Recovering from OCD (may trigger) VERY LONG

So, with my first pregnancy is when I first started noticing the symptoms of my OCD, I was 18 at the time, and just had gotten off drugs 6 months previous as well as started living in our own trailer hom (me and my then boyfriend now husband). We had been homeless with eachother I believe a little over a year. A lot went on during that time, and we were both in and out of jail, living in hotels and on the sidewalk/benches/in front of stores. Doing drugs and experiencing paranoia from the meth. Anywho, I stopped doing drugs and became pregnant 6 months later after getting off the streets, I then started becoming very aware of germs and contamination. Worrying about trivial things, to some people, but to me seemed to be life or death such as washing my hands, scrubbing, avoiding public places, blood, semen, worrying about accidentally stepping on a needle and spreading the contamination, etc. It was BAD. It took over my life and I thought it could never get worse. Anyways, over the years of having my son and living with OCD things have been good and gotten worse, peaked and ebbed, as these things go. I was on and off my medicine, not because of any specific reason, I guess because it was hard for me to keep up with taking my medicine daily, or maybe I am lazy, maybe I dont want to deal with having to take medicine for the rest of my life. Sometimes I may not have been able to afford the medicine either since I didnt always have insurance and had to pay OOP for doctors visits and medication. So that is the reason probably why I was not steadily improving. Anyways, so my son was 2 years old when I found out I was pregnant again. I was currently taking abilify and prozac I believe, at the time, and once I found out I was pregnant, I went off the medication without consulting a doctor or anyone, I just stopped taking it because I didnt want to harm my baby. Well as a few weeks go by, I started developing new symptoms in my OCD, I had never really experienced particulary troubling intrusive thoughts other than contamination fears, but as I researched what I was going through, and as my anziety increased I realized it may be ROCD (Relationship OCD) I started to worry about everytime I had been somewhere with out my husband, whether I was sober or drinking at the time. It got bad, I love my husband so much and to think I could have betrayed him was like a sword in my heart and I was mean, I had a very short temper with my son, I had even slapped him a few times when he was acting up not listening to me, I was a terrible mom at this time because my mind could not function or focus on anything else other than my ROCD and calling up people and questioning them about that time trying to figure out if I had cheated. Made my self look like a complete psycho in the process. Then to throw in the mix, we were moving 60 miles away from where I had been pretty much my whole life, so I was pregnant, moving and experiencing debilitating OCD/depression. Once we moved in to the new apartment, I was still researching ROCD and whether my symptoms matched, I was still making phone calls to people I hadnt seen in years asking if they remembered this, etc. etc. did we sleep together, etc. etc. Did I sleep with this person, etc. etc. and as I researched I came upon a website and I started reading the forums and different OCD stories, I became a member, posted my stories and I came into a forum about POCD, I then came into a theme of having cheated on my husband and wondering if I had ever put my son in a position where he had been molested by someone or whether I had even let someone molest him or left him with a molester!!!!!! I couldnt pin point a specific memory but suddenly everyone became a suspect, even if it was someone who I hadnt seen in years, I even came up with thoughts that someone who I knew from high school years had been in the memory when in reality they hadnt, and these were ecspecially troubling to me because I had no way to dissprove this. I was a wreck I was depressed, I couldnt eat and all I wanted to do was sleep, if I wanted evidence of my depression, I lost 15 pounds when I was about 3 months pregnant, give or take, and also when I did the urine testing when I went to my OB gyn office, they found high levels of ketones in my urine which is passically what the body produces when it is starving itself. I could not function or eat, I was ready to die (I wasnt suicidal, but I didnt see how I could go on like this) keep in mind all this while I was pregnant, stay at home mom to my 2 year old son, 60 miles away from all my family, no medication, moved from a house to an apt. I was miserable. Soon my OCD theme shifted a bit and I started wondering if there had been a time that I Had ever molested my son, and it wasnt just past thoughts of what if I had molested my son, I got these thoughts of what if throughout the day I had molested my son when he came near me, if my hand was near him I would wonder: what if I touched him inappropriately. I was his an caregiver so of course I had to bathe and clothe and change his diaper. I could not fathom doing this to my baby boy yet the intrusive thoughts were so strong. I am leaving out a lot of details here, but I just wanted to get the gist of everything on here. So anyway, I began telling family members (mom, aunt, grandma in law husband, this one psychologist) I dont know who said something to CPS (Childrens protective services) but anyway, they came to my door one day and made a plan for me to go with until the investigation was completed that I could not be in the room alone with my son unless with my husband, or another adult. So obviously this complicated things, I was not working, it put stress onmy husband who was working, he became the main caregiver because I could just not do it. It was then that I had a somewhat epiphany that maybe this was just all my OCD, I had been on prozac for a few weeks I believe by this point. But I wasnt healed by any means yet, so things got strained and I ended up having to go live at my moms house, my husband just couldnt deal with my OCD any the questioning, the what ifs, the did I just do this and that, and we both agreed that we didnt want our son taken away. So I went to my moms house, I cant remeber how far pregnant I was, I was maybe 4 months or 5 months. I was so depressed while living at my parents house, being away from my husband and son while pregnant. waiting on my husband to hit the 6 month mark at his work so I could get insurance. Wondering if I had molested my son ever, and the thoughts went on to my moms house where I strained my relationship with her and my step dad