Am I a pedophile please be honest

This has been happening for 3 years now i’m in my early 20s. Idk if I want to say everything but i’ll say what im like today. And the starting point.

I was at work and I was on break saw a tiktok of a senior talking to some 11 year olds. I started panicking I started looking at her butt, the person looked “cute”.

So now - I feel like it’s all repression. I am overly hypersexual I went to boarding school growing up for the longest time aid just watch porn. I liked adult porn my lonely self had crushes on pornstars I felt inadquate. I wanted an older girlfriend, my sexual problems were so big. Shut I had age appropriate crushes. I think at most 2 years below me. I remember when a 14 yr old girl told someone she liked me and the news reach me I was like ew no wtf. But i remember feeling like i was wanted because i was lonely. I think the only sign of being a pedo would be me watching loli hentai but id watch adult incest like people on my level at the time.

I have thoughts and idk why they terrify me so much. I can orgasm to those thoughts, like my brain thinks “tight” and squishy idk if loli contributed to it. Whenever i’m outside.

I look at the porn I used to be heavily addicted to and I just can’t even bring myself. There feels like no spike - idk i orgasm when I feel that anxiety. So today, I had to take a family member to swimming I didn’t want to because kids. And there was one girl I saw. and idk what i felt but i felt arousal from her face - i thought i could see that face in an adult but idk really my head is all scrambles. Then I started looking to check (I don’t want to say testing because I don’t want to say I have OCD). And I saw her butt, and I was trying to see if I found it arousing. I was hoping to feel disgust to stop but I didn’t and I started thinking things like sexual stuff. I was so panicky and istg it’s like why am I thinking this in the first place. I went home and watched adult porn and orgasmed but it felt like it was just hiding it. I tested by looking at loli after to see if i liked it. I felt some moments of ew but I felt the arousal feeling again. But it’s like orgasming let my mind rest and stop thinking about it. But i feel guilty that im just chilling.

Sometimes my fear is a 16 year old, a 14 year old, 12 year old 8 year old. And these are things that i’ve made up on my mind. I hate going outside at times because of school run when secondary school kids come out of school, and I have a problem with legs and stuff. I think I feel hugely ashamed of viewing children sexually. That normal people can and I can’t. Sometimes I feel like disgusted but I seriously have a sex problem since I was like 8. It’s just now. Idk I keep searching the feelings to see and sometimes I find something. Like I was imagining what if she came onto me would I like this. I’ve spoken to pedophiles and know a lot of terms. Things arouse me, yet I feel like it’s not me. And my brain is mushed. I am deeply terrified to seek help and it’s expensive. It cause sex issues with me and my ex girlfriend and when I told her my thoughts she got upset at me like I didn’t want her. When I went to my doctor they were super mean to me and it’s scared me since.

I hate myself, I saw an insta ad of a young girl doing gynmastics. I felt grossed out. But I kept looking to see what it is that I like when I feel aroused and I couldn’t find anything. I feel like a fraud acting as if i have ocd when most people are not like me. I pretty much dropped out of uni for 2 years and rotted wasting my life. But I can orgasm what differentiates me and a pedophile. I just want to open my mind to these thoughts so they stop controlling me. I have so many scenes in my head I don’t feel disgusted anymore just fear and doubt and dread. I’m tired of the mental gymnastics I just want to know even if I was told I’m not a pedo which I doubt why am I the way I am. I’ve lost attraction to people my age. My body feels messed up. I hate that I ask for opinions and even then pedos will also feel disgust and stuff. But I can’t handle it anymore it got better but idk it feels like a spike in anxiety just came. Idk what to do, I don’t watch loli anymore it just idk stopped watching it but I see pornstars that look young and I can finish and if I imagine and adult I feel shame like i’m a pedo I can’t even I don’t even enjoy it anymore. I just stay alone and hide myself then I feel normal when i’m drunk I can feel attraction again it doesn’t feel like me idk anymore. I haven’t done anything please i’m really in distress. I get visions like clip scenes in my head 24/7 and I have to hide this from my friends

You definitely have serious sexual and pedophilia issues, along with anxiety and OCD. You may not be a direct pedophile, but you have traits of it. All toxic. These behaviors stem from somewhere. You might have to dig into your past and find out where it initiated from. It usually initiates from the past. The fact that you're on here explaining and wanting answers is a good first step. But, you really do need to seek professional help for yourself and others. I almost didn't post on this, because I have a HUGE problem with people and posts as such. I can't stand this type of behavior as its happened one too many times to loved ones of mine. This is not normal behavior, and I think you know that. I hope things work out for you.

DarkMoonFairy wrote:You definitely have serious sexual and pedophilia issues, along with anxiety and OCD. You may not be a direct pedophile, but you have traits of it. All toxic. These behaviors stem from somewhere. You might have to dig into your past and find out where it initiated from. It usually initiates from the past. The fact that you're on here explaining and wanting answers is a good first step. But, you really do need to seek professional help for yourself and others. I almost didn't post on this, because I have a HUGE problem with people and posts as such. I can't stand this type of behavior as its happened one too many times to loved ones of mine. This is not normal behavior, and I think you know that. I hope things work out for you.

