Guilt obsession.

I don't have a therapist and don't really want to talk about therapy right now.

I understand that some "healthy" individuals start off with guilt about things like drug use or alcohol or feeling sexual attraction to someone or other "bad" things that we're told not to do as children. Most people, however, get over it. They just rationalize and logic their way through it and then they can do those things without any pain. What's frustrating for me is that no matter how many times I do these thins, the guilt never goes away. Ever.

I signed this contract in elementary school for D.A.R.E. saying that I'd never do drugs or smoke or drink alcohol. For some reason, I didn't understand that I was the only person who took this thing seriously. The reward for signing this was getting to go to the dance at the end of the year. I'm actually angry at the other students at my school for signing the thing just to get a dance and then turning around and starting to drink and/or use drugs early in high school (or even middle school). I didn't try anything of the sort until I was eighteen and generally I find drinking and drug culture to be really vapid and boring. I'm sure there are individuals within it who are cool (and I know some) but overall the concept just annoys me. I don't like making a group activity out of numbing one's brain or trying to distort reality in a way that makes South Park funnier. It's already scary enough for me to try to be social with others when I DO have complete control, so when I'm losing control on some substance it kills my chances of having a good time.

I can't understand how this doesn't bother other people. Don't they care that they signed those D.A.R.E. pledges? Don't they care that their parents might not approve of it? Don't they spend time imagining what kind of higher power might exist and hate them for it? Why do most people just seem totally spared of the guilt that has defined my entire life and refuses to go away no matter what kind of therapy/friendship support/etc I get?

Last night I did something and I did it because I had this stupid idea of "if I just do enough *bad* things that go against my OCD-induced moral values, I'll realize I've fallen from my ideal and then I'll just give up and stop suffering over this." It didn't work. Instead, I have the same values but just feel like an idiot for not listening to myself.

I end up in this horrible catch 22 wherein if I don't drink/drug/etc, I feel like a coward who isn't "adult" and isn't "brave" enough to withstand how uncomfortable the experience is. If I do, I feel like a pathetic amoral piece of $#%^ who does things I don't agree with ethically just to fit in. I can't feel okay as long as this concept and this choice even exists. Ugh.

Hi spiralthorns,

Choosing not to do drugs or drink alcohol certainly doesn't make you a "coward" or less of an adult. Quite the opposite, having strong morals and knowng yourself well enough to make choices that are best for you is a mark of maturity.
It sounds like trying something actually wound up being a good thing for you as it has validated your beliefs that drugs and alcohol are not for you.

Many well wishes,

Evol