Am i the first person who acted on my intrusive thoughts?

I'm tired, about what happened in my last post the doubt came back, I've been trying for almost 1 week and 5 days to anakize this and be sure what really happened. You have no idea how bad I feel, I feel a knot in my chest and I just want to disappear. I regret coming here is that I have nowhere to go, I can't lean on family because if they knew what I did, they would be disappointed. Please someone help me, all I want is to know if that such an atrocity: while I was masturbating at the end I used the arousal sensations that the intrusive thought gave me while I was in the back of my mind. I know this just reinforces the cycle of the toc, but I can't live with the anguish of not knowing what really happened. My chest hurts, what do I do? I would be the first person who acted without compulsion in their intrusive thoughts. What can I do? This is too immoral. The only thing I know is that I do not desire sexually or romantically this person, when I see her it is only family love. What do I do? The anguish kills me and I don't know what to do. I already got a psychologist, but I haven't talked about this. I am afraid to know the truth. I will describe what really happened and I am sorry to be explicit, but I want you to know how it really was or what happened objectively. I was therefore in post climax and I was touching myself to intensify the last sensations while I saw a person in the front of my mind (it was not sexual or desire that person, I thought it for I do not know, I just know it was not to fantasize, it is the same person that I use to avoid thought of the intrusive person) and in that comes the intrusive thought that was present in the back of my mind and not very clear and it was not sexual, and as these thoughts give me groinal response or conditioned arousal, I think that while I was observing both thoughts and as the intrusive thought gives me arousal automatically, those sensations came while I was touching myself and I used them to be touching myself or as they came I didn't stop and I followed them and continued using them to intensify the arousal as I did when I was touching myself to intensify the last feelings of post climax. And here comes the doubt: I think that really happened and I used the sensations that the thought provokes and used them to touch me, for pleasure? Acting on my intrusive thoughts and it wasn't compulsion, it was deliberate. I feel like it was that if this happened I was just using the sensations that the thought provoked but I wasn't manipulating the content of the thought or making it sexual, I was just static... you know what I'm saying? It wasn't compulsion, it was deliberate, I acted on them probably. I have analyzed a lot and there is evidence that it didn't happen, but more and more doubts came and more and more doubts came. That it probably wasn't conscious but then it was conscious and I don't know. I will ignore the great analysis that I did. And you can give me your opinion and I can accept that I did the worst and it hurts me but at the same time I don't want to accept because I'm not sure if that happened, but it seems like it did and I don't know, I don't know. Sorry and thank you. I'm just desperate and I have nowhere to go.

I have a solution now I'm better now I know I can't delete this sk I think it okay. Maybe it can be helpful to others so they don't feel alone as I did

February 22th 2025: After so much time this didn't really happen, I mean it did happen but apparently from so much analysis I exaggerated it and it wasn't so bad. As I was pushing the thoughts (compulsion) more came and well, unfortunately now something else happened. It's amazing how I could have a false memory of what happened.

lesshopesishopeless wrote:I'm tired, about what happened in my last post the doubt came back, I've been trying for almost 1 week and 5 days to anakize this and be sure what really happened. You have no idea how bad I feel, I feel a knot in my chest and I just want to disappear. I regret coming here is that I have nowhere to go, I can't lean on family because if they knew what I did, they would be disappointed. Please someone help me, all I want is to know if that such an atrocity: while I was masturbating at the end I used the arousal sensations that the intrusive thought gave me while I was in the back of my mind. I know this just reinforces the cycle of the toc, but I can't live with the anguish of not knowing what really happened. My chest hurts, what do I do? I would be the first person who acted without compulsion in their intrusive thoughts. What can I do? This is too immoral. The only thing I know is that I do not desire sexually or romantically this person, when I see her it is only family love. What do I do? The anguish kills me and I don't know what to do. I already got a psychologist, but I haven't talked about this. I am afraid to know the truth. I will describe what really happened and I am sorry to be explicit, but I want you to know how it really was or what happened objectively. I was therefore in post climax and I was touching myself to intensify the last sensations while I saw a person in the front of my mind (it was not sexual or desire that person, I thought it for I do not know, I just know it was not to fantasize, it is the same person that I use to avoid thought of the intrusive person) and in that comes the intrusive thought that was present in the back of my mind and not very clear and it was not sexual, and as these thoughts give me groinal response or conditioned arousal, I think that while I was observing both thoughts and as the intrusive thought gives me arousal automatically, those sensations came while I was touching myself and I used them to be touching myself or as they came I didn't stop and I followed them and continued using them to intensify the arousal as I did when I was touching myself to intensify the last feelings of post climax. And here comes the doubt: I think that really happened and I used the sensations that the thought provokes and used them to touch me, for pleasure? Acting on my intrusive thoughts and it wasn't compulsion, it was deliberate. I feel like it was that if this happened I was just using the sensations that the thought provoked but I wasn't manipulating the content of the thought or making it sexual, I was just static... you know what I'm saying? It wasn't compulsion, it was deliberate, I acted on them probably. I have analyzed a lot and there is evidence that it didn't happen, but more and more doubts came and more and more doubts came. That it probably wasn't conscious but then it was conscious and I don't know. I will ignore the great analysis that I did. And you can give me your opinion and I can accept that I did the worst and it hurts me but at the same time I don't want to accept because I'm not sure if that happened, but it seems like it did and I don't know, I don't know. Sorry and thank you. I'm just desperate and I have nowhere to go.

