I know this is not me, but why this happened??

I was better from thoughts, dreams about my theme. Actually this has happened a few times, I want to hear other people's opinion to tell me it is ocd and then I feel better. I always feel like what's stressing me is real and I get depressed, stressed when I don't know if what happened was ocd. It sucks, it makes me feel really bad and the hate, disappointment, sadness to myself only grows.
Well it has happened to me a few times, dreams half asleep and half awake. I feel like I'm in control of what I think and I think I am. I am. I want to be sincere, so you don't change your opinion on this. And I dream sexual dreams, Im noticing the sensations it makes me feel. This has already happening three times, but I get over the crisis when I find out that I thought those thoughts on purpose because it was a compulsion of "checking", if it is a compulsion it means that it is because of ocd and not because I want those thoughts.
So I was in that half awake/sleep state and I had a sexual dream, I had arousal, in the dream I was masturbating, I was thinking about different people because I wanted to climax fast, something like that. So a sexual body part appeared that the related)? with that relative that is why i am stressed out with my life and that I never saw before in that way... I thought that sexual image like a movie, i feel disgusting, with that relative and in that same asleep/awake state I thought something and I noticed that it didn't make me come faster, so I'm sure I thought about it again and there it did make me climax. (When this happened i tried and thought about other people to make me feel the same like the thought of that relative did and I felt that arousal too) I'm not sure if I thought about it twice, but I feel like it did, and if it didn't it's still okay? What do you think? But what I am sure happened was that, that thought of "it didn't make me climax fast or when I thought about it I didn't feel that (the fast climax), so that's why I'm sure i thought about it twice.

SO MY QUESTION IS, was it some kind of compulsion? I know my questions are compulsions too, but I want to know, I can't leave it like that. If I leave it like that I just get even more depressed and just want to die.

I have even avoided seeing that family member since before, because I don't want to, the thoughts, all of these... The guilt and hatred I feel for myself only grows, I would self-harm, but I promised never to do it again, once for hitting myself with the corner of the bed my hand was very bruised and in pain, that bruise that remained there served me as a reminder not to hurt myself again, it hurt me a lot to see my body hurt, it also ruined me, I just wanted to stop crying and concentrate on something other than the pain and stress of these thoughts / things that have happened.

Also at the same time I try to sympathize a little because I don't want this, it hurts, it feels like I want it, but I wasn't like that before. I guess making a big deal out of it only makes it worse. Come to think of it, I always had an abhorrence for sex, and it's probably because my younger brother's father touched me as a child, plus I was exposed to sexual content as a child. Many times I would start crying because I thought, "why didn't I stop that man from touching me" I blamed myself a lot and felt really dirty, disgusting.

And well now and since that happened sex made me (still does) very uncomfortable and gave me a weird feeling. So surprise! My thoughts are sexual attacking what matters most to me. My family, a fictional character. Before the sexual thoughts were with that fictional character, I know it's stupid, but I love that character very much and of course, now the focus is with that family member that I love very much. And now it's all over here. I would really like to die, but I can't give that pain to my mother. But it hurts me so so much when she gets worried about me, what would she think if she knew? It hurts me to live, but it would hurt her even more if I died, I don't know. Thank you if you've read this, probably not a big deal to you, but thank you. There is no worse thing than feeling alone.

This gives me hope that is ocd because back then I never had this kind of sexual dreams, and half sleep/awake sexual dreams. This started because of this.
I also ended up here because yes, I used to test a looot myself while masturbating to see if those thoughts (with that familiar) could make me feel something. I tried many times and then, dreams happened, half awake dreams/dreaming. I would get these sexual thoughts. I felt like I was touching myself while they were there or not pushing them away. And I analyzed a lot, why was that happening, oh because of OCD. Ok, that means it's not the real me. I seem to keep falling into the traps. And well, this has all unfolded up to here.

I also don't want to die, because I never asked for this, also maybe I suffer because i feel i deserve it. I can't even feel a moment of happiness because i remember this and tell myself, "why are you here smiling? You don't deserve it, you need to make sure that what happened was because of ocd, then you can feel happiness, otherwise no!"
it seems very unfair and it makes me angry. Why do I have to go through this? What did I do? I was always helping everyone... that has always been my reason for living, studying and helping others. Helping them to avoid going through what I've been through... really that's the only thing that keeps me here and the small hope that this is because of ocd.

Now I know. Same thing again... I'm kind of upset about myself. Now I'm sure, but feel sad because i couldn't ignore this problem