hi please help again

I tried to stay away again, didnt work as u can see, right a while ago I *******ated like 6 times to a guy I knew and imagined doing stuff but after I felt horrible and ashamed, ive just thought about this now and it created biggest spike ever help!!!! I think I did it just to experiment and it felt good when I did it but afterwards I felt like dying and felt incredibly ashamed, I haven't done it since and I feel like death

AGGGHHH I woke up about 7 times last night saying the words "I'm not bent" "no, no, no I'm straight", it really freaked me out and woke up sweating and panicking, I just want it to disappear!!!

Relax, the fact that it scares you says enough

I can't relax this si life shattering, it could affect me forever

helppppppp

I had HOCD when the vacation started and i had these thoughts that i would totally gay when i went back to school.
After the vacation i returned to school(afcourse) but i wasnt gay i and i never have been.
I even was more "bad-as" then the year before, i am smoking, drinking , getting into fights , trouble etc etc.
So i am the total opposit of girly now.
And before the vacation i was convinced that i would come to school with gay clother, walking gay etc etc. And as i just said it did not happen and it never will.
And My past HOCD is not affecting my current life( it did when i had it), im not judging anyone xor anything, i dont laugh with gay people anymore but i respect them and support them.
So relax.

Ps: do not start getting in fights,smoking, drinking! I recommend you do not do that!
If i could go back i never started smoking and stuff.

Take care

how can I possibly relax?

Try to relax, try to distract yourself.

I do this:
I play video games
I smoke a sigaret with some friend and talk about stupid things
I try to figure out what i will do tommorow to keep on ompretending that i like my classmates
I watch a movie (in your case bad idea , all guys would spike you)
I play some guitar
I listen to music an try to imagine things i like or like how i wish everything was.
Mastrubate XD

Try to distract yourself a little, eat some sugar or chocolate, mastrubate, make jokes, talk to people wich understand you but try to talk about other things asswell(not only abou OCD)

If you realy want to get over this then you need to accept all possibilitys, that you are gay,straight,bi,a girl , a pedo, a hebephile, a old lady lover, a bowl of soup, human, an alien,....
You need to try and think like this: " i dont care what i am, i am myself and i like it"
Then you will be able to get over this

Ps: is SIAD down ?

yes SIAD is down, I was just going to ask that.

And masturbating is good when I'm doing it, I get a high off looking at lesbians (yet other lads watch straight porn-don't get it) but afterwards the thoughts are even worse.

I canno accept it I know I must do to get over it

Calum1995 are u still struggling??