What about it is toxic? do you mean to other people or to myself?

DarkMoonFairy wrote:You definitely have serious sexual and pedophilia issues, along with anxiety and OCD. You may not be a direct pedophile, but you have traits of it. All toxic. These behaviors stem from somewhere. You might have to dig into your past and find out where it initiated from. It usually initiates from the past. The fact that you're on here explaining and wanting answers is a good first step. But, you really do need to seek professional help for yourself and others. I almost didn't post on this, because I have a HUGE problem with people and posts as such. I can't stand this type of behavior as its happened one too many times to loved ones of mine. This is not normal behavior, and I think you know that. I hope things work out for you.

I am looking for help I just can’t due to circumstances. I also feel iffy about your remark. It happened to me too, I came to look for help not empathy I wasn’t expecting it anyways based on previous responses. I don’t understand what you mean by direct pedophile - do you mean non-exclusive? I never once said this was normal hence when I’m seeking help. I didn’t need to hear about your huge problem I was assaulted as a child I think I’d know. I know I have serious sexual issues it’s plagued me my life before all this stuff came along.

Hi Windwakerlink,

I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. My initial impression is that you’re another one of many people suffering from OCD which has manifested itself in POCD. It is a relatively common thing to afflict someone suffering from OCD.
The constant checking to see if you’re aroused by it is a very OCD behavior. I suspect you have immense fear if you are a pedophile and this coupled with OCD/anxiety has led you to regularly look for any arousal there. A person with OCD could mentally check if they have arousal over a chair, for example, and find something there -even orgasm over it. The OCD mind can trick you into anything, even believing false memories at times. It’s almost certain that your anxiety is in overdrive and affecting your perception of sexual arousal in this case.
I'm confident that if you stopped fearing if you were aroused by this, the thoughts would go away completely in time, and you’d look back years from now and not be able to believe you’d ever questioned that about yourself.
The important thing here is that you haven't harmed anyone and have no intentions to ever harm anyone. In fact, the idea of this obviously horrifies you. I think you need to seek help to manage your OCD, ideally from someone who specializes in OCD and can understand it. And through self help books. Many people without knowledge of OCD will find it challenging to understand how you arrived at all this, while someone with experience of it would know this is just typical OCD behavior. OCD is manageable, it will never go away completely but it can be brought from a 10 down to a 1 in severity.
I also think deep down you know this is your mind turning on you, which is why you’re posting here. I hope you’re able to build the tools you need to manage OCD and then let all this go and get your life back on track. The more you continue to engage with these checking behaviors or reassuring yourself regarding these thoughts the worse your OCD on the matter will get though. If you ignore them and sit through the terrible anxiety, the fear will lose it’s power in time and the thoughts will become very infrequent.

windwakerlink wrote:

DarkMoonFairy wrote:You definitely have serious sexual and pedophilia issues, along with anxiety and OCD. You may not be a direct pedophile, but you have traits of it. All toxic. These behaviors stem from somewhere. You might have to dig into your past and find out where it initiated from. It usually initiates from the past. The fact that you're on here explaining and wanting answers is a good first step. But, you really do need to seek professional help for yourself and others. I almost didn't post on this, because I have a HUGE problem with people and posts as such. I can't stand this type of behavior as its happened one too many times to loved ones of mine. This is not normal behavior, and I think you know that. I hope things work out for you.

I am looking for help I just can’t due to circumstances. I also feel iffy about your remark. It happened to me too, I came to look for help not empathy I wasn’t expecting it anyways based on previous responses. I don’t understand what you mean by direct pedophile - do you mean non-exclusive? I never once said this was normal hence when I’m seeking help. I didn’t need to hear about your huge problem I was assaulted as a child I think I’d know. I know I have serious sexual issues it’s plagued me my life before all this stuff came along.

It's not wise to ask a question if you can't handle the brutal honest truth, which I said. You literally asked if you were a pedophile. You have pedophilia ways, that's heading for trouble. You have issues within yourself and your behaviors are dangerous towards yourself and others. These are very toxic behaviors. You need to seek therapy on them. Everyone can get help, it depends on how bad you want it, and if you want to truly change your behaviors. Everyone always makes excuses as to why they can't get help, and it only allows the behaviors to be justified and continue, which isn't right. If you spent as much time as you do with your "hobbies", you can replace those with actual help if you really wanted it. Help and therapy come in all different forms.

