Have Pure O OCD dealing with harm and suicide

Hey Guys - I'm brand spankin new to this website and I'd love to talk to you guys and see if anyone is in the same boat as I am. This'll probably be kind of long because this is my first time and I'd like to get everything out on the table. First, I'm a 25 year old female who's never been through anything traumatic or awful in my life. I've had Pure O for about 7 or 8 years now. My obsessions usually vary but they all center around harming someone else (usually someone I love) or harming/killing myself. I've never been violent, never been in a fight, can't watch scary movies, and am a very loving person. I fortunately don't suffer from depression but I do have GAD, OCD, and a mild form of body dysmorphic disorder.
My most recent spike has been about killing myself. I'm always scared that I'm going to lose control or feel SO down that I'll think that that's the only choice I have. And I feel like I have to fight with my own thoughts. My mind will say, "Go get yourself a gun", or "you just need to die", or "just die, DO IT", etc. Anything can trigger it. Even if it has nothing to do with anything. Something will just pop into my head and start my worrying and obsession. I also get upset that I'm a schizo and I'll start to hear voices or something. Let me clarify, I don't hear voices, it's all thoughts, not voices. And I've even gotten to the point of even fighting with the thoughts. I just let them come and I sit there and panic and get super freaked out and I get crazy impulses to go and kill myself. I'm NOT suicidal and I'm not depressed. My life is not awful and I don't hate it. My life is great and I"m very happy (except for the OCD).
I'm going to therapy and I just upped my dosage of Pexeva (which I will talk about soon). I also just quit smoking, don't drink soda or caffeine, exercise and eat relatively well. I was watching a show on Bio about comedians who've died and a bunch of them killed themselves and that REALLY sent me into a frenzy. I end up looking up the actor online and read about them and find out why they killed themselves and if I can relate at all to their situation and wonder if I could end up doing the same thing. In the end, it really doesn't help me at all, it just makes it worse. The chronic worrying is something that really exaggerates the OCD because you just continuously worry about EVERYTHING.
I also used to do the same thing when I was obsessing about killing my family. I used to look up serial killers and read all about them and wonder why and how they turned out that way and if I related to their up bringing or feelings. I've researched so much and learned so much in therapy and it's still SO hard to "just accept" these thoughts. It's easier said than done. How can anyone accept thoughts about killing yourself or someone you love? It's weird because when the OCD is bad, I feel TOTALLY not myself. Like I'm a different person. Then it's like a switch turns off and I'm totally fine again.
What I read, and what does make me feel better is that people with obsessive thoughts, impulses, images NEVER act on their thoughts, EVER. The thoughts that we have are so against our beliefs that no matter how strong the thoughts, images, impulses, we wont ever act on them. We just deal with them and sit through them until they go away. Some of us have been going through these things for years and nothing has ever happened so look at that as something positive.
One of the best things to do for yourself is to talk about it, whether its to a family member, friend, or therapist. Make sure you talk to someone who has the most understanding because a lot of people don't understand people with out disorder and they immediately get worried and that makes US worse because we get worried that they're worried. If you're someone who doesn't want to go on meds (I was one of those people for a VERY long time), then at least go to a therapist or buy a book specializing in Pure O and read about cognitive behavior therapy and learn how to cope with your OCD. I'm definitely not 100% ok - I'm a LONG way away but I'm working on it and I refuse to let this $#%^ beat me. My life is perfect besides this OCD and i can't let it bring me down. I'm sure tomorrow morning I will wake up with bad anxiety and suicide OCD thoughts but I'll still end up getting through the day, even though I may think I won't be able to, I WILL.
I'm currently on Pexeva which is basically a new form of Paxil without all the side effects. It's one of the most expensive SSRI's out there but it works for me and if you have insurance, I'd recommend it. Remember that all people are different but I've read goof reviews from different people about it and I'm happy with it. Anyway, I'm sorry this is so long. If there's anyone out there with the same obsessions as me, I'd love to hear from you and have you tell me your stories and perhaps things that have worked for you.

