothering me that much lately. Not that I really put myself in situations that involves them, but when it does happen I feel like I cope with it better. I still do put on a mask in every social situation, but I no longer mentally picture ways how I could kill them if they got into my personal space. So I'll take that as a small win for now.

One of things that has been bothering me for awhile now would be my family. They seem to always come up with explanations for things that I do rather then just talk to me about it. Like for example, the past few years I've lost a lot of weight. Well it's really only been 2 years since I've really started to lose it. They always say it's been stress, but I don't really stress out about things. Sure I get frustrated from time to time, but a couple hours of being alone wipes everything away. Both good and bad things. The answer is actually quite simple as to why I've lost a lot of weight. The main thing was that I was able to completely isolate myself the past two years. Social interactions no longer took it's toll on me and I was able to relax. That had more of an effect on me then anything else. I no longer had to wake up and be miserable at school any more. I quit college after a year since I just couldn't find reasons to go any more. It really took it's toll on me and once I cut it out of my life, I just naturally started to lose weight. I cut out junk food as well, but I didn't really consume a lot of it. Also I started to get more sleep then when I was enrolled at school. Which was another huge thing that caused it. I was no longer staying up for days at a time. Sometimes it was so bad that I went a week without sleeping which was a nightmare for me. I could actually sleep after lets say 20-24 hours. Now I've lost like 120 or 130 pounds. It's not like they've ever asked me what I think happened. They'd rather just make their assumptions and tell them to people. They honestly do it a lot and it's been irking me for awhile.

Lately my ex has been on my mind a lot. Not the one I mentioned earlier, but the one before her. I suffer from brain hyperactivity which is one of the causes for my insomnia. It's probably not the only one. Anyways, I can never stop myself from thinking about something and it's been a hassle. She's been on mind and it's probably since I never got the closure I wanted. I think I had gotten some, but it wasn't the kind I wanted. A bit of background about her would probably help explain things a bit. From about grade 5 and on we were inseparable. Like we wouldn't really talk during school, but we'd always visit each other after school and usually every day at that. It continued like that until we got situated in high school. I think we both had a hand in us falling apart, but for the sake of this, I'll take full responsibility for it. I suffered from clinical depression all throughout high school and I honestly just couldn't be around her anymore. I was seriously considering suicide and being close to people just made it harder. Obviously, I didn't do it, but I don't know if it was the right choice. Only time will tell that. My schizoid tendencies started becoming quite apparent in high school. After high school, we saw each other every so often since our families are close. It started to lead us to texting and talking on phone despite how much I hate talking on the phone. One night, we got on the subject that we used to have feelings for each other back when we were younger. Well like a couple years prior to that point. I said that I would be curious if we would work out and I asked her if she was interested in trying it just to see. She didn't see any harm in it and we dated for a bit. I won't get into what happened since it'll just end in a long rant. Long story short, she treated me horribly. If I wasn't so attached to her as a friend, it wouldn't have went on for as long as it did. She's the only person I've known since before I was a schizoid and I was probably blinded by the fact that she at least knew the real me. Well part of me anyways. No one else has ever accomplished that before. I always thought that if me and her didn't work out, we could always go back to being like friends. Maybe even how we used to be, but that was the last thing I wanted by time I finally called her out on her $#%^ and ended it. I think I started to remember how good of friends we used to be and it really got me going again. I've yet to find anything like that since. So it does sound good in theory, but I could never try it again. Not after what I said to her when I ended things. I really knew her weak points and I exploited them to get some kind of revenge. I'll eventually repress things like I usually do, but it's still bothering me as of right now.

I was really thinking of changing jobs. The new job does require me to save up for training, but overall it seems like a better fit. I was thinking of becoming a truck driver. It pays at least 3 times more then I currently make and I'd be alone. It'd also let me get away from where I've lived my whole life and I think it'd be beneficial. Not being reminded of the past everywhere I look would help. I have always wanted to just get away from where I live. Not for any particular reason, maybe just to find somewhere I belong or like enough to be able to put up with it. I think it would be a much better job then what I currently have and it has more positives. I could be away for long periods of time or all the time if I so desire. I'll have to save up for a bit to get enough for training. It was just a thought anyways. If anyone on here does do it, I'd love to hear what you think about it.

This is just a thought about something I read the other day. I heard that schizoids don't have fake selves. Narcissists do, but not schizoids. While I don't think I have one, I think it's quite accurate as to how I describe how I act in social situations. I'm really not myself while I'm in one. I'm far way deep in my mind while I'm in them. I guess a mask is one way of describing it, but that still doesn't seem accurate. It's like I'm locked away in a tower far away while I'm on auto-pilot. I'm sure every schizoid describes it differently. I'm a little curious as to how others put it.

There's a couple other things I want to write about, but I feel like I'll be here for awhile if I don't stop now. I'll save those for another entry.

