Has anyone experienced this with HOCD

So let me start with thiewe things. I know no one can say what I am, I am just looking for input from fellow HOCD sufferers.

I’ve never had these thoughts before the following moment. I have however seen how guys could be good looking solely from. Woman’s perspective and yes I’ve thought Chris hemsworth was good looking at one point but nothing more than that.

I have no problem with gays and have gay friends in the past and an Uncle who was gay who my nan hated and I fought to defend him at the age of 15 and his right to be who he is and we should be happy and accept who he is. I stand by that to this day and am extremely happy for him even if his mother wants to be a total b***h

I’ve always felt awkward in locker rooms hate being around naked guys and always prefer to go home and take a shower I'm the privacy of my own home. I just don’t like being naked around people who aren’t my partner period. I also have a very frail skinny body and got ridiculed for it constantly even by my kendo teacher in the locker rooms and in the pub. Which did make me want to look at guys to see how inferior my body was which reinforced more negative self image.


I’ve always wanted a girl and I finally met someone and we are engaged and I truly love her with all my heart and would give my life for her in an instant.

She is however my first love at the age of 31 now 32, we are in a very long distance relationship but have met up multiple times.

When we first kissed I didn’t like it it freaked me out that it didn’t and I left. Following times I got this uncontrollable urge to throw her to the ground grab her breasts and pussy and just embrace her fully. I didn’t understand why I just did. I Still didn’t feel like I enjoyed missing. I did love eating her out though.
However when I didn’t like kissing she asked if I was gay, she kept on asking multiple times. It forced me to test myself. So I briefly looked at gay porn it freaked m out and scared me. Not because I liked it but because once I registered what I was sewing it personally disgusted me. Now I’m not saying gay sex with men is disgusting, it’s just not for me in the same way a gay guy probably wouldn’t like eating a woman out or pounding her pussy. Different strokes for different folks.

Now suddenly for the first times after her asking if I was. I saw a guy got a rush found him attractive and wondered if he was single. I then started finding guys I knew for years suddenly attractive when I know I don’t actually find them sexually attractive. A guy I assumed was gay then smiled at me on the bus. I then smiled back wondered what his deal was and who the other guy with him was and if he was interested in me.

Both of these thoughts made me sick panic and anxious because that is not the me I known yet they felt so real. It happened again one more time.

Before this she kept on insisting I don’t cheat on her and I actually started wondering if other women were single and imagined kissing them which also shook me to my core because that’s not the guy I am.

It’s swapped from women to guys. When I used to watch porn and see say a gang bang or bukkake video it would focus on the guys jerking off and I hated it I don’t want to see guys jerking off and I still don’t. I watched this video with this girl and two guys and the guts started doing gay stuff I did not like it, it was not for me I instantly turned it off and lost all arousal.
I recently looked at gay porn as a compulsion and got 0 arousal. Intact my dick shrinked. I loomed at it and was like I should be aroused right I should be mastibating right I like guys now but nothing. As soon as I swapped to images of sexy women I was mastibating imagining sexual stuff and wanting to so stuff to them.

So everything seems pretty clear cut right. The fact I used to think this with other women when she suggested I may cheat on her because of the distance so I panicked and had thoughts about that. Then she asked if I’m gay and now I’m packing about that. Gay porn does not arouse me being with guys does not arouse me 99% of the time occasional o feel something but I think it’s because I’m focusing on how it feels and not the person.

I can’t stop finding guys attractive, then the same guy unattractive then 3 hours later attractive again. That experience I had when I wondered if that guy was single and feeling jealousy over the guy who looked at me however has me majorly doubting what seems to be obvious.

Has anyone with HOCD ever experienced jealousy like this or wondering if a guy is single. I feel like this suggests Bi but the sexual thoughts actually freak me out and have got to the point of making me physically vomiting. I don’t want to suck a dick and I don’t want to ###$ an asshole not even a woman’s. But those two experiences just have me stuck in a loop.

Is it possible where I truly thought I was gay/bi that I just instinctively acted like that because my brain convinced myself of it. Which would explain why I felt so sick afterwards, because that is not and has never been me up until the constant questioning of if I was gay. I know I can’t be gay because I still dig my lady and women very much so and they are the only sex that gets me aroused and wanting to have sex.

I've had amazing conversations with attractive guys been worried I'm sexually attractive in person yet there was 0 attraction. I was convinced I would be attractive because we got on on a very deep level yet nothing.

I'm at a point where going to the office makes me sick, being around guys makes me sick and I just can't live anymore. I am physically vomiting.