That's awful!! I've got OCD too, but not as severe as you. Sometimes I look at the railway and think "It would be horrible if I got an OCD thought that I need to jump on it before a train comes." But I know I will never have such a thought because there is nothing worse to me than dying...so whatever my OCD says will happen if I don't do it, it can't be worse than being hit by a train for example! So I really wonder: what do you think, or rather what does your OCD say, that the consequence will be if you don't kill yourself? That you kill others? But
- if you do, you can also commit suicide when you've actually done it
- I know you won't do it since:

What I read, and what does make me feel better is that people with obsessive thoughts, impulses, images NEVER act on their thoughts, EVER. The thoughts that we have are so against our beliefs that no matter how strong the thoughts, images, impulses, we wont ever act on them.

You are right, because if you were a murderer, you wouldn't seek help for your violent thoughts! Sound logical right? "
But, when you think "I am going to kill someone in my family!" what makes you think you will be able to do it? How has your OCD power over you? I mean, my OCD has power over me because it tellls me that if I don't do my rituals something WORSE than doing my rituals will happen. But thats why I'm confused with your obsessive thoughts. I mean, whats worse than killing someone?

I actually don't have compulsions. What I have is called Pure O OCD so I just purely obsess about things in my head. My chronic worrying just makes everything worse bc I analyze and question everything that I think about so if it's a bad thought, I'll analyze it and my anxiety and OCD will get worse. My OCD just flashes images in my head of me doing something horrible and I just continually ask myself "what if", "what if". And then my thoughts just build on themselves and it gets 10x worse! It's not debilitating and I have a normal job and have a great boyfriend and am in a great relationship and I live in my own apartment and I live a normal life. And my OCD doesn't happen every second of every day. It'll go on for a couple months on and off and then it'll go away for awhile. The last time it went away it was for about 2 years! It was great lol. It seems that whenever I don't have a lot going on in my life, that's when it'll spike. OCD just sucks but I'm determined to beat and I know i'm better than it is.

Oh, I understand it better now. But have you been to a psychiatrist already"? I mean its great that it didnt bother you for two years but maybe medicines can make it go away completely if you fear it would come back. But I'm glad it doesn't influence every area of your life

I have been to a psychiatrist. I'm on Pexeva and I have Xanax in case it gets a little too overwhelming to me. I just recently upped my dosage because I was getting panic attacks on my current dosage. It seems to be working but it's going to take time to be able to tell for sure. I'm glad it doesn't interfere and I also say that it could be worse because it really could. It can ALWAYS be worse. I always want to go on to different forums and see what people are going through with these different disorders but I'm almost afraid to because I'd feel so sad for them. What about your OCD? What kind do you have?

I am glad that you are on medications, and raised the dosage. I hope it will help. It's great that you have so much empathy, but it should not let you stop from visiting these websites if you'd like. You can also share your story about your panic attacks and how medication works for you. I'm sure they will be interested or that you will find others with the same form of anxiety disorder that you have. I don´t really have OCD anymore myself, or rather I used to have OCD that was taking over my life (I used to do pointless rituals like touching things the whole day, I restricted myself doing things I enjoyed and I retyped the things I needed to do for study/work endlessly). Now, two or three times a day I still do silly things like touching the wall in the garage and count to 48 but it doesn´t interfere with my life anymore, due to medicines. i have also learnt that the voice in my head that said I needed to do these things wasnt God and that it had no power over my life (so that if I neglected my ´rituals´, nobody from my family would die, or at least not because of me). I am very happy that medicines and therapy helped for me , but in a way OCD was a way of avoiding my life I guess, because now I´m recovered I feel quite low and I don´t have the discipline to do anything for my study and I feel mostly down. It´s different from the way I felt down when I still had OCD though. When I had OCD I feared everything, even walking accross the street, and I was afraid of losing the things I have. Now I am still afraid of losing the things I have, but not due to some extern forces, but due to who I am.

