anxiety (of a POCD nature)

about a while ago i joined a lolicon discord server, my implications where to investigate it and report it. to join i had to dm the owner of the server 10 loli images, i did do so by going to an art site that for some reason allows it and then i downloaded the first 10 loli photos i saw and dmed it, i then got into the server and i looked around for a bit, then i reported it. now what im scared about is the loli dm photos, im not scared of my account getting deleted, im scared of a screenshot of it going out on the internet. i have a pretty ok following on x and i'm currently in a relationship. i'm scared of them finding out and then missunderstanding me, thinking that im a lolicon. i never intended to make it look like that and i am really bad at apologies. i am not and never will be attracted to children and i regret getting the idea of joining in the first place, i had seen people doing it online and thought it would be interesting. i am on the verge of deleting my account and creating an alt just to remove the evidence that it was me, all i want is to not be hated.

Wanted to come back and say that i had looked at that stuff before, when i saw it i had gotten aroused. i am scared of ending up being attracted to that stuff. ive deleted everything that would give me access to it, i still have bluesky and such but i have blocked all words related to that stuff. at one point i had been curious and had found a video of (i wont make it too gross) a real child being put in a suspicious situation. i had downloaded it at that time on my phone and deleted it the same day, it happened a few times over those a few months. the videos were deleted the same day as well. i can at least explain that i am not attracted to it yet i have a giant ammount of anxiety of being attracted to children in the future of my life, thats why im putting down restrictions (all this happened around age 13-14) so i didn't really think about consequences. i am trying to cut all of it out of my life and just hope for the best.(i dont feel an attraction to this btw, i only really felt it when i saw it, i knew it was bad and i didnt want to feel like that) thank you for listening, i love you all. if you want to, please feel free to give advice on how to calm myself when anxiety about this (and the first post) kick in.

i did a reply about more stuff like this. but i forgot to clarify that i am not attracted to that stuff currently, i am scared of BEING attracted to it in the future. i am not currently attracted to anything related to children, and i haven't been ever since. i also don't fully believe i'll end up being attracted to it. i think figured out that i may have pocd (pedophile ocd) where (from what i know) is where someone is scared of being a pedo. i will say after reading some peoples stuff on here, i have less anxiety about it. this was a comment to just clarify that im not attracted to it because i dont believe i put it that well in the one which is waiting or approval

Since this is taking a OCD-style anxious obsession tone, this thread's been moved to the obsessive-compulsive forum, as posts on this kind of thing are legion in OCD forum.

I find it to be stretching things a lot, when someone underage looks up underage content and worries about being a pedo/hebe/ephebophile. You're curious, and as in the real world, adolescents experiment with each other, I don't think it's too outrageous to expect an attraction for underage content.

Of course, that doesn't change the illegal nature of such content- although in the case of your initial post, Loli isn't universally illicit, as some countries (rightly, I think) declare Loli to not only not involve real people, but also not show a predisposition to actually being a pedo, hebe, or ephebophile. In any event, personally I steer clear of anything that tickles my OCD, whether it's actually illegal for me, or not, and suggest anyone with anxiety issues follows suit. Checking is bad- once you decide you're not comfortable with something, illegal or not, it should be studiously stayed away from. And, obviously, anything definitely illegal should be treated as if it were made out of molten lava and seeded with Ebola.

I'm glad you're starting to have a little less anxiety- especially in regards to the Loli- a lot of people have run into that and come here to post their anxiety over it. Best thing is just to stay away from anything that makes you uncomfortable. Personally, I have no intellectual argument against Loli or ageplay or anything like that so long as actual minors aren't involved- but I am OCD, and I understand that I could easily find myself feeling as if I'm doing wrong, or might get in trouble, or might become a hebephile or something. I'd sooner not fall into any of those traps, so I don't seek out anything that I feel is a bit suspect. If I let myself, I could easily talk myself into POCD fears, so I keep a tight control over that sort of thing and keep myself from getting myself into trouble, if only trouble in my own mind.

Snaga wrote:Since this is taking a OCD-style anxious obsession tone, this thread's been moved to the obsessive-compulsive forum, as posts on this kind of thing are legion in OCD forum.

I find it to be stretching things a lot, when someone underage looks up underage content and worries about being a pedo/hebe/ephebophile. You're curious, and as in the real world, adolescents experiment with each other, I don't think it's too outrageous to expect an attraction for underage content.

Of course, that doesn't change the illegal nature of such content- although in the case of your initial post, Loli isn't universally illicit, as some countries (rightly, I think) declare Loli to not only not involve real people, but also not show a predisposition to actually being a pedo, hebe, or ephebophile. In any event, personally I steer clear of anything that tickles my OCD, whether it's actually illegal for me, or not, and suggest anyone with anxiety issues follows suit. Checking is bad- once you decide you're not comfortable with something, illegal or not, it should be studiously stayed away from. And, obviously, anything definitely illegal should be treated as if it were made out of molten lava and seeded with Ebola.

I'm glad you're starting to have a little less anxiety- especially in regards to the Loli- a lot of people have run into that and come here to post their anxiety over it. Best thing is just to stay away from anything that makes you uncomfortable. Personally, I have no intellectual argument against Loli or ageplay or anything like that so long as actual minors aren't involved- but I am OCD, and I understand that I could easily find myself feeling as if I'm doing wrong, or might get in trouble, or might become a hebephile or something. I'd sooner not fall into any of those traps, so I don't seek out anything that I feel is a bit suspect. If I let myself, I could easily talk myself into POCD fears, so I keep a tight control over that sort of thing and keep myself from getting myself into trouble, if only trouble in my own mind.

thanks for the reply, i've basically gotten over the whole ilegality thing, only thing i'm somewhat scared of is getting canceled online for this. but i did speak with my dad about it and he helped me and told me that it was the past and to just let it go. i feel much better now thanks to my parents and the lovely people on here.