Member with Pure-O. Doubting myself. Please help me.

I am *age removed by Mod* years old and am pretty sure I have POCD.I've always liked playing with kids and whatnot. You know, pretty normal stuff. But a few years ago, I started fearing. I thought I was one (even the word itself disgusts me) until I started realizing that it wasn't an attraction, but a fear.

I finally found out about Pure-O about a month ago and my fears were lessened a lot. While the symptoms matched mine almost to a T, over time I've started thinking about a pretty terrible thing I did when I was six and the time I masturbated in a school bathroom shortly after discovering masturbation. I have felt extreme guilt and shame about these things for years and am thinking that those might be signs that I truly am messed up and that it's not POCD.

I have taken multiple Pure-O tests and the results show me that I have a high-moderate chance of havibg it, but how can I be sure? I can't talk to anyone about this. Not my parents or doctor. We don't have money to get me help.

Not to mention that I saw an article saying that symptoms of IT (not the OCD, the other thing) included avoidant personality disorder and low self esteem. Which I seem to have.

I am so afraid right now. I have never ever felt such disgust with myself, and it's at the worst possible time, too.

My cousin (who is like a sister to me) is soon having a baby. Everyone's talking about the baby and asking me about how I feel about it. It's really scary for me, and even though I've read that people with Pure-O don't act on fears because they avoid the things they fear, I can't avoid things because they are in my life.

Please, please help me understand. I am so goddamned paranoid about this, you have no idea.

Thank you, god bless.

Anybody?

I know what u are going through but you are for sure pocd I can see it, it's lie me people keep telling me I have severe OCD but I can't see it since I'm so wrapped up in it.

Hello,

I don't have POCD, but I do have some Pure-O obsessions along with standard OCD. So I can definitely relate to having intrusive thoughts and feeling completely controlled by them. It's a very scary thing. The good thing is that you realize that what you're feeling is a fear, not attraction. So, realistically, this is totally the product of an anxiety disorder. It's not really you or your desires propelling you forward. You don't have to feel like you're a bad person for having these thoughts. Most likely, you'll never carry out anxiety-provoking these thoughts, they're just that--fears. So, I think that's what you should start by reminding yourself.

Children experiment and as we're growing up, we do what seem like some pretty strange things later on as we're aging. So, whatever this 'terrible' thing you did, it probably was just a method of childhood exploration or mimicking adults. Masturbating in a public bathroom is also not a crime and something that a lot of people would find acceptable even. The fact that you have guilt and shame over these things show that your moral compass is working (even if it's in overdrive). To put it lightly, you don't sound like a sadistic pervert to me. You're clearly someone suffering from intrusive obsessions that are driving you to paranoia and guilt about your personality which are subsequently controlling your life.

Are you in school? If you are, there is almost always access to some type of mental health counselling. It may be terrifying, but in the end, it's always worth it. Revealing to someone (usually it's safer to reveal it to a professional when your obsessions deal with these kinds of topics) can help tremendously and is a good step to be on your way to maintain your disorder.

I'm not sure where you live or what gender you are, but there may be other free or cheap psychological counselling within your community. There are probably even accessible support groups. The problem is that you have to commit to wanting to deal with this and to do that you have to admit, out loud, that it's happening.

I've been in therapy for OCD, and really the goal you're going to try to reach is not to ultimately ever have these type of thoughts because, things happen, stuff goes through are mind that we can't control. The goal is to not be driven to obsess over the answer. Am I really a bad person? Would I really do that? You need to work on self-affirmation and rationalize every irrational anxiety-driven thought and impulse. I know this is extremely difficult, but that's the bottom line. Obviously, psychiatric/psychological help would be the most beneficial option.

If you really don't have access to any help within your community, you might want to Google ERP and CBT. These are the two therapeutic methods mainly used when treating any kind of OCD.

Good luck.