Is this a compulsion, is this part of ocd?

Hello again! I guess I'm a disgusting, bad person after all. I don't know how to get out of this. Whenever something happens about my ocd theme (if it is hopefully) I want to know what has happened is because of ocd. I really don't know what to do. I want help, but in the country I am in there is no help (ocd specialist) I don't know if it is ocd that I have. Please just tell me if this is part of ocd. I am desperate, I am getting more and more depressed. I feel so bad, death is all I think about. Sorry again and thanks if you are reading me.

The thing is, i woke up in the morning and went back to sleep. Then I was dreaming, I was half asleep and awake. I think i could control what i was thinking in that state. A person appeared in my dream and I was having s*x with that person. But then whenever something sexual happens, thoughts that I don't want with a family member come. And that happened, I wanted to see or I think I paid attention to that, and the same thing happened, the sexual thought now was with that relative. I didn't want to keep thinking about it, I was kind of paying attention to the sensations that it made me feel, the feelings down there (sorry again if this is disgusting), I don't remember if i wanted to know, this whole day u kept analyzing many times to try to remember every detail of this. And then I thought that same sexual thought again with that family member. My fear is that I did it because I like it. I want to know if this was some compulsion or if this is part of ocd. I really don't know. Or tell me if it's not part of ocd and it's just my true self after all. I am planning to end everything. This is only getting worse. I think about my mother, what kind of daughter does she have? It hurts me like you have no idea. I feel lost. I'm worried, I'm tired, I feel guilty. I feel like a monster. But it's okay for me to suffer, this is what I deserve. But I think at the same time it's so unfair, I never did anything wrong, I was never like that before and these things didn't happen. I feel disappointed and I hate myself too much. Please tell me if this is part of this disorder or not. Am i a incestuous person? I know I want reassurance, but please. Help me. I don't want this. I never wanted this, all I ever wanted was to have a normal relationship with my brother, not this crap. These horrible thoughts and everything that has happened. I feel like I don't deserve to be cared about. I should be dead and suffering in the worst way possible.

-- Tue Jan 09, 2024 6:26 pm --

I hope i dont look like im faking all of this and using ocd as an excuse. Please, tell me? I think I'm faking to feel this way

If I had a dollar for every time someone dreamt the thing they're obsessing over...

It only stands to reason if you're obsessively worrying about something, it stands a chance of intruding into your dreams. Also the people in this forum have shown a remarkable capacity to twist everything to the thing they're obsessing over... because we obsess. It's what we do. I can't say whether you have OCD, but you're doing a good job of it if you don't...

I don't know much about OCD other than I get intrusive thoughts that made therapists think maybe I had it (I don't), but generally it seems that when people are stressed about something and that something interferes enough in their life for them to write an anonymous post somewhere about it asking for help, it usually means that what they are going through at least is real and requires some help.

The thing about intrusive thoughts is, is that it's not specific to OCD alone. Other disorders experience this too. It's usually in your response and way of dealing with these thoughts that people can figure out if it's OCD or something else.

Either way, it's worth checking out with the help of a specialist. Maybe you can find one online?

Best of luck!

~ Grey

Thank you both for your answers! The thing is it was kind of a dream but i was half sleep/awake, so it felt and I think it was that i was deciding in the dream. So then when I was fully awake i was trying to feel the same what i fekt in the half asleep/awake dream/thoughts. It kind of worries me. But i saw a person that happened the same to her... I hooe this is bc of ocd.

From the way you're obsessing over it, I suspect it might be OCD related, but I'm not a licensed psychologist or psychiatrist and even if I were, I don't know you well enough.

I advise you ask a therapist about it and meanwhile look for advice to deal with intrusive thoughts and obsessions regarding those thoughts.