Going insane, want it all to end

Here's my story:

For about seven months now I been suffering froma major ocd overload. I've had some minor ocd all my life, but since it never bothered me in the past and no one really took note of it I was left untreated for years. In highschool I had a minor fear of germs, I couldn't use the bathrooms at school or any public washrooms, even now I still can't. And even at home I wash the toilet seat until I decide that it's properly cleaned enough for me to sit down without catching anything. And if there is any backsplash my I freak out. I can't touch certain things without the use of gloves. But that is all minor. I can live with that. i have for five years now.

But the OCD that has changed my life and me as a person in general is when my ROCD got worst, and as that got better my HOCD decided to make itself known. I realised I was on the opposite side of ROCD my entire eight year relationship with my boyfriend. I was extremely overly jealous to the point that I didn;t even like him talking to the women he worked with, if he didn't answer my texts right away I thought he was with another woman cheating on me. If we were watching a show or movie that had a naked woman in it, I would flip out when he was looking at the woman.

But that all changed in November of 2011. When the thoughts switched, suddenly out of the blue one night I'm thinking he wasn't attractive. And this is silly. Because out of everyone I knew, I thought I had the most attractive boyfriend of the bunch (Plus to be looks were only a bonus to the personality and such) and I was happy. I questioned my attraction to the opposite sex entirely. thinking maybe i was gay. Did I really love him?

These weren't the only thoughts. I even had some fears of POCD as well. While watching an episode of Criminal minds one night during an ep of pedofiles I suddenly thought what if I was attracted to that child, what if I would do something sexual to that child? And I froze and fear filled me and I had to turn it off. I avoided the show for weeks, it isn;t until recently that I've managed to watch the show again. I even feared having children because what if I got these thoughts during breast feeding. Would I do something to my own child?

These thoughts weren't so bad though.

My ROCD got so bad that I ended up pacing, pulling my hair, banging my head against pillows demanding to know what the heck was going on. Why was this happening? Why weren't these thoughts going away?

And i'm normally a very emotional woman I have always carried my heart on my sleeve. But suddenly I could not cry. I couldn;t cry at the thought of loosing my boyfriend when in the past I could. So that must have meant the thoughts were true. I couldn;t even look at our old pictures, questioning myself if I was ever really happy, all the moments we spent together in the past, was it all a lie, was I faking the entire time? All these thoughts were rushing through my head never ending.

I finally got on medication. Effexor XR. The thoughts were still there but slowly my reaction to them lessened to the point that I could train myself to try and accept the thoughts. Live with them. Get by with them. And it actually started to work, sure they pop up but it's helping. BUT that's when the backdoor spike hit me, if I didn't have anxiety over it anymore then I must have been in denial.

I went through even asking myself whether or not this was truly ocd over and over. I acted myself and many others that question. Finding myself not alone with this, since there seemed to be hundreds of people who were asking and wondering the same thing. if they really had ocd or was it really them.

Eventually I got around the backdoor spike and started feeling great. i was happy. I was giving advice to others about how i managed to get through it. I was happy with myself.

But just as I was getting happy....HOCD strikes.

But I soon came to realise the thoughts...the thoughts were all about a woman I knew in my past. A woman I was close too and loved like a sister I trusted her more then any other person in the world. I knew her ever since we were seven years old. I was close to her, I enjoyed hugging her. I was happy when I saw her. And for some reason people wondered if I was gay for this reason and I guess my ocd latched onto that for really all my life I only ever liked guys.

Then like some people, I had a same-sex experience when I was very young. If you can call it much of one. We always kept fully dressed. We kissed a few times, we held each others hands, we sat close to each other when we watched movies. We played with each others breasts. But we always kept out shirts on. We never did anything below the waist.

Some time after that I had gotten with my boyfriend. And this girl and I stopped being friends when we had a fight and she joined a group where a girl harassed me and tormented me for years so my doctor believes I have post tramatic stress because of them since I honestly have a fear of going outside and living in my own city afraid of running into them. And I believe thats why I can't forget the,m and the girl.

But I had accepted I was bi-sexual. When I still only ever noticed men.

All my life, the person I thought I would end up with was a man. I would marry a man. And have kids with him. And for years I thought I would end up marrying my boyfriend and some part of me still hopes that I do end up marrying him and start a family like the times we discuss it. When I imagined the future, it was him and I finding a house, going on trips around the world.

