Smurf's Journal (No replies) *TW*

Please do not reply to this journal, thank you

Cracked

Thank you Cracked!

This feels a tad weird as I had asked for my account to be de-activated, yet here I am posting in my own little space. Hmm I think I need time to process that request a while longer. It was a genuine request, but hey ho.

Yesterday I was asked how and why I did not remember what happened the Tuesday before. I can't! I know vaguely what happened, but details etc no. I focus on a spot on the wall or the ceiling and allow the spot to become my new world. I don't think that is wrong or unusual. It makes it far more manageable and that is surely the important thing to manage. To cope with the unthinkable. It helps not to remember. Not to feel. Not to hear.

Want to get in my car and disappear forever. Disappear without a trace.

It feels as though I am fighting my own demons just now. So many memories are going through my head all triggered by an incident the other day. I never realised how much stuff could come flooding back from one little thing. Writing this is making me cry, maybe tears are a good thing. Perhaps it's a realisation of how much power they have. No matter what I do, I will never be free. No matter how hard I try to get safe physically, mentally and emotionally they will always win. Death feels like the only option. Even if I die there are still consequences. My GP will tell the inquest what she knows for sure.

I'm trapped with no way out. They win. They reminded me the other day how much power they have. There is no way out. Back to whatever position. Finding a spot on the wall, ceiling on floor. Losing myself in the world of that spot/mark. Focusing on it. It allowing to become my safe place on a planet far away. No where near what they are doing. Trying to remember a safe place or time away from them. A place where no one knows and where I'm not being hurt.

Thoughts of death are so strong. Graphic images and thoughts going through my head. Even the damage they can do when I'm dead is hurting me. I feel so ashamed. I am dirty, vile, disgusting and contaminated. I will never be free. I'm damaged physically, mentally and emotionally forever.

Stupid stupid stupid girl

Disgustingly vile dirty girl

So ashamed

Serves myself right.

My own fault.

Not self pity, but the truth

Stupid stupid stupid girl.

Unnecessary posting!

Manipulative!

Attention seeking!

General pain in ass!

Complete utter numpty..... hmm insult to numpties really!

If a job is worth doing, then it is worth doing it properly. Get on with it and put us all out of our misery. Please just go. Kcuf off.

So I forgot all about having this journal! Thank you to frostbite, Amanda and Ech for reminding me inadvertently.

Here goes! My own personal conversation with myself.

I don't want to be alive!

I have choice! Some are very unwise choices.

My physical health conditions are unstable at present. I am on my second lot of oral steroids for my asthma. As a result my steroid induced hypoglycaemia is quite high. I need to take insulin to try to control it, but the urges to take too much is very high. I have always been crap at taking oral medication, but with injectable medication it feels so different. On one hand I'm taking care of myself or at least trying to and on the other I am desperate to be destructive.

I totally hate who I am.

The scars on my arm are really getting to me. The words I cut into many years ago still sum up how I feel about myself, 'help' my attempt at getting help! 'Shame' I can't move beyond feeling that. I am so ashamed. The things they have done. The things I have done. The absolute humiliation of it all. The other word is 'dirty' - sums me up. I am dirty. Vile beyond words. I'm glad no one can reply to this thread. I really am dirty. I'm disgusting and don't deserve support. I have done some pretty despicable things.

I live with the woman who is birth mum to our two children. I can't stand being here. I don't particularly like her much at present. I've been sleeping on the sofa for weeks, partly due to my asthma and partly because I can't bare sharing a room with her. My kids are doing my head in!

I'm also very much still in love with a woman I had an affair with. She wanted me to leave my life here, but I couldn't. She is now with someone else and I genuinely wish her well, but I also love her and want to be with her. I could be honest with her and I trusted her, but I hurt her so much. I think this the first time I have ever commented on my true feelings about this woman. We tried to be friends, but I couldn't deal with it. I made the decision for us to end all contact in October, but I miss her so much. I had no intentions of being alive after the end of October, but hey I still am. And still suicidal!

Regarding the abuse. I don't think I have the right to call it that anymore. I choose to meet them to stop them from carrying out their threats of violence and public humiliations. I let them do what they want to me, to stop them doing it to others. I let them use me as their wh0re because that's what I am. A disgusting, vile, horrid, despicable wh0re. I deserve to be treated the way they treat me and sometimes even get pleasure from it. How screwed up is that. My body betrays me and I hate it, but I deserve this, both the physical and emotional pain that goes with it.

I don't want to be alive and hopefully by the end of this year will have managed *mod edit* I suspect mods will heavily edit this post, but hey ho. At least I get to be honest with myself briefly. This is also possibly my longest ever thread. I wish so badly it was my last.

One of those people have moved into a neighbouring village.

My own fault!

My choice!

Vile!

Disgusting!

Horrid!

Dirty!

So ashamed!

So embarrassing!

Hurting!

Bleeding!

Sad!

Stupid!

Vile!

Betrayal!

Complete utter dirty filthy wh0re, slut and more..........

I deserved it