Smurf's Journal (No replies) *TW*

I really wish people would check with me before they make plans for me. How hard is it to ask an effing question especially out of ear shot from kids......... ARGH I effing had plans not to be here. To be somewhere safe and no where near home. Eff this I've had enough

I can't and don't want to deal with this anymore. Please can I just die? I need out. I can't do this anymore. I really can't.

Trying so hard to pluck up the courage to........................ very ambiguous statement really!

I can't do this anymore. I give up.

Sorry

I really can't do this anymore. Please give up on me. I have no fight left. I'm not strong. I'm a screwed up mess. I'm only good for whatever position they want me in. They win. I feel so worthless. I'm dead on the inside. I may as well be completely dead. It hurts so much. No one can really ever understand how hard this is. No one can ever understand the emotional distress and torment I feel. I don't want to be here. I really can't do this anymore. Please let me die. Please give up on me. Please let me die. Please.

Rant...... Argh you have a virus. For goodness sake I'm sick of listening to you whinging about being ill. You really are a sodding drama queen.

It was just sex. Why am I reacting so badly? It was what it was. The fear of knowing someone else is in the room, even though you can't see them because of the darkness. Then the touch you. The worst place ever. The thing you hate more than anything. The thing they normally laugh at you about, because of the pain. It's so wrong. Perhaps everything else would be manageable if they didn't do that

I hate it. Please don't do that again. Please. I can't deal with that. Please let me die so I don't have to do it again......... ever

I so desperately want to overdose.

For the first time in ages I spent this afternoon with medication next to me [small edit]
There is part of my arm that really irritates me. I find it really offensive and could quite happily have chopped my arm off today........ I want to do so much damage to myself just now.

I'm on a course tomorrow with work, but really don't want to go. It is in a city that has too many triggers. I can't deal with the triggers just now. I can't deal with my life just now.

I need to die. I need to stop asking for help and I need to stop posting. It's the wrong time of year for me to do this, but there is something making me incredibly suicidal just now. AwI don't know. I just need to die. Only option. Eff it..........

Physically hurting. I didn't think I was physically hurt.

I can't do this anymore. I can't deal with the aftermath. The intense emotions. I just can't do it.

I know I'm a whore. A dirty filthy disgusting vile whore and I deserve to be punished.

Today I have been dealing with a young woman who has been sexually assault and potentially raped. So a bit triggering.

Last few days I guess my head has been in the sand. I've been trying to ignore and distance myself from my own life. Last night my thought pattern was very clear when I posted. Tonight i still standby the decision I made.

Eff it

I feel incredibly low and fragile. I can't deal with someone being sexually assaulted, whether it be having to deal with it at work or in my own head. Not that I have ever been abused or raped......
I collude with it. I do as they say, so how can it possibly be rape or anything along those lines.

The sooner I die the better.

Still want to die!

I want to be dead.

I need to be dead.

I'm so tired. Fed up and low.

I'm so scared. Scared doesn't really cover how I feel.

@3D a person

Torn between running and other. ###$ ###$ ###$ please don't report me. Please. I can't deal with that. I know you said you wouldn't but you've freaked me out. I want to go to one of my safe places, but I know I would probably choose the dangerous one. ###$ please don't ask me for their names again. Please just believe me. Accept I don't want to share more. I can't tell you more. I'm too scared. That safe place is screaming at me, but the temptation would be to strong. Why did you have to ask the questions you did. I tried to be honest, but now I'm scared. I can't do this. I really can't