I may have OCD

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abracadabra wrote:
You know what else....I lie. About dumb things and I don't even realize it. I just said I was a Psychology student. I'm not!

What a twist!

Anyway, I relate to a lot of what you wrote aswell. I was also diagnosed with ADD in like 5th grade. I don't rememeber much around that time so who knows if I actually had it.

What happens with me is I get lost in my thoughts in my head. I've been described as "deep in thought" most of the time because I tend to stare at something blankly without blinking for what can be hours at a time just thinking, being anxious and worrying. I'm also late for pretty much everything. I spend so much time thinking/worrying about what's gonna happen, I totally lose track of time and end up having to rush at the very last minute when realtity comes back with full force.

I'm also really slow with my movements because it's like i have to carefully think out every move I make in order to do it.

What doya think?

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abracadabra wrote:yes, thats me.

I guess I quit medication too quickly. I know there are more out there.

Do you take Adderall? I took straterra and the side effects were too much. Adderall was okay, but it felt like I had too many thoughts bombarding my head and while it was working to get me doing things and paying attention....I would just think too much.

I've taken adderral non-prescribed once and it just made me a lot more awake since it's legal speed pretty much.

I was prescribed ritalin in the 5th grade, but i think my mother ended up taking all of my pills so I cant recall if it helped or not.

Only thing I've found that sort of helps is keeping active physically, work out everyday to keep yourself thinking too much and set a goal to achieve to start feeling better.

well abracadabra i don't know if you are still checking this site but your story seems oddly familiar.

let me first say that all of the answers you so desperately seek are written within your own post...if you look carefully.


you say i am not thinking at all when i live my life. but clearly you are... to some extent. i mean look at all of the self-reflection you've done, it seems to me that you actually know yourself quite well. like you have all the pieces in front of you...your just not sure how to put it all together to make...well you.

"figuring out what is wrong with me and getting it fixed" just to let you know you will never be fixed. you will never be perfect. you will always be evolving, changing, adapting...you can never be "fixed", because you are not broken, you are human. you will go through life constantly making mistakes and constantly choosing the right way. sometimes you win, sometimes you don't. acceptance is key...you are not perfect so stop expecting to be. stop expecting to always know, always fix. you learn about who you are everyday with every circumstance. you are allowed to be wrong, allowed to not know. and i know you "know" but you are not applying that knowledge.

i am happy to see that you realize you are "book smart." and i am willing to bet you don't lack that much social skill. you sound very intelligent and articulate, and i'm sure others can see that as well. perhaps your childhood is drawing you a distorted picture of reality on how others view you now..."I think what is the cause of this is my childhood experiences of being an outkast and teased for many years."


you acknowledge that you are an extremely happy individual. and at your core, your untouched innocent self you are. i can 100% guarantee that. it is your own self, your own inner dialogue that systematically destroys any pleasant felling you may have regarding your self (and self-esteem) by judging, questioning and doubting who you are. its tragic but true.

"I smile a lot...and sometimes I focus on my smiling and think...I'm smiling too much and my mind starts wandering about something about me." if you don't feel like smiling. don't. your entourage doesn't need that of you. no one expects you to smile all the time. you expect that of you because you think that's what others need. next time this happens try this. here's my advice, instead of saying to yourself: 'oh s#$t i'm smiling to much...i wonder what others think...i wonder why i said (...) or did (...) or thought (...) and that was so (...) i'm so (...). say to yourself: 'wow i was smiling a lot there and i didn't even feel like it, so f@%k it, I'm not smiling any more, and well that's o.k. I'm not the official smile king...no one nominated me king smiles and as if I'm going to put myself in that role. plus I'm allowed to not find everything amusing. it doesn't mean I'm a negative person. i know it sounds ridiculous, but you have to retrain yourself on how to accept yourself, right down to the imperfect details, that eat you up.

and by the way that applies to everything you do...especially the little white lies. we, on this forum, believe that you can diagnose yourself better than any psych, because well YOU LIVE IN YOUR OWN HEAD, and you know how you think and why you think that way. we don't. and neither does anyone else, regardless of their degree of education, but for some reason you seem to think that you have to PROVE that you actually know yourself better than anyone else by stating to us something you are not (a psychology student.) therapist may enlighten us of our own behaviors by pointing out patterns, but you've already identified them. so you know yourself, you know your potential, you know you are happy, you just don't know how to apply those things, you don't know how to be yourself. (without second guessing yourself.)




you next discuss intimacy. well you are 23 yrs. old. maybe 22. (hey you lied once...lol-kidding! either way i don't care about your age.) intimacy comes when you can stand by yourself. its hard to love someone when you have no clue how to love (accept) yourself. the demand on the other will be a strain because you may, without even realizing it, use their love to fulfill, and reassure your good qualities by confirming who you are, for you. in any case clearly you are looking for affirmation and confirmation that you are a strong happy person able to make it through this roller coaster ride called life. you don't have intimacy problems, your just not ready for a relationship.

