help me please, one last time

I really feel very bad, the only thing I want and think about is to die. Every time I see a car or train passing in front of me I just want to jump out and end this once and for all. How can I go on living after all this. I am a bad, bad, bad person. I don't deserve the people I love to help me. How could they help someone like this. I don't know what I did to make this happen to me. I was always careful not to hurt others and all I wanted was to help others. Why does this have to happen to me? I look back and all I did was help, please others. In my heart there was never a desire to harm others or do things that I consider wrong. God, what did I do? I don't want to die, I don't want to but I don't want to stay, to live. I would like to kill myself the truth, but I think of my mommy, she would not support it, I will not do it because I am afraid, I don't want to die, but I don't want to live like this.
I cry for all those who are going through hard times, I cry for the people who are no longer trying to escape the pain, and I cry even more for the person we were before and could have been without any of this having started. I feel lost. It is getting worse and worse. It seems like everything I didn't want, is reality. I know it's not, but it feels real. I know it's not me, but it feels like it is. But what I came to, what has me this bad now was something that happened. Sorry if this is terrible and descriptive, but I want you to give me your honest opinion taking the details well into account, again. It's okay if you think badly of me, I already do, there's nothing left.

Help me please, one last time, THIS IS LONG TEXT SO SORRY for my grammar, english is not my first language and i dont want to miss any detail in case you change your op or advice for me.

Sorry if this is disgusting, but I was mstrbting and everything was fine, I didn't pay attention to the intrusive thoughts. But the second time I did it I remembered that when you were doing that, (it happens to many people) and thinking about your unwanted thoughts make you to climax faster and that's what happened to me. When I thought that I was mstrbating too and I remembered that and I climaxed faster. But I feel really bad, I shouldn't have done what I did. I wanted to see. I feel like I used the thoughts for pleasure, but i never use people, WAY WORSE family members to "fantasize". This is a problem for me bc everytime I was doing that, instrusive thoughts always appeared, at the climax, or before it. Anytime. ALSO I AVOID mastbtng bc of this issue.

So I continued, I wanted to climax, but THE PROBLEM IS I didn't push the thoughts away from my mind,  also i didnt want to have them in first place, I think that I continued using them to mstrbate like for pleasure, but NO, i just wanted to reach climax and saw the thoughts there. I waas chasing the feeling. Also the thoughts didn't boost the climax, still im scared. Now i dont remeber things clear. Also a few seconds before I finished I thought of someone else to fix that thought and see if I also could climax faster. I know this isn't me but idk man. I feel guilty and hopeless because it felt I used the thoughts for that $#%^ or that im into that stuff.

I just want to know if you have a similar experience and also if you can give me some advice

This happened, but as much as I didn't want to know 100% I ended up doing it. This situation happened again, I was mstbting and of course I didn't want those thoughts to come to my mind, I remembered the past situation and I didn't want the same thing to happen, but it happened, so then, I decided to concentrate looking at the walls of my room, I had my cell phone at hand and seeing the walls was not enough, so I saw the random person from a YouTube video, to distract and avoid those thoughts. And I kept going until I reached climax, ALSO these thoughts didn't boost climax. at the end, always at that moment ugly thoughts come and I thought about other people to avoid thinking about my family member. In the end I don't remember if the same thing happened, (if i thought abt that fam member while touching/climaxing) I keep touching myself, my concern is that, I felt that I use the thoughts for pleasure of THAT FAM MEMBER, I REALKY CANT REMEMBER. I try so hard to remember and recreate the scene n my mind but I cant remember. Also a part of me has done it with other people and I don't want to be with them, I try to apply the same with this relative and sometimes I am very calm and convinced, but then comes again the doubt. My head hurts from crying so much, I had overcome it, but now it is back. MY OTHER QUESTION IS, can ocd make you do things you don't want to do, but they are not compulsions? You know it's not real and many people tell you that and you are convinced, but you feel those feelings and they feel real and those things happen, what happened to me! Help please, one last time. I am already looking for an OCD specialist.

IMPORTANT: Also i don't see my relative and think, "oh wow i want to have s*x with you or damn i feel jealous you have someone by your side" (hes married), HELL NOOO. When I see him its like yay fam member, no romantic/sexual attraction. Thank you sm for your answer

-- Sat Dec 02, 2023 10:27 am --

Also I remember and all of this started from checking or testing, idk. I'm so sad.

Hi. I took a quick glance at your other posts because I wanted to confirm what your intrusive thoughts were about - I won't repeat what they are about, because, in a way, it doesn't matter. Every "theme" is going to seem real and seem like the worst because it is fueled by anxiety and the panic that comes from it.

We have often had members feel like their latest obsession is the worst and wish to return to their previous obsession. But when they do, it becomes the "worst ever". The intensity of the anxiety is the reality, not the obsession, thus all obsessions have the same intensity.

Anyway, as often happens, when anxiety reaches an extreme, depression can ensue. It seems that is what is happening to you.

I don't know where you are or what support is available to you but you need something to help ease the panic you are feeling. I have been where you are many times. It's hard and I feel for you. But that anxiety needs to be turned down, like a flame on a stove.

Thank you so much for your answer! It really means a lot to me. I currently live in Germany. I've tried to find ocd specialists, but I don't find one yet