Kind of Scared. What Should I Do Now?

All my life, I suspected that I had some kind of obsessive compulsive/anxiety disorder because of the irrational fears that I sometimes let control my life. One night when I was nine, I became worried to the point of physical illness (vomiting) because I was afraid that my mom would die in an accident because I forgot to say goodbye to her before she went to work that night. Later that summer, I read an article about a young girl who died from a heart attack (because she had a prior condition), and I was afraid that I would have a heart attack, too. In fact, I avoided making long-term plans because I was sure that I would die from a heart attack before the summer was over. When I was thirteen, I became afraid that I would kill myself. I didn't WANT to kill myself, but I had a fear that I would lose control and do it on an impulse, and there would be nothing that anyone could do to save me. I knew that if I got around a razor or a knife, I might slit my wrists, die, go to hell, and there would be nothing I could do to stop it--therefore, I avoided sharp objects for several months, until those term plans because I thought that--at the age of nine-- I would be dead from said heart attack by the end of the summer. From the ages of 13 to 15, I had other obsessions. For awhile, I also feared that I was gay. Despite the fact that I have always been attracted to men (and men only), there was still that thought of "Well, what if I'm not really straight? What if it's all a lie because that's how I really want to be?" Though that obsession was brief (occuring for about two or three weeks at a time), I have had it occur about four or five times in the last eight years. But when I was fifteen, my worse obsession happened. I was afraid that I was a psychopath and might kill (not harm--KILL) my mother or another member of my family. I spent so much time ruminating, trying to convince myself that I was a compassionate person and reminding myself of all the good deeds that I had performed, but nothing seemed to help. Eventually, after I went back to school at the end of the summer, those violent thoughts went away and I later laughed about them as I went on with "normal" life. In the past seven years since that scary episode, I have had other mini-obsessive moments that have lasted from a few hours to days at time. For example, watching an episode of Intervention about huffing made me paranoid around my can of computer duster for about 24 hours--like I would impulsively pick it up and start huffing on it. I was also freaked that I would start pulling my hair out after talking to a girl with trichotillomania, or that I would bite off a finger (long story lol) after reading about a girl that unintentionally harmed herself because she could not feel pain. Though the obsessions caused extreme anxiety for hours/days, nothing has been as bad as my most recent episode.

Currently, I'm afraid of being a psychopath again. I know how ridiculous it sounds, given that I've never suffered or dished out any abuse and am normally a compassionate person...but my fear is very real and taking over my life. It started back on the 12th of February with an intrusive thought of killing my mother, and after suffering for about a week, I voluntarily checked myself into a psychiatric hospital. The psychiatrist there told me that I most likely had OCD without overt compulsions (also known as Pure O), and that my intrusive thoughts of murder would go away with time. From that hospital, I was transferred to another private hospital and then to the state mental institution, culminating in a total of three weeks of hospitalization. I got out of the hospital on the 14th of March, and I had two weeks without any obsessions or intrusive thoughts. But two days ago on the 28th, they returned again. As silly as it sounds (even to me), I'm afraid that I'm going to impulsively kill my mother and go to prison (and then hell) for the rest of my life. Having these thoughts for the past month has really caused me to question who I am as person. Maybe the Dr. was wrong about the OCD thing and I really am a psycho. Maybe these thoughts are going to keep plaguing me until I actually commit the act---which I know I never would--or until I isolate myself from everyone else so that I won't cause any harm. It's just so hard, and I don't know what to do now.

I think that going back to the hospital would be completely useless because I didn't get anything out of my stays--if only a brief respite from the anxiety. Before, the nurses and doctors would observe me, see that I was not having any violent outbursts and was interacting well with the other patients (even consoling some of the younger patients who were scared), and they would end up asking me "So...what are you doing here again?" The psychiatrist at the state mental hospital came right out and told me "You are not crazy, and you don't belong here." He suggested outpatient behavioral therapy. But I keep wondering if he might be wrong, even though I have been a high-functioning, morally upstanding person for 21 years of my life. The fear just won't go away, and it is crippling. Should I chance another stay in the hospital, or should I just hang in there until I can get an appointment with a therapist for cognitive behavior therapy (which I'm hoping will work)? Thanks in advance for any replies.

Hi Goldiebee19!

How are you doing?
I'm really sorry you haven't received a response yet.
*hugs* and welcome!

Intrusive thoughts are a nightmare...I can def relate to your fear of being a psychopath. For me, I think the fear stemmed from the emotional abuse and rejection I experienced growing up. I internalized the mistreatment and came to the "logical" conclusion that there was something bad in me that repelled people and made them cruel to me. Intrusive violent images still flicker in my brain all the time, but I've learned to ignore them and just let them wash over me.
Outpatient therapy seems like a good idea. How long will you have to wait?

*warm hugs*
It sounds like you've been through a lot and I feel with you.

Well wishes,

Evol