Relationship Problems, but I LOVE Her...I think...

My paranoid tendencies, which I believe are a large part of my OCD (paranoid about poisoning, contaminations, and etc.) are ruining my relationship. I recognize that these are a problem, and that not being able to eat anything she could have potentially contaminated (anything unopened, in the fridge, etc.), fearing she poisoned the BATHTUB...are just insane and ridiculous, but they are not things I can seem to easily contain.

Needless to say, they are virtually ruining our relationship after we moved in together to try it out. I constantly feel the need to lock my things. But she can pick locks, or if I find those she cannot, I assume she can anyway, so this doesn't really work or help me at all.

I feel like, while she may SAY she loves me...she is really only there to hurt me, exploit me, and then leave me. I know this cannot possibly be the case, but it is what my OCD/PPD thinks and worse, feels. And this is all in conjunction with my beliefs that she IS hell-bent on poisoning me, ahhh!

I don't want to put her through having to deal with this, I want to stop it. I really recognize that it is a problem, and I think I love her enough to work on this for her. What can I do?

IndieMind, if she's there with you, then she's probably prepared to give you support while you're going through treatment. It's a big deal that you recognize that this is hurting her, that the thoughts aren't true and that you have to get better for your relationship to work. You should see a psych doctor and be completely honest about your thoughts and how intense they are, if you haven't done that already.

Unfortunately I have been to many psych doctors in the past, but they have been ineffectual in helping me survive in the long term, but they are very effective, sometimes, depending on the doctors, in the short term to make me feel more...sane, normal, even?

I am not sure how there for me she can really be, when I am treating her as the enemy one minute, and the true love of my life the next. It is very frustrating for her, and she feels everything so personally, that I do not know what to do or say anymore. These mixed signals will be difficult for anyone to deal with, but when faced with them every day and night, it is...basically ruining her impressions of me, and ruining my ability to be open and honest with her.

Maybe couples counseling with an OCD psych doctor would be more effective for us, then? Do you know of any ways I could make this easier on both of us during the treatment processes?

Are you on any medication? Maybe that would be helpful too. You could give couple's counseling a try, sure. Maybe you just need to stick to seeing a psych and getting proper treatment for your condition, if it's what you need, you don't have to stop.

I dated someone with OCD and I think the most difficult thing for the partner is not the disorder as much as not being able to understand.

The things you describe, while I imagine they are incredibly challenging for you to cope with, are, despite the partner's best efforts, unfortunately out of our reach of understanding.

I loved my partner dearly, but I felt like everything I was doing was wrong, and there was just no way to fix that. I wanted to understand, I was open to hearing him out, regardless of how crazy he thought he was being.

In the end though, I felt like the problem was being projected on to me, rather than managed. I wish he had seen a doctor, and got his meds in order, and seen a clinical psychologist and I wish I'd had the education to understand how I could have a relationship with him in a way that didn't rip both of us to shreds.

I found when I didn't understand, and I was being blamed for things that I distanced myself in my mind, and that disconnection caused him more anxiety because he wanted to always 'know' my thoughts and be sure I wasn't going to leave.

Its hard because you want to stay and be supportive but you don't want to play into the compulsions. All I know is its incredibly draining, and at the end of the day, I had needs too, and while we were all about the relationship and the OCD, my needs just kept taking a back step. I'm a strong person, and I loved my partner, and the OCD is part of him, but regardless of your condition, you need to be able to give back.

We can forgive all the magical thinking, but we can't get forgotten. Just saying thanks, saying you appreciate your partner, and the things they accept about you, makes us feel like it's all worth it. But treatment, psychotherapy, and regular reviews are so massively important.

There are three people in these relationships, you, her and the OCD. Trying to push the OCD aside and pretending its not their, or weaving the partner into the problem, just doesn't fix anything.

Its a long road, and it might be relentless, but I found without that commitment for my partner to seek support that he needed, I couldn't sustain things on my own.

Does that mean I don't love him? Of course not. Does that mean I want him to suffer? definitely no.

I would love to stay and work through things with him because while OCD is a total pain in my arse, it didn't mean he didn't deserve my love for the otherwise great guy he was when he was relaxed and at ease.

I'm also aware, that this simply may not be possible.

Indie, is your paranoia triggered by vulnerability?

Therapy and medications go together on this one. So you need to have a good talk with a therapist and find a doctor who can help you get on a medication that will help you best. If you find the right therapist sometimes they will let you do couples therapy and go to therapy by yourself with the same therapist. I know mine did.

I think OCD has ruined some of my relationships too. It is just so difficult to express how anxious/upsetting things would be if they weren't a certain way. Plus, I would get so anxious, I would end up staying awake all night OCDing. Very hard for my partner to see me like that as he always knew when I was up out of bed roaming around.

Have you tried CBT?