DarkMoonFairy wrote:

windwakerlink wrote:

DarkMoonFairy wrote:You definitely have serious sexual and pedophilia issues, along with anxiety and OCD. You may not be a direct pedophile, but you have traits of it. All toxic. These behaviors stem from somewhere. You might have to dig into your past and find out where it initiated from. It usually initiates from the past. The fact that you're on here explaining and wanting answers is a good first step. But, you really do need to seek professional help for yourself and others. I almost didn't post on this, because I have a HUGE problem with people and posts as such. I can't stand this type of behavior as its happened one too many times to loved ones of mine. This is not normal behavior, and I think you know that. I hope things work out for you.

I am looking for help I just can’t due to circumstances. I also feel iffy about your remark. It happened to me too, I came to look for help not empathy I wasn’t expecting it anyways based on previous responses. I don’t understand what you mean by direct pedophile - do you mean non-exclusive? I never once said this was normal hence when I’m seeking help. I didn’t need to hear about your huge problem I was assaulted as a child I think I’d know. I know I have serious sexual issues it’s plagued me my life before all this stuff came along.

It's not wise to ask a question if you can't handle the brutal honest truth, which I said. You literally asked if you were a pedophile. You have pedophilia ways, that's heading for trouble. You have issues within yourself and your behaviors are dangerous towards yourself and others. These are very toxic behaviors. You need to seek therapy on them. Everyone can get help, it depends on how bad you want it, and if you want to truly change your behaviors. Everyone always makes excuses as to why they can't get help, and it only allows the behaviors to be justified and continue, which isn't right. If you spent as much time as you do with your "hobbies", you can replace those with actual help if you really wanted it. Help and therapy come in all different forms.

what behaviours or “hobbies” are you referring to? Furthermore, I clearly do want answers and also sorry but real life exists getting help is hard. Doesn’t stop me from trying.

catnaps wrote:Hi Windwakerlink,

I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. My initial impression is that you’re another one of many people suffering from OCD which has manifested itself in POCD. It is a relatively common thing to afflict someone suffering from OCD.
The constant checking to see if you’re aroused by it is a very OCD behavior. I suspect you have immense fear if you are a pedophile and this coupled with OCD/anxiety has led you to regularly look for any arousal there. A person with OCD could mentally check if they have arousal over a chair, for example, and find something there -even orgasm over it. The OCD mind can trick you into anything, even believing false memories at times. It’s almost certain that your anxiety is in overdrive and affecting your perception of sexual arousal in this case.
I'm confident that if you stopped fearing if you were aroused by this, the thoughts would go away completely in time, and you’d look back years from now and not be able to believe you’d ever questioned that about yourself.
The important thing here is that you haven't harmed anyone and have no intentions to ever harm anyone. In fact, the idea of this obviously horrifies you. I think you need to seek help to manage your OCD, ideally from someone who specializes in OCD and can understand it. And through self help books. Many people without knowledge of OCD will find it challenging to understand how you arrived at all this, while someone with experience of it would know this is just typical OCD behavior. OCD is manageable, it will never go away completely but it can be brought from a 10 down to a 1 in severity.
I also think deep down you know this is your mind turning on you, which is why you’re posting here. I hope you’re able to build the tools you need to manage OCD and then let all this go and get your life back on track. The more you continue to engage with these checking behaviors or reassuring yourself regarding these thoughts the worse your OCD on the matter will get though. If you ignore them and sit through the terrible anxiety, the fear will lose it’s power in time and the thoughts will become very infrequent.

Thank you, I’m not too sure based on what the other user here said but I will take it into mind.

what behaviours or “hobbies” are you referring to? Furthermore, I clearly do want answers and also sorry but real life exists getting help is hard. Doesn’t stop me from trying.[/quote]

If you really wanted to help yourself and change your behaviors, you would. There are tons of different types of therapies out there, some even free. Instead of being online all day long looking up young girls and women, replace those behaviors with healthier and helpful ones.

It seems as if you do a lot of checking. That's a habit you're going to have to break. A suggestion- instead of overthinking everything that goes through your mind when you see a minor, just try not concerning yourself over it. I have harm OCD. I deal with it, by deciding to worry about my intrusive harm thoughts when I have actually done something terrible. Not before.

The times that POCD has tried to tickle my brain, I've been very quick to make the conscious decision to not go there. It doesn't help that we're inherently (apparently, well, apparent to me, anyway) wired to glom onto youth/beauty/fertility. The way I deal with feeling attractions to ones much younger than me, is that well I know I'm too old for them. And then I don't think about it any longer. I don't try to pick what I feel apart, I don't try to analyse it, I just 'well, no, I'm old' and five minutes later I've forgotten all about it.

There's nothing special about it, it just takes practice. If I let it, I would make myself to where I was afraid to touch a youngster or show physical affection for fear of feeling sexual excitement from it. So I don't let it, I tell myself I'm being ridiculous and most importantly, I don't avoid triggers for those thought and fears. I just go on and behave like a normal person, and the worry passes. I refuse to question my every action and motive, because that just leads someone with OCD down a rabbit-hole.