Sexual unwanted thoughts

Sorry for being here again, but i just feel so sad, so guilty. I can't continue.
But yeah, hello! I have a question. I am having a hard time now noticing what compulsions I have, I want to know so I can not do them. I have also been crying almost every day because of something that happened, they are similar situations. When I mstrbte, thoughts always come to my mind, they are of my main theme. It has happened many times and now often, but now I don't masturbate for the same thing anymore, I don't want to continue in this spiral when horrible thoughts come to my mind.

The problem is this: I was so stressed and the damn thoughts kept coming to my mind, it was one after another and the groinal responses wouldn't stop. I was so stressed and fed up, I wanted to get rid of that feeling. So I mstrbted. I was annoyed with this situation and focused on my thing. Then I was concentrating n the feeling. But then I thought something like, "oh, THOSE thoughts" and well, then they showed up, just like they always do. I think i noticed they were not there, I don't remember if I had them present in the back of my mind. Already at the end I had one of those thoughts, so I quickly thought of someone else and then someone else, I didn't want to finish and keep thinking of those thoughts!

So it's a compulsion, kind of noticing that the thoughts you don't want are not there and and that itself brings attention to them and bam, you end up thinking them?

I feel so down, I know I'm not attracted to this person, but this situation happens and it is so sad and wants me to end everything. Death is all what I think. How can I live while these things happen? But then I think it's better to be alive so I suffer for all this. I deswrve to suffer. I try to have self compassion, but it is so hard when this happens. I feel I don't deserve it. Guilt and depression is killing me

So sorry you're going through this. It can get better.

First of all, checking for a groin response or anything like that won't reliably tell you anything when you have OCD and it's about the subject of your intrusive thoughts. With OCD and intrusive thoughts you could convince yourself you're attracted to literally anything that way. So don't do it because it won't tell you anything, and means nothing.
If the thought is unwanted, then it's an intrusive thought, and it doesn't say anything about you. You should feel no shame or guilt because of it. It's only popping into your head because you have OCD and the thought terrifies you. If it's terrifying you, it's not truly you.

You are going to have to accept that these thoughts have no bearing on your life. That will help you to stop ruminating on the them. The more you ruminate on the thoughts, the deeper you'll go into doubting yourself. Breaking that vicious pattern is an effective way to reduce your OCD and improve your quality of life. And you don't have to do it alone. Sharing this with others makes it easier. So does finding a good therapist, preferably someone who specializes in OCD.

Hello, Catnaps! Thank you so much for your answer. It really means a lot to me. I'm trying to find a specialist, but it is so difficult to find one! And i really hope this is all part of ocd. Im so tired. Im sure im not attracted to this person, it is a fam member. He has a wife and I don't feel jealous at all, I don't look at him and feel deep down, "oh wow I like you or i feel sexual attraction when I see you". No! All what I feel is family love... I hate this, but i know i can get better. Thanks again!