I shouldn't have told her...(a little long)

Hi guys. I thought maybe a few of you here would be able to understand what I was going through. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Two years ago I was obsessing. I was having horrible, intrusive thoughts. I won't go into detail here. I don't want to trigger anyone. Let's just say my fear was that if I was left alone with a child I would harm them. Keep in mind I'm a female, I don't have a violent bone in my body, my mother is a preschool teacher, I've been around kids my whole life, I'm really gentle with little kids. I'm excellent at talking to them and being patient with them.

But these thoughts weren't going away! Worst yet...I couldn't get in to see my psychiatrist for weeks. It was horrible.

I was hanging out with one of my best friends. I don't always see her, but she's always been very supportive. I told her I was down and I was thinking about dark things. She asked me what kind of things. I shook my head and told her no. She kept asking. she told me I could trust her. And like an idiot, I told her.

I could tell it unnerved her. She has a young daughter. I told her I don't want to hurt a child at all. It's just this irrational fear I have. I know so many kids have been brutally abused, and it's so easy to abuse a child if someone really wants to. I told her it was just an irrational fear in my head. I could tell she was worried. She asked me if I was babysitting any kids. I told her I hadn't done any babysitting in a while. Not since I was a teenager. I have a full-time job after all. She told me she loved me and she'd pray for me.

I sent her some links online about intrusive thoughts and how people with OCD obsess about things they have ABSOLUTELY NO DESIRE to do.

Perfect examples:

*a woman fears she will get a hold of a gun and shoot up a school or a crowded mall.
*a dog lover fears that one day she will lash out and attack her dogs.
* a man notices how beautiful his teenage daughter is. He starts panicking and worrying that he might one day become aroused and sexually abuse her.

She told me she read the links. She said it did bother her when I told her. But she said she knows I don't want to hurt anyone. She said she would pray for me.

THE GOOD NEWS: I am no longer obsessing about harming a child. I know that is not in me. It is my OCD. If I really truly wanted to hurt a child I would have done it by now.

I obsess about other things. Things that are annoying but not nearly as awful. LOL! Like not finding a good man, my appearance, the fact that I haven't done a whole lot with my life compared to other people.

THE BAD NEWS: I have spoken to my friend about three times in two years. The last time I talked to her was about 8 months ago. She just gave birth to a little boy in December. I've been texting her and calling her about once a month. I didn't even hear about the baby from her. I heard it from her sister when I bumped into her at a fast food restaraunt.

Now please understand: I know she is a busy mom. I do not expect her to drop everything, pick up the phone and talk to me for an hour. That is not what I expect. ALL I WANT was a text to say she was busy but she misses me and hopes I was doing well. That's it! How hard is that?

I finally got so annoyed that I sent her a text: "Hey...I haven't heard from you in a long time. If our friendship is over I understand. I still love ya and wish you well."

It's been a week. I've heard nothing from her. I totally know that I shouldn't have told her. She's a wonderful person and a great friend, but I scared her. I should have saved that for my doctor only. I told the doctor what I did and she told me not to do that again. I agreed.

Why am I bringing this up now? What is my point? I'm not obsessing about hurting a child anymore. But right now I can't stop thinking about the friendship. She was an excellent friend and a really good person. I don't think she hates me. I just know I scared her.

I guess I just feel like a really, really terrible person. I feel rejected. I feel unlovable. I hate being rejected. It's a horrible feeling, and I never thought I would be rejected by her. It's one thing to lose contact with her. But to cut off someone? It just hurts.

Please tell me: Am I a really bad person? It's just my OCD, right? And hey...lesson learned! I can tell my friends I'm having trouble. But I will never again go into such detail like that. I don't want to scare anyone else. I will save it for the professionals.

Do you guys think I am a bad person based on what you read? I feel so unlovable right now...

I don't think you're a bad person at all, you have OCD, a disorder and that has nothing to do with who you actually are.Those who don't have OCD have a hard time really understanding how it affects us. I'm sure your friend trusts you and doesn't see you in a bad way, she may just not understand completely.

Thank you, Ricky. I appreciate your support.

The good thing is that I am not obsessing about that anymore. I am obsessing about friendships and finding a good man, which sucks of course. But at least the children obsession is gone. Those were terrible!