sharing my life as a human being

Hello!I'm new here..I'm 20 years old..I just can't keep this to myself anymore,I'll just follow my heart..I always felt I was different from everyone around me..I just want to express myself..I havent confessed to anyone else including my parents..I really think I have OCD.. I first had intrusive thoughts when I was about 9 or 10 years old..It was a really a scary thing coz ideas come into my mind like harming mama mary..and I know that I didnt want to really harm Her..I coudnt sleep because of this..I was a bookworm already at that age because I borrowed a 100 books from our library..I became obsessed with questions that start with "What if".And this questions would always make me feel scared because they always had to do something with death,or reality or my family...I also developed the habit of scratching my hair with a haircomb if I felt it was itchy and I would scratch my hair till all my dandruff fell(even if the itch is already gone).Up until now I get the urge to do this but with less intensity than before..One of the most regretable memories of my childhood was my obsession with peeping..I really feel embarassed and hate sharing this..I would peep at our housemaids while they were taking a bath..I wouldnt stop until they catch me..But I will repeat this the next day and for the next few months..This would lead to me growing up addicted to watching porn..It came to a point that I just couldnt fully concentrate on my studies anymore and this intrusive thoughts/questions would bother me for days or weeks..I couldnt even sleep sometimes for 2 days because I wanted to solve this problems in my head..I found a way of solving my intrusive questions by writing it on a paper..I tried to share my problems to my mother but I was really embarassed and I really told myself that I will handle my problems alone..I thought I was unique..I tried to share it to my brother but he couldnt relate..It affected my personality as well..I became clumsy in most of the things I do..I would become depressed and angry because this taughts and my parents would scold me and I wanted to explain but I cant..I thought that my intrusive thoughts had an ending but thats not the case...I always kept writing..They would go way for a while and I would feel a sign of relief but they would return suddenly like "dont concentrate on playing guitar or else you might not be able to concentrate on the danger lurking around"..but I know there is really no danger..I'll stop for now..I'm in an internet cafe and people have just sitted beside me ..I hope you can relate to my story..

Duplicate post. Original thread: obsessive-compulsive/topic77595.html

Kevin