because you've messed up before in the past, you are scared that you will let yourself go there again. YOU DON'T TRUST YOURSELF. "I've experienced it before when I lived on my own. I would literally sit and veg in a chair in absolute silence just listening to my thoughts. I would make mistakes over mistakes and not learning from them." its funny but you learned something, i think. you learned and taught yourself not to trust yourself since you let yourself repeat whatever negative pattern you seemed to be in during that period of time.

and consequently you became clearly petrified, petrified of making mistakes. so much so that it is all consuming right down to the fine print of being unable to "drive a car without knowing where everything on the road is. It's like my mind is on overdrive....always on the lookout for danger." your mind is now constantly continuously scanning everything, evrywhere looking for mistakes - problems and the way in which you may contribute to them...how exhausting.


is this normal. no. it would not be wise to say this is a healthy way to live life. is this a reflection of internal conflict, yes. lucky for you every negative behavior you mention you possess is dualed up with a positive one. try re-writting this post backwards...try writing it in a way that makes it a little more, pardon me; but a little more human. take this paragraph...you originally wrote it ...i edited it. now think about it, before saying ya obviously, its what i wrote i know how i feel. it doesnt entirely possess the same meaning...its a little more forgiving.

" I keep trying to find faults with me. but i am normal. It is not normal for me to keep trying to figure out or find things to get better at, because as a direct consequence it traps me in some weird cycle. and I finally recognize this. so instead i will try to not pick out my imperfections and tell myself to shut up when i start to find them."


if you cannot listen your wiser side telling your insecure side to shut up and quit attacking you, try a walk...listen to music do 50 jumping jacks, punch a pillow. scream. whatever so long as you are not focusing on the negative thought pattern and allowing it to have a voice.


i think how you view your relationship with your mom has something to do with how you view yourself.
"It could just be that I learned how to be overly anxious through my mother..." i don't think your parents are to blame for how you feel and how you think. they may have contributed in shaping you, but they didn't forge you from stone. you are you, and not them. and you can change. you may recognize where your idea of self-perfection derived from but you cannot hold your mother hostage of that behavior in you. she owns that behavior in her self for her self. you can choose to change only that behavior in yourself for yourself. also ummm... have you notice that you wrote that your mom is "is very perfectionistic". and you struggle with being perfect. again, you ARE not your mother. any behavior learned can be unlearned- its proven, look it up. and yes it will be difficult to unlearn how to think and replace it with a new way of thinking but it is definitely possible and definitely worth the effort.


you then explain that you are frustrated because you are treated as a child, which leaks into your relationship with yourself which has immature childish elements as well (pressure on self to be perfect, always finding faults). consequently your fear is that how are you going to do without her? the independence and trust you are trying to establish within yourself (that you are happy, healthy and) to be able to make it as functioning adult in this world is being crushed because at 23 she "always tells me how to do things.....like a BABY....I'm worried that if I get out of the house I will be reduced to no skills whatsoever."
and consequently this "pisses you off " because it doesn't allow you to nurture the relationship you are fighting to have with yourself.
question for reflection: you wrote IF i get out of the house, you probably should be thinking more along the lines of when i get out of the house. you are an adult you will leave again. and you will be o.k.

plus the fact that you were once on your own and now back at home is contributing to the thought pattern of being unable to be independent.




once you truly break free from your child self and start living for your own happiness, life will make a lot more sense, and be a lot less scary, trust me on this one. but you cannot expect to be perfect and you cannot expect to not make mistakes and you cannot be so hard on yourself. but until you accept that as a state of being and not just some good advice, these word will be meaningless.

you learn through experience, so make room for change. do not hold the people, money the environment accountable of your mood, because you will never be dependent on yourself, continuously blaming others for your rainy day. i understand that as humans we feed off of everything, and clearly you are sensitive to other peoples energy (perhaps that is why you are always attempting to be in a perfect state.) but going with the flow is no longer an option. you need to be you. write your mom a letter politely asking her to back off. make sure you tell her you appreciate her but explain your need for space. if she doesn't respect that simply walk away from her in the morning, then write her another polite letter explain why you left. your need for space.easier said than done, i realize. but you wont be mad at her if you don't participate in this conflict.on an other note
how is her relationship with her spouse/b-f? are you in someway filling a role that is lacking in her life?

don't worry to much about your memory. your mind is having a hard time finding a calm state, and can't work on remembering things. just write whatever important things you have to remember down and leave the rest.

you are not bipolar you are having an emotional breakdown. i can assure you that if your next quick fix is bipolar...the specialists will find it just like ADD, because that is what their trained to look for...and that is how you know to be. "Also I just started looking into bipolar disorder....and thinking that maybe that is what I have." . You already know you don't have this BUT you need answers to your problems, hence the desperate online searching through the DSM. However as you've come to realize the mind cannot be so easily classified solely in that way. try searching for ways to calm your self and alternative solutions to medications and traditional therapy sessions. remember mind over matter. try reading this book: THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED by M.Scott Peck. it may bring you new perspective. read it front to back, not just the first chapter.

so what more can i say? good luck and get out of your head. you live once, so be your potential.

p.s. one last thing, you also know you probably don’t have OCD , your re-reading the post trying to seek out any answer or clue to remove you from the state you are in. Obsessively. It’s understandable.
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