xod_s journal:plz feel most free to respond

This might have eaten away at time to do Tai-chi b4 the end of the day but this is more important

-Parties are meaningful when your little kids.There socializing events with your family and friends,done annually and for a good reason unlike the weekly clubbing some ppl do when there older.

-Later on a few other of the among the older cousins of mine came with their respective boyfriend and girlfriend.The girlfriend I heard was living with them and pregnant last time.She didn't seem like it really though.She seemed relatively aloof the whole time even if it stuff like my cousin's watching kid's shows and many of us speaking Spanish left her feeling uninterested in mingling or excluded.For some reason my cousin left her there -_- early on. When I asked my mom about whether they had a child she said "No lo tuvieron" ("they didn't have it").*Note the wording.A morbid question simmered in my my mind for what was probably hours while I glanced at the girl occasionely wondering if she would ever be capable of doing a certain thing.

Then I summoned the courage to ask the sister of my impregnator cousin if that girl is pregnant.She said that "she was but not anymore" (or something like that) or that they were lying (for some reason >:I) and that her mom is crazy and kicked her out/disowned her I guess.I then asked her how long she's been with them now.She said she forgets.Maybe it was last August or October.Those particular cousins of mine have been mendacious if not,not having clear,serious replies ever since they were little.

Look if you haven't caught my drift already the morbid question that was in my mind was if she...>8I made a decision which really pushes it 4 me on how much of an irresponsible, immature dumba--- my cousin *is b/c everyone spoke of her as the first time she's impregnated a girl when I know for a fact it was the second time...what happened to that first unrevealed pregnancy yet another morbid echoing question .I thought about how if I ever have a girlfriend making sure they wouldn't ever do such a thing is onedeal breaking factor for anyone I'd like to commit to.I'm sure there's myriad ways to talk about this but among the things that I can say is that you dont EVER kill family.Esp.the prenatal sort.How acrid like that she was at the birthday party of a family with 5 children in elementary and one that doesn't even go to school yet,that I played "keep up [the baloon in the air off the ground]" with her and the others.

Then it came to me a new mission in life;I'll have to do this for as long as I live.Right down to anyone great-grandkids and whatever other descendants I live to see.Oh man, how do I live interacting with such people? .If[/i] she did it of course.There's no clear way to know but at that moment I really wished I had the power to read minds.I could imagine that if someone could read minds and were reading the mind of someone who they say suspect of having murdered a family member they would sift thru the person's mind just looking for an answer to that question not wasting any time with other stuff in that person's mind.That occasion gave me deep stuff to chew on and I swear I feel like I could've written more on this or that I will as it comes back to memory or something like that.While I was there I thought about how unfortunate it is that my aunt doesn't have internet b/c I felt like rushing on to the net on to this site to write about this while in the midst of that house there.

*which is why from on I want [b]nothing to do with him.

Weeks ago one of my sister's friends pecked me while she was sobering up.Stuff has happened about what I thought about that since then and I can't decide whether or not I like her.Unfortunately a part of me worries that there getting in the bad overrated dumb---- habit of drinking to much and I'll be getting less interested in my sisters friend and the path of destruction she mite be led on. Ugghh ever ha a time when you wish someone really attractive you'd like to click with didn't lead such a "wild" repellant lifestyle?.That how I feel like.A bit I think.

I "hanged out" with my sister and her friend as we went to a park to walk our dog.This hanging out thing isn't so difficult I guess (for places where your not paying).I was still the taciturn and preoccupied one (but thankfully not ignored in a group of 3 ppl and a dog) and I saw my sister's personality as the jokingly badgering one.We had some good talk even though it cuts into time for a test on Java where I feel moribund.But darn it the time was so nourishing to my inner being and it's such a beatuiful day markng the end of functional winter.

I'm glad you had a good day with your sister and her friend hanging out and walking the dog. I love being out walking especially when its cold and crisp.

I read your post above and it sounds like you are processing alot of things at the moment, i hope writting things out here is helping.

Take care

Has anyone ever noticed how you can be 20 something have 2 degrees yet still be pushing it in a minimum wage job as a security guard and yet you are not made fun of (well not really,*hopefully* -_- ) yet still have friends who went on (to quote a chemistry teacher during a period when I dont think he liked me due to my abysmal marks) "bigger and better things" ?.

