Please why why

This happened again. I just want to die, the guilt and pain is killing me. I really want to die and if this doesn't get better when my birthday comes around I'm really going to leave, I don't deserve to be here, I deserve to suffer, I'm sure this is not ocd, although deep down I want to believe that it is. I am not this, I never wanted this and I will never want it. My head hurts from crying so much, I feel that I am playing the victim, I really don't know. I just want this to end, I don't want this. I was m#sturbating and I didn't want to do it, in fact I always avoid it because those thoughts come and I go into the horrible cycle again. I tried to just concentrate on the sensations, when I felt the climax near, an image of this person comes, and I felt the same feeling of wanting to climax, this happened many times, and at that very moment I thought of another person to avoid this thought of a family member, and I wanted to replicate the same feeling of wanting to climax, I concentrated on this other person but at the same time there was the image of that relative and every time I saw him it made me feel like I wanted to climax and I saw the other person and I think it also made me feel that, I do not remember and then I could not replicate it so I decided to continue with the climax (that this image of family member produced) and I concentrated on the sensation. Do you know what it means? I feel like I masturbated and used that thought of this family member. I don't even know why I tell it, but i deserve to being looked at with disgust and hatred. I was fine, I was, but every time I wanted to do this m#sturbation thing, things like that happen, even when I read, it's everywhere, it's overwhelming and that's why I avoid almost everything. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry

With OCD it’s so easy to trick yourself into believing horrific things about yourself, especially sexually. When it comes to that extreme anxiety coupled with sexual thoughts and feelings, you could truly convince yourself you’re attracted to anything through checking while masturbating, or thinking of something you don’t want to around when you orgasm.
In the end, I think you know there is nothing to this aside from your OCD. You fear you’re a certain type of person, but you are not actually that person or else it wouldn’t be tormenting you so much. OCD/Anxiety is so cruel in that regard, that it can give you extreme doubt about yourself. But you CANNOT ever check to see if you’re attracted to something or give any credence to unwanted thoughts that pop into your head. I know it feels messed up to just ignore those thoughts, but I promise that by doing so the anxiety around them will go away and then the thoughts themselves will go away.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but this is just your OCD, it’s not you.

Hello catnaps, thank you again for your answer. The things is that I think I don't have anxiety, back then I used to have it when these situations happened, my heartbeats were fast, but now that doesn't happen, I think, i dont knowww. Sometimes my heart beats very fast in other situations related to these thoughts... what if I didn't have anxiety in these situations anymore? I know I need to stop doubting but it is so difficult... thank you

-- Sun Jul 21, 2024 3:54 pm --

The only thing that Im sure I feel, that happened before, is that I know that those thoughts are going to come and I'm kind of anticipating and of course I don't want them, sometimes it's like everything freezes and the thoughts come and the feelings or I know that these thoughts are going to come and I try not to see them or I think of someone else or I concentrate on some object, but they still come....