Sorry for coming back, i need your help. One last time

[23.1., 17:38] leslie: Since I started with this intrusive thoughts thing, it started when I masturbated. I mean, when I did it once, the image of someone I didn't want came to my mind. That's when it all started. It's been 4 years now and now those thoughts are with a family member. I have had many triggers and compulsions. So I hardly ever masturbate, and if I did, I did a thousand things in my mind to control the thought. My mistake was to start checking to see if I felt anything when I masturbated with the image of that family member. I felt horrible, I still feel bad. I never did these things before. That happened many times. What happened today, I would like to know if it is because of all this that happened and because of the ocd. I was masturbating, and of course I thought about the situation that these thoughts come during these moments. At first I was just concentrating on the sensation and getting to climax. Then comes a thought of that familiar's face, which makes me come faster to orgasm, I stopped paying attention to it. It was about 3-5 seconds that it appeared. I didn't stop touching myself, I wanted to climax alone. I should have stopped and redirected to something else. And start again and reach climax not because of that thought. I think also in the back of my mind sexual image appeared, but I didn't pay much attention and thought of another random person. It's not the first time something like this has happened, but it's killing me not knowing. Is this because of ocd?
[23.1., 17:46] leslie: The only thing I am sure about is that I NEVER did these things before, nor did they happen to me. In fact, I never thought about people or anything when I masturbated, I just concentrated on the sensation. My question is, that time that intrusive thought appeared that made me climax, I stopped paying attention to it, I wanted to climax, then I think sexual thought appeared at the back of my mind, I didn't pay attention to them, I don't know if it made me feel any sensation, at the end I thought of another random person, it may still be because of the ocd? Am I an incestuous person? Am I bad? I feel very sad. It depresses me not knowing, when I know why it happens, I am relieved and feel happy. I also fear that because I already knew other people had this happen to them, I would reassure myself and say it is still ocd. What if I knew that but took it as an excuse and did these things because I actually like it and not because it is part of ocd? I really feel lost. When I see this family member, I don't feel any sexual or romantic attraction, it really hurts me that this is happening. It depresses me. I know I'm not this, but the fact that I know this and this keeps happening, makes me think I'm actually a disgusting person. I know ocd ignores logic, but I'm confused and lost. I hurt and sometimes feel nothing. I'm just tired and I don't want this anymore. By saying this it seems like I'm lying and that I really want it. It seems like I'm lying and I'm a disgusting person after all. Also my brother had ocd. Contamination ocd. My mom had it too. Do that sometimes gives me hope that this is part of ocd/bc of ocd.


I don't know but i fee like alleviated when i tell this to other people that understand ocd. I really hope this is part of ocd and not because I'm using ocd as an excuse and I'm a terrible person

Im okay now. After analyzing and asking others if this was ocd... why is it so difficult to be uncertain?

There's a reason OCD is called the Doubting Disease.

lesshopesishopeless wrote:Im okay now. After analyzing and asking others if this was ocd... why is it so difficult to be uncertain?

I know the feeling. It can be strange how life is almost entirely uncertain, and yet the brain will fixate on one thing and constantly nag at you with it. Meanwhile there's a million other things that you just accept as uncertain.
There is a power to the practice of living in the moment. We're always fretting about the future, and ruminating on our past, meanwhile the only time we actually have is the present.

Thank you so much snaga and catnpas. I always fall into these traps. Im lost