I've been mulling this over for awhile, but I wanted to talk a little about my thoughts on romantic relationships. I've had a hard time really understanding my thoughts on them, so lets hope this will be better.

I'm very much caught up in the idea of romantic relationships. Having someone that you can be both physically and emotionally close to, seems really great. Let's not focus on the fact that it kinda freaks the $#%^ out of me to be that close with someone, but I digress. Having that network of support seems like it'd be invaluable to have. Just being able to go into the next room and just tell someone what your problems are while knowing that they are listening to you, seems extremely attractive. It's not just things like that, that I'd find attractive. I do enjoy the physical closeness at times. I'm quite fond of some displays of affection. I always joked about being with someone who's a good cook, but it is something I think is quite important to me. I'm a decent cook, but I love the idea of someone having a meal ready for me when I forget to eat. Also when I do feel the need to be alone for whatever period of time, finding a plate of food made just for me when I want to eat, really does seem great. Having it be good food only makes it seem better. To me it's a pretty big plus, but I'm sure others would laugh at how that seems important to me. I'm sure there's a lot of little things that I'm missing, but those are what make me want one. I know it probably won't be like that, but who knows.

I think I'll list what I would like in a partner. It seems like it'd be easier to explain to someone exactly what I want in someone through writing. The first thing is that she'd need to understand my boundaries. For example, I really hate kissing and hugging. Don't get me wrong, at times I don't mind them. For the most part however, I don't. I'm sure that would be hard for someone to be in a romantic relationship without doing those things a lot, but I'd much rather express how I feel through other ways. I actually really like cuddling. Don't ask me why, I've been trying to figure that out myself. That would be a way that she would understand how I feel. She'd have to have the patience of a saint. There's a variety of reasons why. The most obvious one is that I constantly jumble up my words when I'm under pressure. I've hurt many people through my jumbled words and she'd have to be patient until I realize what I actually said. It can sometimes take awhile. It's an issue I've had ever since I was a kid. I actually had quite the stutter when I was young. It was since my mind was thinking faster then my mouth could keep up with. I've found ways to cope with it, but it's mainly by talking a lot slower. At times I actually pause in the middle of a sentence to think about where I was in my thought. She'd also have to compromise on some things, just like I would. I'm sure we both would have to. Like for example, I really don't understand what to do when someone is crying. Most of the time, I just walk away. I know I obviously can't do that when I'm in a committed relationship. So I'd compromise by doing something to try and help. Whether or not I actually did help would be debatable, but at least it was coming from a good place. As much as it'd be to my demise, she'd have to be able to call me out on my $#%^. Not like nagging, but like calmly telling me that I forgot to call her when I said I would or that I forgot to take out the garbage. This is another big one, but I hope that she can live with knowing that I'll probably hate most, if not all of her family and friends. She doesn't have to understand it, but putting up with it is something that she needs to be able to do. I'm a pretty boring guy, well I think so anyways. There isn't a lot of things I would want to do for dates. I know that going on dates is important, but don't expect them to be well exciting for lack of a better term. I'd much rather stay and cook together then go out to eat in a restaurant. I'd love to go on like midnight walks through a beach or park. I think star gazing would be fun. Watching sunrises/set are fun too. All these things are solitary activities. That's what I would enjoy the most out of dates. There is one physical thing that I think is a must on all girls for me. I don't think I'm shallow at all, but for me a girl having long, straight, well taken care of hair, really is the most attractive thing a girl can have.

I don't really care about the rest. I'm sure I'll think of other things as I go on, but as of right now this is the list. I realize there's not a lot of things on it, but apparently it's hard to find. Not that I've really looked. I don't think I'm ready for a committed relationship, but life always has knack for throwing $#%^ at us when really don't want it to. This turned into a much longer post then I thought, sorry about that.

This will be just a quick entry. Well maybe.

When I was at work tonight, I walked up to the top floor of the building I was watching for work. It's 29 floors up, so that works to roughly 250-300 feet up which is pretty high for the city I'm in. I got kind of lost when I was up there. Lost in thought anyway. I was looking out the windows and recalling different memories I had over the years here. Like the school I went to as a kid, houses of old school friends, etc. I couldn't help noticing that even when I was younger my schizoid traits were quite apparent. Obviously no where near as bad, but still there and from my perspective quite noticeable. It was just like one of those moments where something just clicked and you understood something. I know schizophrenia runs in my family, so it got me thinking that maybe that's how I got it instead of it being my environment growing up. Just more or less an explanation on why I am how I am. I couldn't help wondering just how much my life would be different if I never got it, but I couldn't really imagine any big changes. I just couldn't picture myself any differently. It's a weird thought though. If I could get rid of it, would I really want to. It's hard to see without experiencing it. Suddenly getting rid of something so prevalent in my life might just cause me to have quite the breakdown. If I had to choose without any information, my answer would be no. I'm already used to being a schizoid and having to have an active social life seems really draining.

Just a thought I had and I figured that I should write it down.