because I was worried of having their dog around, I even worried about molesting the dog, lol. And would resort to extreme measures to avoid the dog and avoid triggering my OCD or anything that would cause me intrusive thoughts. I was so pissed at myself because even from 60 miles away I still found away for my OCD to attach to my son, I worried that I was leaving personal info about him by accidentally dropping it or leaving papers with his address and name, age on the internet or somewhere that a pervert could find it and get to him and I would call my husband to check the apartment when they got home. So time goes on, eventually I come back in to the home, I am now taking abilify as well, I am still getting intrusive thoughts and to keep my anxiety in check from thinking I may molest my son while my husband is sleeping, I have him chain me and handcuff me to the bed with stuff we bought from walmart and academy, the handcuffs and chain specifically for this OCD. My husband thought it was insane but I felt it was necessary to protect my son. Keep in mind I was about 7 or 8 months pregnant at this time. So time goes on, I get a job at a fast food place, and my son is still in daycare and I get to a point where I am able to be in the same room with him, intrusive thoughts and all with out fleeing to my husbands side for reassurance. The investigation with CS comes to end to our relief, since my second sons birth was nearing, and they cleared me of the charges,although the investigation wasnt very thorough or invasive, but also because I Had seen the psychologist from the beginning with my ROCD (one time) and I had started calling her on the side to tell her about the new thing I was dealing with the POCD, and she would counsel me over the phone even though I wouldnt make the appt. with her. I couldnt it was 150 per visit! She sent a letter to the CPS workers stating that I had OCD and this form of OCD is known and she is not a danger to her son, etc. To this day I am still not clear who called CPS on me, but I dont really care anymore. I needed that break away from my son, because it was torture getting the thoughts and being around him thinking I had hurt him, plus he was not getting the care he needed from me since I was so depressed. Anyways, time goes on, I am nervous about having my son, because well its birth, but not just that, because I was worried I woud get the same thoughts with him. Skipping everything in btw, I give birth to my second son, and im feeling ecstatic and happy, euphoric because of the birth and bringing his life in to the world. Even though it was not needed I requested a Norco pill every so hours when they would give it just because I wanted to I guess get a little buzz!! LOL. So there was one night that I was holding him and I started getting the intrusive thoughts (I think I was in the hospital after the birth 3 days) and I was on the Norco pills and I hadnt slept for the day yet, and I was getting really tired, I question to this day what if I acted on my thoughts (they were my typical POCD themed thoughts) even though I dont remeber doing that and I remeber once I got the thoughts that I put him in his bassinet and rolled him back to the nursery so that I could get some sleep and seperate myself from causing anymore anxiety. Also he was in the nursery since he had a bit of jaundice and when he was born he was really quiet and didnt cry i think because of the medication I was on, so they monitored him for that. anywho, that stickes with me to this day I question what if. Then after I had him, my OCD got so much better, I was able to lay on the couch again with my kids and hold them with out my husband being in the room, I could change and bathe them, etc. Dont get me wrong, I still got the intrusive thoughts, but they didnt stick in my mind like before. so as time goes on, im feeling better about everything and I start making a few friends in the new city im in and I started hanging out with them and drinking, then I would go home, but I would stay out late. This wasnt everynight but it was maybe 2 or 3 times a week after the kids would go to bed. Not that I really have major ROCD or POCD going on, I am at a point again where it bothers me sometimes and takes the breath out of me, thinking what if I cheated on my husband on of these time when I was drunk, because there were a few times I was really drunk, even though I hung out and drank at the friends home, and there was onky a few people there, or what if I molested my child that time iin the hospital or worrying every now and then when I get strong intrusive thought what if I did do this in appropriately at this time, etc. (Any thoughts on the ROCD on cheating on my husband while drinking or the POCD from the hospital would be helpful but please dont say anything to trigger my OCD bad like: Well you shouldnt have done this, I know I shouldnt have taken my moments of happiness from not feeling depressed from my OCD for granted and went out and had some drinks with friends or what not.) Anyways, the place I am at right now is I feel good about my life, I am a full time mom, and once my husband gets home I go to work until the AM so I work full time as well. I am on and off my Prozac and no longer taking the abilify (because I am worried about the credibility and research on the medicine/online reviews) any thoughts on that medication would be helpful as well. But for the most part I am happy, I feel extremely guilty for the intrusive thoughts I do get now and from having put my family through so much in the past, I basically consider my self in recovery from OCD, and I know this is an ongoing process that will probablylast my whole life, I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I still feel extreme guilt and sometimes the need to ask people for reassurance about past events, and I am trying to resist but I am wanting to do it, but Im not sure at this point. So, this is where I currently am, any thoughts on the OCD Ive dealt with or someone who is going through the same or similiar issues would be great. I am thinking about going back in to therapy. but I am afraid that I may get CPS called again, so I will need to look for someone who deals specifically with OCD although I beieve the only person nearby is over 50 miles away...Thanks for reading! If anyone has any questions to ask who is currently dealing with the same thing, feel free to PM me.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write your story, and goodness, I'm so glad things are more balanced for you now. Although being a fulltime mom and having a fulltime job seems like quite a juggling act, credit to you for managing that so well.