Please I would appreciate it if you could give me an answer. I have not seen much about this what happened
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How can I move forward? How can I forgive myself? I was in a dream half awake and half asleep, many times I had these dreams, thoughts would come and make me climax and I would squeeze my legs and I would get it, but those times it was me checking my reaction or sometimes they would come without warning, but this time it was different. I couldn't climax, I would squeeze my legs and I really wanted to calm that feeling and release the tension but I couldn't so I reminded myself that those intrusive thoughts make me come right away and I thought them, I decided to think them and I don't know if it was before or after or during I told myself that this doesn't mean anything, that it's just the feelings for the checks that so if I was attracted to them and I trained my body to react to them out of fear and compulsions and that this could happen with another person or thing if the OCD had obsessed over it. But doesn't this make me worse? I saw other cases and a girl also with ocd did that, resorted to intrusive thoughts of mother when she couldn't climax and I read another post where a guy heard a psychologist say that some people use intrusive thoughts or it can happen by accident to climax when they can't climax. And it's like a bubble, the thought is inside the bubble and because of past compulsions (testing) they have attached these feelings of fear or groinal arousal. And it doesn't mean anything about the person. But I can't stop feeling sad and guilty and I’m not attracted to this person( he’s a fam member important to me) when I see him I don’t feel sexual attraction just family love this is really painful I hate all of this
But I can't stop feeling bad. I have analyzed this too many times and I calm down and think I am not alone but I feel sad or something bad happens and I fall back and the guilt comes back and it really hurts me so much. It hurts me to see my family. I don't know what to do. It would be forgivable if it had been a compulsion but it wasn't, I chose to think that thought in order to climax. It was for a second, the image was not even sexual x but the slightest image or idea of that intrusive thought triggers this response in me and I chose that when I was half awake and asleep and climaxed. Please give me an answer. This was not because of the toc it was not compulsion and that makes me feel bad and well I was not the only one who my have done it, still I feel very bad and sad it hurts me a lot and I can't stand it. The guilt doesn't go away and I try to fix it but it keeps coming back. I really want to give up I can’t sleep it’s 1am and I’ve been crying almost all day. I really want to die. I’m even scared of sleeping I don’t want that this happen again but gladly I can manage it is terrible because I don’t want to masturbate half awake/asleep this never happened before all this ocd $#%^. It’s too much I can’t do this anymore I can’t find peace anywhere I can’t rely on anybody because I don’t deserve it I feel terrible a monster I don’t know I just want to die I came here hopefully u can understand me and if not I don’t know I just feel so alone this is the worst I never asked for this and sorry for grammar I never did anything bad why am I going through this I want this to stop

I’m not a psychologist and don’t have OCD but I saw a post that seemed relevant. I hope it’s helpful!

catnaps wrote:If you have a fear of being attracted to something, and you have OCD, your mind will invariably bring up those thoughts. It doesn’t confirm at all that you are what you fear, it only confirms that you still fear it. The same is true of where you might glance. If there’s something disgusting right in front of us, many people involuntarily glance at it even though they don’t want to.
The important thing here is that you reacted negatively to your eyes briefly checking out your mom and a young girl. You cannot be blamed for a thought that pops into your head you didn’t want or your eyes glancing at something you don’t want to glance at.
The more you fear it, the more it’s likely to happen. It’s just the way OCD works.If you trust yourself and ignore those glances or intrusive thoughts, the fear will eventually subside and stop happening.

You have said this is an intrusive thought, not a real desire so you should accept it as such. The fact that you have it tied to sexual feelings gives it exaggerated power based on hormones not on reality. It sounds like something to work on not feel guilt. Your brain is telling you lies. You’re not a bad person!

I heard someone say when they got intrusive thoughts, instead of being triggered by it they made “friends” with it and would say, “oh, there you are again. I was expecting you. See you later. Bye!” Or something like that.

I don’t know of any of this helps but at least you know you’ve been heard and someone cares. Please don’t beat yourself up. You’ve admitted you have a problem. That’s the first step to solving it. One of my favorite quotes is “when you’re going through hell, KEEP GOING!”

Wishing you all the best!;

Thank you so so much for your words and time. I appreciate it a lot! But the fact that I decided to think about them like using them to reach climax makes me feel really bad but I guess I have to let it go… the guilt is strong. Thanks for reading me and for your advices. Hope you have a great day/night. Thank you so much

Hello Lesshope!