Somehow a part of me tells me that,that's b/c if there part of their generation they still see them as kids.The kids they grew up with.The kids they grew up with yet (and I'm going to use a phrase that I feel bad for using b/c I feel it unjustly understates such ppl or at least it's an irratatingly unspecific phrase*-_-) "for some reason" didn't really make it and are in the same work category as the more unpleasant ppl in that occupation title who throughout your school years you tried to avoid.

It makes me slightly less cynical of ppl thinking about it this way .And similar to how I've seen my sister grow up and develop into someone who likely might go and work at a community welfare center or something more simple like an elementary school assistant yet I know can be sort of irresponsible with her lifestyle and car doings,not really willing to change it,eating lots of junk food a/o take out a/o going out to eat,continously saying how she's going to move out,(a few years ago) saying occasionely to the faces of both me and my brothers how were "losers -_- " and she's not related to us along with her still common methods of trying to get out of arguements with me or even somewhat deep causal talks despite having now taken formal classes in psych and studying social skills.

I would like to say that it was at least nice to see before my very own eyes all those years "the making of" such ppl who I would say encounter on any given day in a mall,bump into them,get yelled at with me thinking their a jerk when for all I know that person I've bumped into unpleasantly might be a bank manager for all I know yet still have a relatively run of the mill personality and had,had a relatively run of the mill development like my sister.

I guess it takes a lot of courage to come out and say your non-hetero.I don't think it's much easier for someone like myself to reveal my largely isolationist existence so far,whcih sort of continues b/c my asociality doesn't feel to much like going out but I recieve and listen to the people who come and go,who I encounter.
-----------------------------------------
I'd like to think that I'm in the process of at least trying to make an affectionate friendship with a girl right now.

Oh man looking at my blog there's some terribly negative stuff in there.

are you ok xod?

Restored wrote:are you ok xod?

Thanks for the question Restored,I'm ok for now I suppose.

To use the analogy of dating and the economic development of countries.There are countries that have had a good understanding of how to get their economy going for centuries now.For instance the .U.S.,Canada,.U.K.,China,Japan and a lot of Western European countries.Let say that those countries are like kids who dated as early as their mid-teens.

Then there a those who are not currently developed (although this doesn't mean they cant be) but are coming around to it.Various Hispanic countries,India,various east European countries,various African countries and I might as well throw in the Pacific island regions like Polynesia,Micronesia and Melanesia for good measure b/c of the mix of those who are independant and still colonies and I'm sure that sooner or later they'll want in on the action for the sake of their own development *.Let's say they are the "less graceful" kids who are starting to date late at an age of there mid to late 20's.

The reason why the latter can technically potentially become more accomplished and surpass the former is b/c they are dating late when the environment around them is suitable enough to have significance on them and they are significant enough to have an impact on their (dating) environment.This is in contrast to the ones who've been dating longer,at a younger age and who have an established routine of methods for how they go about wih every date making them have lenses that make them feel haughty and blase with how they see each new date (economic oppurtunity esp.with transnational interactions).To use an example with archetypes their the "popular high school jocks" who see a girl and think they easily whisk them away b/c of the reputation they have regardless of how not so good they actually treat their dates,in their minds they think their such "hot shizz" they any girl they approach has to date them.

Call this a reason for optimism in (political?) economy,I guess you can say.

*And b/c I think it's the region of the world most ppl are unaware of b/c of the small sizes of the islands and how scattered they are.Antartica not counting b/c there's no real feasible human population down there.

There's a lot to be said about the strategic value of silence and being quiet but I'm not saying.Pun intended .

You know a lot of ppl complain to me that I dont much,should talk more,dont know how to talk to ppl etc but there methods aren't better themselves.Gossiping,judging,commenting on superficialities isn't exactly a much better way to go than constant questioning,probing and trying to connect to deeper things.I'd like to say more on that another time maybe.I swear there's a cracked article on things ppl mistake "quiet" ppl for being which I'll get to after exams.

I guess I should accpet the designation that ppl say of me being smart.I mean what kind of (potential) parent would I be if I was called a smart parent?.