please help, feel like hell

For the past two months I have been incredibly confused over my sexuality! Before these 2 months, I had always liked girls and even had a of girlfriend (not serious btw). I don;t know why these thoughts have passed over me, they are making me feel really guilty and the thought of being gay does not appeal to me, I have always classed myself as straight.

I am extremely worried because these thoughts of whether I'm straight or not are just constantly in my mind, and I hate it, it makes me feel so angry and really worried! It's not like I'm homophobic, I just do not want to be gay, or even bisexual:/

I used to watch gay porn but I don't anymore because afterwards I would feel ashamed, I know only watch lesbian porn (weird or not?). I also used to masturbate to a guy I knew for like a week, 6 months ago but again I used to feel guilty afterwards so I stopped.

I can think about girls and get erections, but I daren't think about guys for if I get one I will get depressed even more. This guilt is eating me up and I am becoming depressed it is the only thing on my mind!!!

Just wondered, I also keep questioning my attraction to girls now (whether I will be in a relationship with a girl when I'm older etc), I think I will be it's just these thoughts are making my mind explode with how much anxiousness they are producing with the thought of me not being striaght. I do want to be straight and I hope I am, can anyone help me, is this hormones and normal for a late blooming teen? or not? Could this all have stemmed from being rejected 6 times in the past 2 years by girls?

I posted on this on virtual teen forum a couple of weeks ago and ot mixed remarks e.g. puberty or hormones. I just got a reply saying look up HOCD on the internet if it is such a big part of your life, I did and came across this site and the things said on the original post are things of which I encounter frequently throughout the day excluding the demonic thoughts. Could I have HOCD because of how the thoughts have affected my life and me worry so much?

Please help, please

Hi, Callum! Well, other guys have come here and talked about how they're worried they might be gay, but it's probably due to OCD. We can't give you a diagnosis on this forum, no one here is a mental health professional, but it sounds a lot like what the others described and they linked it to OCD/HOCD too. Please talk to your doctor and ask them where you can find a good psych to help you with this, if you don't have one already. Don't feel embarrassed, they will have to understand and help you.

I cant go to my doctor, cos I dont want to tell my parents, I feel it could just go cos I sometimes dont think about it

Oh, maybe it will get easier to handle with time then. Let me know how you're doing ok?

Im only 15 surely theyll go away?

Wow. I've never heard of someone 'turning' gay or bisexual in their mid-teens.

If you find females AND males attractive then you are bisexual. The fact you can get aroused at gay porn and lesbian porn is conclusive to me. If that is the case fluctuations in which gender 'dominates' the attraction are possible.

Most importantly just accept whatever you turn out to be because denial will tear you apart. There is no point labelling yourself as something when what you are hasn't even been decided yet by your body.Wanting to avoid being a particular sexuality is not going to do you any good. If you stop seeing being attracted to males as something to avoid you will slowly stop obssessing about it as it simply won't be a big deal anymore in your mind.

Hold on what do you mean when you say convlusive about the gay and lesbian porn?
Btw, when I see males in the street I don't go wow he's nice looking, I only find myself doing that to women.

Also you said you've enver heard anyone turn. Well before these thoughts I always counted myself as the 'perfect' heterosexual and the thought of being gay never crossed my mind, so why is it now? I don't want to be

By 'conclusive' I mean the fact of you watching gay porn (guys only) and lesbian porn (girls only) leads me to understand you can be aroused by the sight/thought of both men and women which is why I come to the conclusion that you are bisexual.

You already know you are attracted to women so the options left are heterosexual and bisexual. Unless you stop being attracted to women being 'gay' isn't on the list.

Secondly, what exactly is it about being gay or bi that you don't want? I need you to explain it to me because I can't see it as a 'bad' thing. There are many intelligent and respectable people that had homosexual tendencies. Life can be more straight forward for heterosexuals but that isn't always the case.

To my knowledge nobody knows why homosexual urges develop. They are of no use to humans reproductively they are just a phenomenon. A miracle within the laws of nature. If you are able to be aroused by guys it shouldn't be percieved as a curse or a burden. It is something out of our control and that we can either learn to accept so we can get on with our lives or try to fight in which case there is no winner. It's like someone being born with dark-brown skin wishing that they had white coloured skin.

I understand you don't choose to feel the way that you feel about the prospect of being into guys. What you can do is think about why you feel that way, sort out those issues in your mind and understand that you have absolutely no reason to feel bad about homosexual urges. I suspect it is simply because you never felt this way before. You are going to have to let go of who you were and embrace who you are becoming. I know it is easier said that done but can you think of an alternative to getting peace of mind? Things like feeling sorry for yourself and supressing your feelings don't do you any good.

Watching gay porn doesnt make me gay, no one apart from u has ever said that, also I just dont want to be gay or bi I am happy with what I am, before this I never had a single thoughts

Oh sorry! I did not mean to write that you are gay/bi just because you watched any. I assumed (which I should not have done) that you were sexually aroused by both the gay and lesbian porn not just watching it. That is why I thought you were bisexual.

Are you sexually attracted to guys (even if it is on and off)? If the answer is yes, regardless of what you want to be, you are not a heterosexual. At least not with my understanding of a heterosexual i.e. someone only attracted to the opposite gender.

Maybe you are simply 'bi-curious'. I don't believe sexuality is 'black and white' with either gay, straight or bi people only.