Self-diagnosing and OCD?

I have a full-blown obsession with illnesses of various sorts and I am constantly researching new diseases and worrying that I may have them. I realise that this is not helping me but I feel powerless not to compulsively research even on this forum. I am taking 50 mg of Anafranil everyday and I was on 2.5 mg Zyprexa for a few days but decided to stop taking it yesterday as I felt so dazed from it. I have not been sleeping much over the past few weeks, not at all actually. I cannot stop my ruminating at night or during the day and its making it very hard for me to function even at home with no responsibilties. I get very troubling thoughts about hurting my family or myself and I don't know why this happens as I love my family . I don't even know why I'm pouring this out on an internet forum.

Wow, An RN. Has nothing to do with psychology, but wow.
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Sound's like pureO. We had a moderator here with it aswell, She was coincidently my friend so we discussed it at time's for my understanding.

The illness part sounds like generalized anxiety. Though could have inclusion in pureO. Not getting sleep only make's it worse and i know you cant get sleep because of the ruminating so it turn's into this stupid cycle.

She had all kind's of bad thought's, Such as your's and worse which was hard for her even to admit. Had no intention or will to act upon them yet could not stop them, They interjected themselves and the more she tried not to think about them the worse it got....Sound familyer?.

If so look up PureO (Pure Obsession of the OCD). Lorazapam is also a good drug and might be of some benifit for your issues as a quick fix to get you some sleep and possibly shut off your mind for awhile, If you wanted to talk to your Dr about it. It's valium.

The good new's is there is psychotherapy treatment. It's more unique as PureO isnt incredibly common.

(This post is for A'ine)

Hi,thanks for answering.

I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and an "obsessive thought disorder". I was first treated for depression with Seroxat (Paxil) by my GP and then I was referred to a pyshciatrist who put me on Prozac which helped me to finish secondary school. In college I went to a student counsellor who helped a great deal. I later had a breakdown when I became convinced I would murder my family. I got my mother to take me to the local hospital, where they prescribed Xanax and Zimovane (zopiclone) as well as Effexor XR. I continued with regular visits to an outpatient clinic where they continued to prescribe me Xanax, sleeping pills and Effexor XR. When I said it wasn't working they just increased the dose. I then had another breakdown after which they just increased the dose again. I started seeing a pyschiatrist at my university and she prescribed Lustral (Zoloft) which helped me through university. After 8 months trying to teach English in South Korea, I found I couldn't sleep and I became convinced I was going insane. I managed to get home and I was prescribed Cipramil (citalopram) by my GP and Stilnoct (zolpidem). Cipramil didn't help so I asked for something else and he perscribed Anafranil which seemed to help me sleep but has not really diminished the strength of my depression or obsessions. I went to another GP because my regular doc was sick for the day I made my appointment and I told me I was desparate to sleep and that I thought I was psychotic ( another persistent obsession). This doc gave me Zyprexa 2.5 mg which I took for two night but then stopped because it was making me feel really weird (weirder than normal, which is weird)

All the above took place between 1999 and 2007.

I don't just have the obsessive thoughts though, I also have various compulsions which I don't understand. I like to sniff things mainly food and also my hands. I also have a nose picking compulsion which I only do when I think no one is looking. I check things a lot, like whether I have locked a door or have turned off the cooker. I also have problems socialising as I have many of the elements of social phobia. I have a problem with germophobia so I wash my hands quite a bit, not for hours at a time but more than I would like. I also have elements of body dysmorphia as I often check my appearance in reflective substances, have poor self image etc.

I have tried to do that muscle relaxtion exercise. Its called Progressive Muscle Relaxtion (PMR) and it has helped relax me at times but I find it hard to focus on it when I get severely obsessive. I worry that I'm not doing it right.

My hypochondria is not especially severe as I don't tend to visit a doctor if I feel a little ill. I tend only to obsess and research all the possible diseases I can find out about on the net. For example, my younger brother was working in America for the summer and got Lyme's disease so I researched it and I thought he was going to die. My brother is fine now.

I don't tend to believe any of the obsessions. I can recognise them as ridiculous or excessive. My GP says I have "insight" into my condition.

Sorry for the excessive length and thank to those of you who read it. Apologies if there are any triggers anyone.

I can imagine the difficulty for you as a nurse because you have far more knowlegde about illness than I do. At least I am not directly exposed to illness. That must make it tough for you as you can't avoid being exposed to your triggers if you do have this problem

PS I had this all typed out before I could respond to SoKa's post.

