pocd :(

Hello

I´m 39 years old, a guy, gay, and I´m not english - native speaker, but I hope that you will understand my post
So I really don´t know were to start...well: a few months ago I did my A-levels, it was very stressfull and afterwards
when I passed them, I felt so happy. Then I had to move to another city (I live in a village currently), where
I would be studying at university. I went to my brother who was already studying at the same university - and one
evening when we were watching TV - We saw a documentation about Michael Jackson. Since MJ was accused of having
molested children (which I actually don´t believe) - I had this thought: What if I´m a pedo too? - And in the next moment I knew -
I wouldn´t stop having the same thought, since I realised the more often I think of it, the more often I´m gonna have the same thought.
And so everything started. At the beginning I was hopeing to get rid of that thought. And soon afterwards I startet "checking"
Omg these thoughts were really horrible - and I didn´t feel anything. But now 2 months later "I´m getting this groinal response"
I actually don´t get "a hard one" - but its like a very, very soft straining down there. (I´ve never masturbated on (its so hard to write that^^) children, and I never got a "hard one". With time it went better - I didn´t thought about it often (but I was worrying
a lot of times). Somehow I managed to "zoom" that thoughts out of my head, you know. But then I read that some guys
keep checking and even masturbate on children to see if it would "work" - and they said - they felt asoursel. So I started again to think
that maybe I´m a pedo. If other pocd sufferes go so far and masturbate why wouldn´t I do that in order to be 100% sure? - But I know I couldn´t go that far - it´s a line I don´t want to cross - if you understand what I mean. Some of these guys with pocd actually do have
pocd and they "get off" to the pictures, but scientists say that this is everything about anxiety, the brains reaction generally towards sexual thoughts etc... At this point I should write something about my sexual preferrences: I´ve always been attracted to older guys even when I startet to masturbate (at the age of 13 or 14 i think), and they would always have "more muscles" i you understand what i mean(hunks:)). I have to say, that I always felt unfcomfortable when I was around children, i found them always anoying, and I had always kept some kind of distance towards them. And I actually thought that children don´t like me - I don´t know how to explain it.
But I´ve got a theory, why I would react this way, when I´m around children. I remember when I was 12-15 or maybe younger. My family visited my uncle and my aunt. And I remember of having a good relationship to children before this time. Since I used to play
with my cousins a lot - However, something happend this day (don´t worry it wasn´t anything sexual^^) So my little cousin, she was already able to go be feet, loved swinging. So I would often be swinging on the swing in the garden with her placed on my "thights" ? (I´m not quiet sure if this is the appropriate term - or on my knees") However we were swinging and suddenly I lost my balance, and we feel backwards to the ground - of course at the first moment I was pretty shocked but then she started to cry very loudly and my
aunt came around and was checking her for injurys - my father meanwhile (my father is from ex-yugoslavia - and he is trully an *sshole, he has mentall issues - of that I´m sure and he has been hit by his father frecuently when he was young)
started to get my down (shout at my...) strongly. And I felt so guilty and ashamed so I went down in our room - and hid myselfe
under the bed, and I felt so ashamed and guilty - I think I was even shivering - but I will never forget how much i felt guilty - it was really terrible . My cousin had a little cut on her head. And when the situation calmed down - i went up. My cousin was brought to
hospital were they healed her cut. Afterwards "i had to apologize" to my cousin, my sister was holding her in her arms and I remember
(still being down with my nerves) saying "how could I have hurt her" - and my sister answered: "It´s not your fault - it was just an accident." I´m not a psychologist, but i think that could have been a little trauma? From then on I think i have this "reservation" towards children, and I got the same feeling when I see a pregnant women^^ - which scares me. Sorry - I haven´t finished yet but in Asia it´s 3:00 AM now - and i have to go to bed - I just wanted to know what do you think about it? Thank you

I'm sorry you've had to carry that guilt all these years. I suppose that might explain why you couldn't ignore the fear that you might be a pedophile, if you've always felt guilty about the possibility of hurting a child. Do you think you need to overcome your guilt before you can overcome your fear?

For what it's worth, I was insecure about my sexuality when I was your age. (I suppose I still am sometimes. )