Not sure where I belong here....

Im exhausted from the constant anxiety. Im confused about where I belong on this forum. I dont understand my problem and I have had it for about 23 years. I am female.

I am a survivor of sexual abuse by family (for 9 years, then a single incident, and then another few months (3 perps)). I guess that's called incest but I never refer to it that way. I have been diagnosed with OCD and truly believe I also suffer from BDD and possible PTSD.

I dont even know where to begin.

My main problem ...I think...is that I cant be around, see images of (tv, media, photos, film) or even talk about attractive women or sexuality (myself excluded) without having panic, anxiety, anger, sadness. a feeling of complete disgust with myself (mind and body), feeling totally not good enough in any way and wanting to die. This causes upset daily in myself and my relationship. It seems to mainly take place when I am in a relationship (which I am now). I cant watch tv/movies, look at images of any sort of attractive women, nudity or sexuality with my partner. I have an extremely hard time going out in public with him as I am in constant fear of being around an attractive women or an image of one.

If he mentions an attractive women, if one comes on tv, or in a place we are I get enraged and want to burst into tears. I actually feel hatred towards him (and I love him dearly). I have images/thoughts of violently attacking these women and I dont even know them. If he makes a comment about someone being pretty or about some story from his past about some woman, or refers to something ...ie a scantily clad woman at some club he was at I feel all the things mentioned above. Basically inside I am enraged, panicked, devastated, and also disgusted with myself and want to die.

This has been a pattern for me since my very first relationship in high school. I cant control the feelings and if it were up to me I would not go out with my partner anywhere, ever.

I hate myself and my mind. I hate the feelings I have. I hate my body. I feel ugly and unlovable.

I wish for amnesia as i believe this is the only thing that will stop this crap.

I have attended sexual abuse and incest one on one therapy, psychotherapy, art therapy, on and off for over 20 years and a psychiatrist (for 7 years). I have tried anti anxiety and anti depressants. Nothing I have tried has ever made any difference in these feelings.

I feel sorry for my partner and sometimes wish he would leave me for his own good.

There was one relationship that I had for 9 years. At one point, I cheated on my boyfriend - that 9 year guy (I believe b/c my feelings makes me distrust them and I tried to hurt him). After that, I didnt have the fears, anxiety the same way and was able to watch tv and movies.

Other than that I have always felt this way.

Any thoughts, advice and especially anyone who has the same feelings or problem I would love to hear from you!!

I feel so alone. So confused but mainly just isolated by my own mind.
confusedandtired
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Joined: Sat Mar 05, 2011 6:31 pm