thoughts of being

Hello All. Im new here and this is my second post on psych forums. I believe i have anxiety and a sort of an obsessive compulsive order, and lately i have dwelled on odd thoughts that are starting to take a big chunk of my time. Its an existenial anxiety. Why/How did the odds of me being born a human being, caucasion, male, american, born in the 1990s come out of the incalculable possibilities? How did i manage to come from the parents that i did, the first sperm to hit the egg and wasn't miscarriaged or aborted(It happens. Not that my parents wouldve bailed on me, but then again more math to this). On top of wearing myself out on an unanswerable question, I also feel a guilt-like feeling for being content with all this. I feel like i'm wasting my life or not doing good enough with my relatively priveleged existence. Do normal people ever wonder about this? I dont think getting help is imminent right now, as i have other mind-eaters (see post ; im an abuser) and i am not withdrawing from others. At least not yet. Anyway, feedback or suggestions would be appreciated (It almost soothes me actually.)

Hi, Reserval! Have you tried doing something to keep you busy? Maybe it would help chase these thoughts away or just keep your mind off everything else.
What could it be? Do you have hobbies?

Reserval wrote:I feel like i'm wasting my life or not doing good enough with my relatively priveleged existence. Do normal people ever wonder about this?

I imagine very few adults life their entire lives without ever asking themselves, "What am I doing with my life?" If you were an abuser, as you say, that's probably why you feel guilty about it. Is your abusive behavior under control now? Do you feel you've done some damage you can't repair?

@jazmin. You got me. I don't have much to do. I have little hobbies and am looking for a job. I don't think that will curb my existential crisis. It takes a while to get to sleep thinking about this (where we are not supposed to be preoccupied) Thank you for replying

@Twinkling Butterfly. That may have something to do with it. I sometimes do feel like i was eqipped with all the pleasures and opportunities a human could have and end up violating someone. Anyways, have you, or others ever thought that our priceless lives are also very limited. You are only born one person , in one part of the world, in one era of time. We have no control of where we come from, when we come from, or who we come from, (not that i have any complaints, i don't.) We cannot experience the "fullest" in life because our perspectives are all small. I believe its the OCD talking.

What kind of job would you like to have? Maybe it could still help a little.

Nah, we don't have a choice, but we can still enjoy what we end up with as much as we can. That's all existence really is for any being, I think.

jasmin wrote:What kind of job would you like to have? Maybe it could still help a little.

Nah, we don't have a choice, but we can still enjoy what we end up with as much as we can. That's all existence really is for any being, I think.

I'm 16, so i don't seem to have much choice with where i can work, yet.

Thank you for replying, but i just can't accept the second paragraph answer. There has to be more than that to it. Also, as my first post says its not just that im bored, i, quite frankly, think of myself as a real f***-up.

A real ###$ up at 16? Why do you think of yourself as a ###$ up?

Heh, why does there have to be more than that?

jasmin wrote:A real ###$ up at 16? Why do you think of yourself as a ###$ up?

Heh, why does there have to be more than that?

I think of myself that way because everything ive done has been drastically substandard compared to everyone else. Im barely interested in anything, like a hobby, i really don't enjoy much these days at all. I convinced my sister into perverse situaitons in the past, and i feel deep guilt until shes in front of me screaming at the top of her lungs in a vile rage at my dad. My mom abhors my lack of interest, and is starting to distance herself from me. For starters.

There has to be more than that because life is quite short, and can be wasted or unfufilled without most people realizing it until its too late. I need to know if all people's enjoyment, desires, and interest all comes from their location, the way the were raised, their genes. Because that would make us almost robotic.
I feel as if my life was supposed to be reserved for a more competent, level-headed person.

What kind of situations did you make your sister be part of? Maybe you need to deal with the guilt you feel and try to become a better person, make it up to her. It could help.
It sounds to me like you're depressed. I was too when I was a teenager.

Hey Reserval, existence can be pretty weird if observed closely and non-stop. For example, we are made of atoms, which are the building blocks of molecules, that are fundamental to life... even scientists are baffled by existence... so it's normal to question it.

Are you a thoughtful person? If so, I can relate.

Concerning the "Why/How" inquiries, I think we often ask ourselves hypothetical questions, which do not have answers, because they are raised from supposed scenarios, e.g.--I could not have been born the way I was, but I was. It is important to note that these questions raised beyond your known existence are... well, hypothetical, and they're fun to ask, but when they're distressing it's not so fun...

I'm not sure why you feel you're wasting your life, or that you are not good enough, but I hope you could work through it.

Oh and yeah, normal people do wonder about existence and stuff like that... and existence can be distressing because of the way it's taught in our modern culture... like, psychology says personality can be categorized and behavior predicted, meanwhile the sciences dictate our perspective on the world and universe with theories always subject to revision. Once we're done with school lol all this stuff really gets to ours head.

Also, Butterfly has good points about the abusing and guiltiness.