HELP! POCD is taking over my life!

I need help. Im 16 years old and I think that I have POCD. I am constantly scared about being a pedophile and having pedophilic thoughts. Every time I see a young girl I get these strong emotions: Sad, Disgust at myself, and somewhat arousal at the same time. I am constantly testing myself by looking at pictures of kids and testing whether I am aroused or not. I am also constantly googling my situation to find similarities and differences between me and pedophiles. I hate the feelings Im having, I feel as if my entire life is ruined because of these feelings.

I also watch loli, which does arouse me somewhat more than regular porn. Yet I feel terrible after looking at it and try to watch other, adult porn to prove to myself that I do actually feel more attracted to adults than kids.

Now in public I notice little girls more often and try to avoid looking at them, which is very difficult. And then when I do look at them I feel terrible.

I don't want to feel this way. It feels like some outside force is pushing me, almost like I'm possessed.

Anybody have any advice? Is this POCD? I really need some help. This is litteraly ruining my life.

Hi zakwak,

There are some awesome people on this site who can help you and thought I'm new to all of this, I'll try my best to assist you here.

Your emotions instantly say that you are NOT a pedophile. Pedophiles don't mind these thoughts and actually welcome them; you are repulsed by them meaning that deep down it's not you. The arousal is caused by the anxiety, that's all. Testing in the short-term can help but in reality all you are doing is feeding the OCD by giving it more 'content' and ideas to latch on to. I know it's extremely hard not to do this but the sooner you accept them for being nothing but anxiety-driven thoughts and that they are NOT you the better.

As for watching 'loli', this is sexualised content so it's not uncommon to get aroused by this. Note that it's FANTASY, though, and not real. It's a different 'world' so to speak so don't beat yourself up on this one.

You have my assurance that I can completely understand how you feel; I feel like this right now but deep down I know it's the anxiety. I'm sure many, many people here will give you similar advice to what I have. You aren't alone in this and be assured that this IS the OCD and NOT you.

I hope this is of some comfort to you, bud. Take care and remember that talking about it is a sure-sign that you're not what you think you are.

Best wishes,
Steve. =)

Yes, I am fully in agreement with Steve. OCD is just misfirings of your brain. The thoughts are not part of your logic brain and don't relate to who you are at all. You want to claim the thoughts as though they are just like normal thoughts. You think they must be saying something about your identity. That is enough to generate a lot of anxiety. The trick is to accept the thoughts without this anxiety. Welcome the thoughts and just attribute them correctly to random OCD wiring. Some people add a ridiculing name to the thoughts as a tool to discredit them.

But what about the fact that I enjoy watching loli more than regular porn? And that I get off way faster watching loli than watching regular porn? Are these symptoms of OCD as well? Because every time I watch loli, I get off from it and want to watch it really badly, but then afterwards I feel terrible!

Also I ordered the book "The Imp of the Mind: Exploring the Silent Epidemic of Obsessive Bad Thoughts" by Dr. Lee Baer. Has anybody read this? Do you recommend it?

Thank you for the support,
Zak

I don't know about 'loli', but s_kearns wrote that it's sexualised, so I bet that most males, of any age, watching it, would have similar feelings to you. I think that sexual feeling is sort of free floating, and waiting for an opportunity to attach itself to anything that has the slightest sexual connotation attached to it.

As others have said, (and I agree), anxiety can do some strange things, including making you feel aroused when you really, really do not want to be. A bit like the idea that being ordered not to think about a pink elephant will make you immediately think about a pink elephant.

People with ocd obsess about many things, and this is a common theme. Like you, I've thought, "I don't want to get turned on by............" (Whatever it is, and there have been many things!), and then, of course, I have been. It meant nothing; here I am, many years later, with those worries not exactly a distant memory, but certainly reduced to a thousandth of what they were.

Oddly enough, thinking, "Maybe I am.....", then, "Well, so what, I can't help it, and I'll never act on it." has calmed me right down in the past, and let me realise that I wasn't whatever it was that I was worrying about. Thinking, "Oh, no! I mustn't be!", is the surest way to convince yourself that you are. Just think, "Oh, cobblers to it!", and give it time. Your obsession and fear will calm down. I said in another thread that one author I read wrote that he would absolutely trust his children with someone with ocd, because he knew that that person would be completely safe with them, and take extremely good care of them.

One last question:

I have been reading "The Imp of the Mind" by Lee Baer. He said in it that one way you know that they are only thoughts is the fact that you have never acted on them. But does watching porn that involves cartoon images of children count as acting on the thoughts? Because I constantly have the urge to look up lolicon, but alot of times I do. Is this a sign that its not just OCD but really pedophilia?

Thank you
Zak

Zakwak, have a look at the thread on this page, entitled "Great guru for ocd - Fred Penzel.", and click on the link. There are about 3 pages when you look at the linked advice, so you may find something in there to help you. Consider trying to get the books that margharris and I have recommended, too.

s_kearns2 wrote:Hi zakwak,

Pedophiles don't mind these thoughts and actually welcome them; you are repulsed by them meaning that deep down it's not you.

You are very wrong about this and it makes me sad that people think this way. I'm a pedophile and I discovered it around the age of 14, and it has pretty much destroyed my life. Pedophiles live with a lot of shame and disgust, suicidal thoughts, depression, because it's awful discovering that you have such an attraction. It's like being imprisoned in a head and a body you don't want to be in.

bettertimes, I wrote you a little message of support, in the thread entitled, 'POCD? Please help.' I just wanted you to see it. All the best, from funky.

zakwak, I hope that you find that reassurance, to back up what everyone here has said, that you have ocd, and nothing more.

*edited for utter irrelevance*