POCD, real events, pornography addiction; I'm scared

I've struggled with watching pornography for several years. It's been going on since I was a young teenager and I've exposed myself to a lot of things that I look back on with regret and shame. There have been instance where I looked at pornographic content featuring fictional characters that were around my age at the time and I didn't see a problem with that when I was younger. Now I feel really horrible about it. Absolutely disgusted. Nowadays when I relapse and look for porn, I only want to find pornography featuring fictional women that look like adults or whoever my go to characters are. Even then, sometimes I see disturbing things as I scroll through playlists or search results that have nothing to do with what I'm looking for. I hate it. I absolutely hate when I see a character being put in a scenario like that when I don't want to see it by any means but it shows up anyway. I feel like I'm a true p sometimes because of this. There's always been several occasions where I've doubted the person's age in a video whether real or fake. That drives me crazy. Especially when there's character's whose age aren't officially stated but can be hinted to be a young adult. I know I'm not attracted to children nor would I ever want to be but the thoughts about it don't go away.

I also don't like how I've escalated to different videos when I was badly addicted. It always felt like I needed to go the extra mile to get the same dopamine as I did before. I don't feel like I need to escalate now but I do a lot of surfing with content to find the best one that truly fits.

It was so much worse when I was a teenager. It was like I didn't seem to have limits when it came to what I watched at times. I'm glad I don't do that anymore but I'm still really upset that I've fallen this far into my addiction and to this day it's still hard not to watch pornography. I don't know what to think of myself. I just feel bad about myself because of this along with a lot of things in the past. I'm just afraid that this isn't all chalked up to POCD.

I constantly think about one time where I surfed through watching videos of characters I was comfortable with but the channel that I thought only had adults there had one character that I was uncertain about their age. By the time this video showed up it was already at the point of no return. After that I just kept looking up the age for this character and many sources said 18 while I think I was 19 or 20 but I still had doubts.

I really don't want to do this anymore but I just feel so weak in saying no. I just feel powerless against the urges at times.