Shocked... I don't know what more to say...

Please forgive my gibbering at this stage, I think this forum has just given me a very nasty shock, I'm sitting here at the keyboard shaking furiously.

Allow me to start at the beginning... earlier today I posted this message in another forum just after general answers:

Petty memories constantly replaying in my mind are making me miserable!?
I guess this is a two part question:

Firstly does anyone else have problems with "nuisance memories" (not sure if there is a proper description so that's what I'm going to call them)??? Silly, petty memories that serve no purpose other than to make me feel miserable. For example when I was 6 being teased by PH (yes I remember her name) for liking a boy (AL, yes I remember his name too) or the time I was going on a bus trip with two friends and showed my concession card but accidentally forgot to pay and had to be called back by the driver. The times when driving and have been abused by other drivers for their own stupidity - something which has happened today and which has prompted this post because I know this experience is just going to become yet another "nuisance memory". All silly, petty little memories which seem to involve some degree of personal embarrassment or perceived injustice. And I'm talking memories from close to 30 years ago in some cases.

Secondly, is there something that I can do to rid myself of these memories. They serve no purpose - how can reliving the bus incident constantly enrich my life in any way. These are not dramatic, painful, earth shattering, life altering memories that I'm trying to repress - these are just stupid little snippets that seem to be stuck on a continuous loop. I just want them to stop!!!!

So there we go, two questions: does anyone else have this problem, a photographic memories which focuses only on humiliation and what can I do to stop it?

I've had 4 responses to this message so far, with two of those responses being that these thought are possibly OCD relate. Huh, I thought, I dont have OCD, I'm not fanatically clean (my house is currently a disgusting testimony to this fact) but I did a search anyway which is what has lead me to this forum.

Imagine then my surprise when I find out that my pulling out eyelashes and eyebrows then eating them has a name - I thought I was the only one in the world that did that. That pulling strips of skin off the soles of my feet and eating them (god I can't believe that I'm even writing any of this down for the whole world to see) has a name. That nail biting and biting at the skin around my nails is a compulsive habit and one that everyone has been on at me about for the past 30 odd years!!! I feel so dirty, no I feel disgusting. All I wanted to do was turn off my memory but now suddenly everything has just become so, so much worse. My oldest son was diagnosed with ADHD 3 years ago and now it looks suspiciously like its all genetically my fault.

I don't even know why I'm sitting here telling you all these things. I think I need help, I don't even know where to turn to now.

Hi Smurtle,

Oh my, I think you are being very mean to yourself.
You are not a bad or disgusting person. What has changed between now and last week (before you read about the nail/skin biting)? You are still the same person you were then. The only difference is that you now have more information and knowledge. Use this information and knowledge to help yourself - not for self-punishment!

I suppose you are responsible for the creation of your son - he is your (and his father's) gift to the world.
But how can you be responsible for him having ADHD?? I don't think you can be responsible for something you have no control over.

Is it your parents' fault that you may have trichotillomania and dermatillomania? Sometimes nobody is to blame.

Please don't make yourself feel disgusting. If I have dangly bits of skin around my fingers I often bite them off and eat them. I think a lot of people do this. It may not be considered polite, but sometimes it's the best way to dispose of the skin!
If you feel the need to do this compulsively, I'd try to focus on how you can control this behaviour, or try to find some other way to handle anxiety or tension. (What I'm trying to say is that I don't think it's the actual hair-pulling or skin-picking that is bad in itself; it's when people suffer from compulsive behaviour that it can become a problem.)

Regarding your memories, I think you need to stop hurting yourself with them. What is your imagination like? Could you re-imagine the memories so that they are less painful? Say for example the bus memory... start the memory as per usual: get on the bus, show your concession card, and turn to walk up the bus aisle to find a seat. But before the bus driver calls-out to you, change the story. Maybe you turn back to the bus driver and say "I almost forgot to pay" and hand him the money. Then he replies "You're a good girl." Or maybe instead of saying that, he gives you a high-five. Or maybe he smiles and jokes, "Don't worry, I would've chased you down the bus; nobody gets on for free!"

And if you can re-imagine the memory in ways like that, why not make it even crazier? Maybe you walked onto the bus wearing a dress made entirely out of money, and the bus driver had to tear a note off the hem of your dress or sleeve!

Or maybe you and the bus driver swap places, and it's the driver who forgot to pay and you who had to call him/her back!

If you can practise corrupting the memories in this way, perhaps it will take the pain out of them, so that they can no longer hurt you.

Smurtle wrote:I think I need help, I don't even know where to turn to now.

I think it would be good if you can find someone you can talk to about these things. Is there a counsellor or psychologist you can meet with, or perhaps a friend you trust?

Those habits are in no way gross. Not to me at least. Any person with sympathy will see that obviously you are having a hard time with these habits or you just can't stop and they will put themselves in your shoes and realize that it might not be the same situation the initially started. You are the same person you were before, no grosser, no cleaner. If these habits are not bothering you, why inflict this bothersome pain upon yourself. If you have no reason to stop something, then continue it. But let's say that it becomes obsessive, then we have a small problem. Read some more of the threads on here and you will find that you are probably one of the most boring people on here compared to others. Just keep being you because if you didn't have a problem with YOU before, you shouldn't have a problem with YOU now.