(This is for SoKA)

I managed to sleep last night with 5 mg of zolpidem (Stilnoct,Ambien etc) which helped me sleep for 10 hours or so and I was still tired when I woke up. I don't think I'm going to be able to get my doc to give me Valium as benzos have a very bad rep among doctors in Ireland. Stuff like zolpidem or zopiclone is okay because they aren't benzos even though they have pretty much the same effects and dangers as the benzo hypnotics. I have tried Xanax at low doses .25 mg and it didn't help much.

I have heard of Pure O and I thought I did have this because I can control the compulsions if I wish to. I obsess about pyschiatric conditions too especially schizophrenia, bi-polar etc. I have even bought books about these illnesses. I have other very unpleasant thoughts which I won't share here but which have caused me a lot of guilt and shame over the years. What you are saying does seem similar to my problem

I like to play videogames to relax or watch a good movie but it is hard to do these at night as I don't want to wake my family. I find reading sometimes helps except when I'm really far gone and depressed and I can't interest myself in anything except for my obsession.

Thanks for the suggestion. I had already considered it.

Thanks for the input.

I already have the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook you mention. I have loads of self-help books and they usually don't do much good because part of me is always saying it won't work and there is something wrong with me. This wrongness comes from years of these thoughts intruding. I am struggling to change this belief.

Its great that you have managed to make a good life for yourself. I am having difficulty deciding what I want to do. I am only 22 but I feel a great deal of pressure to have my life mapped out and complete now. I feel a bit of a failure for not having a career right now. I have a degree but it in Classic (Latin and Greek) and I don' really know what to do with it.

I think you are right about getting someone educated and competent to work with. I have used free, public services in the past and most of the time the people working there are unexceptional or incompetent. I feel its important to work with someone who is intelligent and perceptive. Too often pyschs have asked me to rate my mood on a scale of one to ten. If I wasn't always depressed when I meet these people. I'd laugh in their faces. I know they are only trying to help but it really annoys me. I think I will try to find a good psychologist or a psychiatrist with experience in CBT.

This idea of increasing meds indefinitely is stupid and dangerous. Also I dislike the prescribing of only the newest, most expensive drugs such a Effexor, Lexapro and Zyprexa. Zyprexa cost 3 euro per 2.5 mg tablet. Sorry for the anti pharmaceutical digression.

I was very worried for a while that my thoughts were a symptom of psychosis as I did not have any explanation for these thoughts. I find the compulsions easy to control but this does not stop the underlying thoughts or the anxiety and consequent depression.

((((((((((((Warning potential triggers for OCD people.))))))))))))))))

For example if I am travelling in a car with someone, I get the urge to pull the steering wheel so the car crashes. I never want this to happen but it doesn't stop me from getting these thoughts. I also get the urge to hit people in public just to see what would happen, I don't want to hit people and I don't feel any anger when this thought happens. I also get the urge to act in other inappropriate ways like screaming in public or stepping in front of car or jumping off a cliff. I was on a very percipitous cliff in Korea and I got the urge to throw myself off it. I was not suicidal at the time. These thoughts have been happening from at least the age of 13 or 14.

Have you had any problem with dependance on Klonopin? I would be tempted to take it to help me with my social anxiety but I know my GP will be reluctant to prescribe a benzo, one GP gave me Zyprexa ( an anti psychotic) instead of a tranquiliser when I was exceptionally anxious.

Many rolling eyes.

Well thanks for listening to some of my "thoughts". Apologies for the length again, I am a rather windy fellow at times.

Hello,
I went to my GP today and I told him more of what I was thinking and I suggested to him that I had Asperger's Syndrome. He knows quite a bit about autism as he is involved with an Austism charity here in Ireland. He referred me to the leading expert on this condition in Ireland. This person is a professor, a medical doctor and also a psychotherapist.

I am extremely pleased about this as I think a lot of my OCD symptoms are similar to Asperger's type symptoms and it explains other things about myself that have remained puzzling to me. I knew it was never just depression, OCD or social anxiety. Part of me doesn't want to communciate with others. I don't like speaking much and I don't read body language well. I have an intellectual understanding of people's emotions and body language but no real emotional instinct for this. I try to act "normal" and feel like I am faking emotions I don't have. I rarely feel anger or sadness and I find it extremely difficult to express or identify my emotions.

Sorry again for the length. I tend to be quite monological. Thank you for your time A'ine, your input has been valuable.