Hi, I know this post was ages ago but I was feeling low and confused and I came across this. It really helped me so thank you. If you see this and want to talk I'd be more than happy to chat. xx

HI green_roses -

I'm glad my post helped you. You're not alone in whatever you're feeling. Why dont you tell me a little about what you're going through and we can see if we can help each other. Nice to hear from you

I can completely relate to what you describe.

My problems started a couple of months ago, or actually three years ago, when I became slightly obsessed about my heart rhythm (after a panic attack). Anyway, two months ago I watched Lethal Weapons and a sudden fear struck me; "what If I go crazy and kill myself". Soon after I started to get intrusive thoughts, anything can trigger them. My main intrusive thoughts are "what if I jump in front of a train/bus/car/whatever that is big and scary and moving", "what if I jump from my balcony (I live at 5th floor, sometimes I have to stay at my parents house, just two floors)", "what if I cut myself", "what if I crash into ongoing traffic" etc.

Those thoughts are scary and unwanted, but I'm starting to get used to them and they don't bother me so much (they don't cause so much anxiety but they are certainly unpleasant). I've also practiced some exposure therapy (sitting at my balcony, thinking negative thoughts, and happily noticing that I'm not at all considering to jump down).

But what is extremely scary, is the "unwanted automatic thoughts" that sometimes occur. I can't believe how much crap the brain is able to conjure up at times. It can be (unwanted!!) thoughts that "life is not worth living", "maybe I should just jump from a high place", "I don't want to live", and so on. I've never found any evidence that those are intrusive thougts and they really produce a lot of anxiety, doubt and negative emotions. Also, if a friend asks me "what are you doing this weekend, and I answer "hang out with you", my mind sometimes echoes "or hang myself?" Like you, I have huge problems "accepting" these thoughts, as I hate them and they scare the crap out of me. Even if my psychologist says I have nothing to worry about. I've developed a few compulsions; the need to "scream" NO!!! in my mind, the need to constant verify "yes, I want to live", and some kind of seeking of an "guarantee" that I will live a long life and hopefully not die until the age of 85, or thinking "If I can hold my breath for 20 seconds now, it's a sign that I truly want to live". I'm also afraid of major life changes, death of family members, etc. as I'm afraid of getting depressed, for obvious reasons.

I can also relate to what you're saying about feeling like two different persons. When I trust that I want to live, I'm very happy, I feel bliss, my life is a gift. When I doubt, I'm feeling sad and anxious (and I'm afraid that I will hurt myself during that time, though it only lasts a few minutes, sometimes even shorter), but I'm not depressed and my life is otherwise quite perfect. No negative childhood history, caring family and girlfriend, good job, good financial status, etc. I'm taking Zoloft (started three weeks ago). The problem is that my brain seems to "trust" the thoughts and I'm sometimes uncertain if I will live to see next year (which is a very uncomfortable thought). I truly want to live!! I just want my brain to trust that!

And - the endless ruminations sometimes. Yes, I do want to live, but why are these thoughts coming? Am I depressed? (compulsion: taking the Hamilton 17 test and for 500th time find out that I score "no depression"). Are there anything in my life that will make me kill myself? No, but I have a fear that those thoughts sometimes will.. And so on..

afraidofdiseases-

It seems like you and I are feeling many of the same things. We are both lucky that we do not suffer from depression. As I can imagine how hard it must be for those people who do. I'm at a good point in my life (thank goodness) and my anxiety is at a low point. It still creeps in here and there but my medicine has helped tremendously and I'm thankful for that. Hopefully after I master breathing and cognitive behavior therapy and exposure therapy, I won't need meds anymore and I'll be one of the "normal" ones. Although, I do feel a sense of "uniqueness" in my diagnosis. We, having OCD, are typically more sensitive and caring in nature and I like that about myself. There is some light in the dark