Been going through a "relapse"...

I used a message board for some sexual roleplay recently. I'm not proud of it, but there it is. I ended up quitting after a couple of posts back and forth simply because, although my partner said she was 18 (as am I), I began to wonder if she was actually underage, ergo I'm a sexual predator, ergo I'm a rapist corroding someone's sexual, emotional being etc. I explained to her in a message that I couldn't continue because of my anxiety, and she hasn't responded to the message or been on the site in a few days, which is making me feel like she may have committed suicide. Yippee. I know more about OCD than I did last time I went through something like this, so I'm not "feeding the beast" by compulsively seeking reassurance, but living with uncertainty is obviously a challenge unto itself.

On a positive note, haven't had many intrusive violent thoughts lately- I think taking Buspar might have something to do with that.

Oh, it sounds like you're having a bit of a rough time. I'm sure she's not underage and that she's absolutely fine though.
Yay for Buspar!

Thanks for responding-She started posting again, so I'm pretty sure she didn't commit suicide.
Now I'm looking through old photographs of me and my friends to make sure that I never sexually assaulted anyone. Arrrrgh I don't know what to do.

Are you saying you're worried that this girl could have been someone you knew before? Did you two ever actually meet in real life or just online? Teenagers have cybersex in online RPG's all the time; they're just computer games. Are you afraid it might tempt you to do something predatory, like stalking someone IRL, or does it just make you feel dirty?

This was a purely online, predominantly anonymous encounter. I wasn't really worried about what it might tempt me to do, more the fact that I may have been engaging with someone who was under eighteen, which my mind uses as a slippery slope to "You're a predator/rapist/etc."

I actually made headway with this after my therapist appointment yesterday, until I remembered in middle school that I was known for giving my friends hugs, which led them to sometimes joke about me being a "molester", which led me right back down the same path of "predator obsession".

You're not a predator, you haven't done anything terrible.

I know just what you mean that stuff freaks me out also but you stopped man and thats what counts, If she had her drivers license, birth certificate and a witness all in a picture that could verify that she was under 18 you legally with out a doubt knew she was under 18 then maybe you should feel weirded out but dont man for all you know it could a thirty year old supermodel or jessica alba, glad to hear that your intrusive thoughts are going down, its weird for me at least because when I take my meds I dont worry about my intrusive thoughts but there still present, its a very weird phenomenon, but hey give yourself a break man this stuff is really hard to deal with but your doing the right thing by talking about it