I'm assuming this has something to do with your other thread (which I may choose to merge this one with), concerning intrusive thoughts?

Perhaps I missed it, what the intrusive thought was, in that other thread- I'm assuming (because it's terribly common) something of a POCD nature? Or were they of a HOCD nature? Not that I'm sure it matters, other than in the small details.

And if so, is that what you were thinking while half-asleep?

I've woken from dreams, erotic dreams, taboo dreams in which I was the person perpetrating the taboo act. And, half-asleep, I have been known to ramble along what the dream started, half-awake, half-asleep, sort of fantasizing but half dream-like as well. To the point of then getting awake enough to masturbate to the thoughts.

Which doesn't make me the sort of person that would do what was going on in the dream. Far from it.

Of course, being OCD, it'd be very easy to let it get inside my head and worry about it. So I both remind myself that I am not necessarily my sexual thoughts; and also I am very careful not to often have the same sort of fantasies or thoughts when wide awake- I can't control what I dream about, that's just too complex a thing and there's never any telling what a dream could mean, or if it means anything at all. So I try not to stress it, even when it spills into the (half) conscious world. But I can decide to not fantasize or think things that make me uncomfortable, especially when they're not a core part of my being. Having said that, however, keep in mind that once you get an OCD-like obsession/worry about something, it's awfully hard not to think it. It's like having a broken tooth or a sore in your mouth- you keep pestering it and pestering it. Same thing when a person's gripped in a pretty bad OCD episode, it's just too easy to think about that thing that disturbs you, over and over. Lord knows enugh people in this forum have done it, repeatedly. Still doesn't make them whatever it is that was spiking their anxiety. And doesn't make you a bad person, either.

Snaga wrote:Hello Lesshope!

I'm assuming this has something to do with your other thread (which I may choose to merge this one with), concerning intrusive thoughts?

Perhaps I missed it, what the intrusive thought was, in that other thread- I'm assuming (because it's terribly common) something of a POCD nature? Or were they of a HOCD nature? Not that I'm sure it matters, other than in the small details.

And if so, is that what you were thinking while half-asleep?

I've woken from dreams, erotic dreams, taboo dreams in which I was the person perpetrating the taboo act. And, half-asleep, I have been known to ramble along what the dream started, half-awake, half-asleep, sort of fantasizing but half dream-like as well. To the point of then getting awake enough to masturbate to the thoughts.

Which doesn't make me the sort of person that would do what was going on in the dream. Far from it.

Of course, being OCD, it'd be very easy to let it get inside my head and worry about it. So I both remind myself that I am not necessarily my sexual thoughts; and also I am very careful not to often have the same sort of fantasies or thoughts when wide awake- I can't control what I dream about, that's just too complex a thing and there's never any telling what a dream could mean, or if it means anything at all. So I try not to stress it, even when it spills into the (half) conscious world. But I can decide to not fantasize or think things that make me uncomfortable, especially when they're not a core part of my being. Having said that, however, keep in mind that once you get an OCD-like obsession/worry about something, it's awfully hard not to think it. It's like having a broken tooth or a sore in your mouth- you keep pestering it and pestering it. Same thing when a person's gripped in a pretty bad OCD episode, it's just too easy to think about that thing that disturbs you, over and over. Lord knows enugh people in this forum have done it, repeatedly. Still doesn't make them whatever it is that was spiking their anxiety. And doesn't make you a bad person, either.

Thank you so much for your answer, snaga! These thoughts are not fantasies at all and this just happened once (that I decide to think abt them but these dreams where I’m masturbating I can’t reach climax but the thought appears and it triggers orgasm and The thought Provokes orgasm so I follow it and squeeze my legs together all of this HAPPENS when I’m half awake asleep, just before fully waking up) and I never do it in when I’m awakeI even stopped masturbating because I was scared of the thoughts because they provoke an orgasm or gave me groinal responses, this never happened before I started obsessing with these thoughts about my fam member… and the image (thoughts about a family member) I thought wasn’t even sexual, I only thought about it for 2 or 3 seconds and IIt’s weird because it gives me this feeling of anxiety or arousal that makes me climax… just the idea of the thought triggers an orgasm… when it’s even not sexual! II don’t know, it’s like I trained my brain to react like this, when in the past I used to test myself if I had a reaction to the thoughts of this fam member…How can I stop this connection/reaction? and thanks for your help and time! Hope you have a great day/night!

How are you doing? Do you suffer from Incest OCD?

KidDJ wrote:How are you doing? Do you suffer from Incest OCD?

Hello! Thanks for asking. I’m not fine at all, well at least better than yesterday, one thing happened and I’m scared because this wasn’t a compulsion, and if it’s not a compulsion it wasn’t because of ocd and iits harder for me to forgive myself and now I think this is real event ocd, I’m trying to forgive myself. I’ve been anxious since I woke up And yes, I suffer from incest ocd. Hope you are okay