Smurf's Journal (No replies) *TW*

I feel lost beyond words.
My 5 & 0 thing is in overdrive.
Flashbacks.
New memories.
New hurts.
New urges.
Realisation.
My head is effed up and I’m struggling to cope.
Hurting so much.
Asking for help feels so difficult.
Plus I’m off my meds! No point taking them, when the inevitable is looming. And the count down has started

I’ve tried & failed.

So many times I’ve reached out for help. I always fail.

Hurt too many times. Almost 41 yrs since the very first time. I just want to be free. I am so desperately low, but know what I need to do. It’s so hard to keep asking for help. Begging for help. screaming for help. No more. 0 & 5s are playing havoc. Visualising too many things. Flashback are so bad. Nightmares are even worse. Some of us are too slow to realise they should have thrown the towel in many many years ago. Maybe it’s now time. No more reaching out. No more doing what is expected. Time to deal with all this crap my way. Sorry