Even when I looked at other men over the years, if they were cute and really nice, I would get the fleeting thought of what would it be like to date them, I NEVER thought of this while looking at another woman. But my OCD is throwing "What if's..." and "Are you really sure..." thoughts at me. Making it all seem real.

I even realised I had a tendency to watch lesbian porn because I didn't really like to what a man shove his penis into a woman's mouth and have her choke on it. And I looked online and found alot of women who like lesbian porn because its more sensual and all about the womans pleasure and thats what they liked. And some like myself, don't really like looking at a man below the waist?

Does that mean I'm gay if I don't like the look of a man's pensis? These straight women I talked too didn't think so. They didn't think it was all attractive as well.

I even had some gay sex fantasies in the past but they were only fleeting.

But this HOCD article I read said it's healthy to have those, that all straight people from time to time think of it. Because it's considered taboo thoughts. But because I have ocd I worry more about it meaning something else then just thinking it's normal.

I mean, I've found girls pretty, yes, but it's only human to notice how attractive a person is right? Even my straight boyfriend can say if a man is good looking or not but he doesn't worry about it meaning anything. He knows he's straight and doesn't let his thoughts control him. I even called my friends pretty in the past. Or a celebrity on tv I judge their looks.

But my mind keeps going back to that one girl and what went on. I know its the past and I;m not the only one that does this sort of thing and I should know what happened happened and let it go. But my brain wont let me. When I see a woman my mind says, pretty, but I use to just let that go, now my mind tells me what if I would like to kiss this woman, have sex with her.

I'm honestly not in denial. I'm not afraid of what others would think of me. I'm really accepting of gay rights and everything. Be with whoever you choose to be with. Be yourself.

But my brain says "Oh, you're just telling yourself that because you don't want to know the truth"

I even thought "What if I'm really gay, and my ocd made me think I was straight my whole life"

that made me spike. As did thinking I had a brain tumor and that if it was removed I would see i;m really gay.

I don't want to be gay. I want to be with my boyfriend.

But my brain is telling me otherwise.

I don't know whats real and what isn't.

I keep trying to think of past intimate moments with my boyfriend, questioning whether I really enjoyed those moments, was i really aroused? I'm scared to have sex now, afraid of these thoughts, once this thought popped into my mind, "Grin and bare it, pretend he's a woman"

I hate this!

How can I be gay? When I've never had a crush on a woman. All my crushes, celebrity and all were guys. My first crush was when I was four years old and it for years was on A.J from the backstreet boys and then on Orlando Bloom.

I keep worrying and obsessing about how long I will have to live with this. Will I ever get better? What will happen as I get older, with old age will it better worst?

I even looked back to my childhood and was shocked to have seen I had some sexual obsesisons back then when no child should.

I'm so lost.

I don't know whats real and what isn't anymore

I don't know if I can completely grasp your situation, and I don't know how much I can help.

Medications are often just a temporary solution. Sadly psychiatrists are medical doctors who prescribe pills. They don't know how to treat a problem any other way. In the best of worlds we would use pills to lessen the pain and to open a door to our real problems.

If you think women is sexually attractive and you feel a need to have sex with them you are bi/homo. But else your not.

I can't speak for everybody, but in my experience most women dislike the look of a penis. Actually most humans does. There aren't many men who likes it either. That's why men look at girl on girl. I don't think many would think it's a turn-on to be chocked by a giant penis, I wouldn't.

There are more factors to a relationship then just sex. For example, I have a hard time picturing myself having sex with someone my own gender. But I could definitely share my life and love with him.

As I said, I'm not sure what you need. I'm sorry, This forum seems to be a bit dead according to time stamps.

I have just visited this forum for the first time. My son had a very serious bout of OCD that took over his life for many years. He is in recovery at the moment and is doing well on Luvox.
What I do know about OCD is that it always attacks those things that seem to make us most anxious. Those taboo subjects like homosexuality and rape. If you have one of those thought then it is an instant dismiss. It is the old OCD thoughts just coming in for a visit. They will stay around if you are anxious. You can let them fester by listening to them. Just blow them out of the water with a good label and attribute approach. This is my harem women's fantasy coming for a visit again. Yes I need a dozen women right now. Talk it up till it sounds absolutely ridiculous. If it comes back again and you need to anticipate it will, then you will be ready with your master plan to knock it on the head immediately. I would stay off the porn till you shore up all these unwanted thoughts.
I recommend Fred Penzel's book as a must have library book for anyone with OCD.
All the best Marg