weepingwillow's journal (replies welcome)

Hi cracked,
How are you?

I feel really bad, i told the receptionist in the doctors that i didnt need the appt because the hospital did the blood tests and results were normal.
I haven't even tried sticking to the food plan over the last few days. I've been exercising most nights, almost all night. Taking even more laxatives than usual.
I've been losing weight fast lately and i don't want anyone to stop that.
I think this is why my moods have been so up and down lately.
I don't really know what to do about it though, i know what i should do but i also know that im not great at doing what i should be doing.

anyway, just needed to get that out.
thanks for listening to my rants
willow

Hi Willow

Sounds like you are in a difficult place. At a crossroads of either carrying on with things and losing more weight or starting to change the unhealthy behaviours. I really understand how good weight loss feels and how terrifying it seems to change this and change your behaviour but the problem is that things escalate and you can get really ill. I think if you can have hte blood tests- you need things checking. When do you next see the ED person? I know that the illness behaviours can seem like dear friends and feel really satisfying and good but they come at such a price. please have a think about changing them - even if it is just a little. One step at a time. Keep talking too - I am worried about you

Hugs

Cracked

Hey Cracked,

Thank you for the reply.
I don't know what i want more at the minute, i do want to get better (especially for my daughter) but i really want to lose weight! And i know i can't do both. I want to be as determined as i was but seeing the numbers on the scale getting smaller makes me so happy, its hard to want something that will do the opposite.
I have an appt at the ED place tomorrow. I'm still going to go, it crossed my mind to leave for a while but i won't. It took me forever to build up the guts to go, i'm not going to ruin it by leaving.
I will definately keep coming on here and talking, i can't guarentee i will always make sense tho. Might just ramble a bit.

Please don't worry, i am ok

willow

Huge hugs hon

I really hope your appt goes well - be honest with them about how you are doing - they will understand hon

HUge hugs

Cracked

Hey,
Thank you for always giving such good advice! I've been thinking a lot about what you said. I'm not going to lie and say i don't want to lose weight anymore but i am willing to try harder and maybe make a few small changes. I want things to be better, i want to be happy!
I had my appointment today, it went well. I showed her my food diary and she didn't judge at all. She was very nice about it. I don't agree with 'how ill' she seems to think i am though. We worked on making a list of distractions i could do to stop me throwing up. I'll give it a try.
My next appt isn't for two weeks but i can contact her if i need to. She wants me to have seen my gp before the next appt too.
I'm not in a great mood today and not looking forward to work. My voice still isn't back. I wish i could just go to bed. Hopefully work will go quick and then i can get some sleep. Its hard to be motivated when i'm so tired.

Anyway, Thank you again so much!
willow

You really are welcome hon.

I think it is a massive step forward to say you are willing to make some changes and work towards getting better. I am also really glad that your appt went well. Please do go see your GP if you can at all as I think it would be really good to get a medical once over. Things can get better for you

Huge hugs

Cracked

Its worth a try. i wish i could be more optimistic about it but at the minute thats the best i can do. better than nothing though.
I have a letter written out for my doctor, i'll make an appt and hopefully be able to give her it.
I'm going to try and eat something small tomorrow. see how that goes.

willow

I think those are all really good plans. You can beat this - you certainly seem strong enough to.

Huge hugs

Cracked

had a little bit of low fat natural yogurt today and was able to use a distraction and keep it down. i didnt feel proud of myself though, i was disgusted and annoyed. it has helped me realise how f****ed up my head is and i have an appt with my gp on monday. i really hope she is ok about it and can help.

Not feeling very well today so haven't really tried with the food plan. I have decided to keep sticking with getting better though, no matter what i think about it.
I wrote a list of pros and cons of recovery, the pros list was very long and the cons list had 2 things on it! i'm really trying to get motivated again. I know i will get there.