Bad OCD

Hi I'm 18 and i've had OCD for most of my life. I didn't get it on my own...I "inherited" it through my mother (she is very OCD, and she doesn't even know it). She would always tell me "make sure everything is in its place before bed" or "make sure you dont forget anything when you leave the house, go to school, go snowboarding, etc".

I didn't realize I had OCD until 5 months ago when I googled it. I'm always always always going over stuff, making sure I have everything. I obsess about it, and I'm always compulsing about it. When I make something for dinner, I make sure everything is put away before I start eating. What I take out, I make sure its put back. When I go to school, I make sure I have everything. When I go to work (I work at a Law Office), I make sure I get everything done correctly and Im done everything on that file. This stresses me out because I don't have time for that at work. When I plug in my laptop, I make sure about 4 times that it's charging. Ill say something, and I have to repeat it. Ill get my boyfriend to repeat it so I know what I said. When we get into fights, I need him to repeat stuff so it goes through my head. Eventhough it's through my head...I just need it repeated to me. When I do my list of things Im supposed to have with me, Ill go through the list another 20 times to make sure I have everything. Its really stressful and ridiculous. When I play a video game, I save it 2 times. When I have a conversation, I always make sure I replied to everything and that I'm getting replied to. When me and my bf talk, sometimes he'll reply "half-assed" and I'll get mad at him for not repeating me, or giving me a "straight" answer. Its puts stress on my relationship, we work through it together though. Im going under his benefits so I can talk to a Psychiatrist. I dont want my parents knowing about this, Im not sure why.

I also think really crazy things. I heard a kid was complaining of ear aches and it turns out he had 2 spiders in his ear. I wear earplugs, and sometimes my ears hurt, so then I start thinking I have spiders in my ears. Or I think about getting raped, or having my car jacked. If i ###$ up at work, I think theyre talking behind my back. I think of bad stuff mostly everyday, its only for a couple hours all together.

I was on the phone with my mom (they're away on holidays), and she told me 4 times throughout the conversation to get the mail from the house. I'm trying really hard to get rid of my OCD, but it's extremely hard when my mother has it and doesnt realize she has it. Ive told her twice she has OCD, but she didnt say anything..she just ignored me pretty much (sometimes she does that). She's contantly OCD, and I don't want to be around someone who has OCD because it annoys the $#%^ out of me. I can understand how my boyfriend feels.

When im being OCD, which is literally everyday, I am so discrete about it. When someone is talking to me, I zone out and start thinking about my "lists". I get anxiety from being OCD as well. If something isn't done, or if I dont know where something is, or if I cant finish my list then I get bad anxiety. Sometimes I can't breathe. I do smoke marijuana as well and when I'm high, my mind wanders. So when Im being OCD and I'm high...Ill either go through my lists once, or a thousand times.

No one knows I have OCD besides my boyfriend, doctor, and whoever is reading this. Im going to see a Psychiatric in a couple months hopefully she/he can help me though this. Besides OCD and Anxiety, I also have somewhat of a Social Phobia, Minor Depression, and PTSD. I dont want to rely on a Psychiatric to help me, I want to help myself as well. I dont know if medication would be the best for me.

I would like other peoples thoughts and see how I can get help.

tawnbabe wrote:When I make something for dinner, I make sure everything is put away before I start eating. What I take out, I make sure its put back. When I go to school, I make sure I have everything.

I can totally relate to what you're saying; I've had OCD all my life and it gets tiring. I re-organize constantly -- example, I make sure the cans or spaghetti sauce jars etc. labels are facing towards me in the cupboard. I wash dishes as I cook and of course everything has to be put a way before I can actually sit down and eat my prepared food, which might be cold by then. I eat standing up while I'm cleaning a good portion of the time too; not exactly relaxing.

As funny as it might sound, people have asked whether they should bath before getting in my car because it's so clean; it's embarrassing I'm such a nut case. All this activity takes an incredible amount of time and energy. I obsess about cleaning, particularly bathrooms. I hate filth of any kind and love my 'wipes'; sad as that sounds. ######6 nightmare and yes, my anxiety levels are extremely high.

I completely understand you not wanting to rely on psychiatrists and medications to get better- I was once the exact same way. I have a history of being "non-compliant" with my medicine and dumping therapists after a few sessions. I wanted to handle this on my own. But I finally gave in and started taking medication. What I found is that the pills and doctors only help you so much, you still have to put in a lot of effort yourself. The meds, for me, just helped me get to the point where I could start helping myself. So, I've found an equal balance between fighting my disorders with meds and with my own perseverance. I hope you find this helpful, and be sure to express your fears with your dr, he/she might have some suggestions as well. Good luck!

tinysunflower wrote:I completely understand you not wanting to rely on psychiatrists and medications to get better- I was once the exact same way. I have a history of being "non-compliant" with my medicine and dumping therapists after a few sessions. I wanted to handle this on my own. But I finally gave in and started taking medication. What I found is that the pills and doctors only help you so much, you still have to put in a lot of effort yourself. The meds, for me, just helped me get to the point where I could start helping myself. So, I've found an equal balance between fighting my disorders with meds and with my own perseverance. I hope you find this helpful, and be sure to express your fears with your dr, he/she might have some suggestions as well. Good luck!

Are you still taking medication for this condition? I seem to be doing OK most of the time; it's the routine / rituals that can be a little time consuming. Guess I'm taking a break worrying about this disorder currently. I seem to get the rest I need at night -- it's not quite as bad as I've previously written, but the condition always exists with me; I think it's tied to anxiety and nothing more.