Feeling really defeated

This post is probably going to be all over the place so I apologize in advance.

Anyway, I've been talking to a girl for a little while now and I think I like her, but I'm also really worried and feel like I don't and I'm just faking it due to compulsory heterosexuality. It really sucks because I don't want to try and go forward with anything if I'm not really straight because I don't want to hurt her or anyone else because of this.

Due to all of that I started the bad habit of testing again. I did the usual testing erections to both and then moved on to masturbating to both. I started off with straight porn and didn't really feel anything so I stopped and waited a little bit and then tried the same thing with gay porn and within a minute I felt like orgasming which I ended up doing when I switched to straight porn for a minute. I know testing is bad, but surely a straight male wouldn't have that happen to him right? Like quick orgasms to gay porn, but it feels like a chore to achieve with straight porn.

I always dreamt of starting a family and all that, but it just seems like I was deluding myself. Do I seem gay from this? Can OCD even cause this stuff with arousal like that? I'd really appreciate input and I know I need to get help, but I'm so worried that what I'm afraid of is right

If anxiety masturbating to gay porn can cause orgasm then why does it not seem to do the same with straight if I'm using the same anxious thoughts

geasu wrote:If anxiety masturbating to gay porn can cause orgasm then why does it not seem to do the same with straight if I'm using the same anxious thoughts

You're not going to get the same reaction out of looking at straight porn because it's truly not the thing causing your anxiety.

I honestly don't think testing tells you anything. You could convince yourself of nearly anything by doing testing.
In my opinion and experience, with OCD the only way to know is to let it go. Once you've let this fixation go and stopped worrying about it for like a year, then you'll have the clarity to look at it and the answer will be obvious. It sounds impossible to do when you're the one in it, but you won't be able to discern the truth from where you are right now.

As an example, for a long time I was fixated on if I had an STD or not. I got tested like 20 times to be sure I didn't, and would question if I had it from all sorts of everyday things. To someone else, they wouldn't understand why I'd even worry about it. But to me, my brain could NOT stop ruminating on the subject and I felt like I couldn't relax or enjoy my life with this doubt gnawing at me constantly.
In the end, STD tests, getting reassurance online from medical professionals and reassuring myself only made it worse. The only thing that got me out of it was drawing a hard line; saying I wasn't going to check if I had it for a year, and was going to accept there was a chance that I did have it. This caused a lot of anxiety initially, but then I slowly stopped ruminating on the matter. Eventually my brain rewired itself not to get anxiety reactions on the subject and by the time the year was up I could look at it clearly and see that further checking was just harmful to me mentally and unnecessary.
You can't see the solution to the problem while you're still in the problem. Clarity comes from time and distance.
(It also comes from living a healthy lifestyle too which affects how you think a lot: exercise, eating well, supplements -magnesium, vitamin D, and watch for no folic acid except for methylated folate in vitamins as this can spike anxiety)

For someone on the outside like me, it's the same thing where I look at this and I don't understand why it's bothering you so much. Life is so short does it even matter if you're gay, straight or bisexual? Should it ever cause you any anxiety whatsoever or be ruining your life?
In my opinion, I think you should decide to accept that you don't know the answer for certain right now and stop doing any ruminating or checking OF ANY KIND for a long period of time. Don't be afraid to date women in the interim too. I very strongly suspect this is OCD and that if you were actually gay it wouldn't be something you were testing for, it would just be something you inherently know. I think this is the best way to ultimately know the answer and rewire your brain so you don't live in fear of it and constantly ruminate on the matter.

I remember being fixated on getting HIV from a strip club visit for around 7 months and it took my awhile to accept the test results. Also, from the same visit I got turned on and even almost got an orgasm from multiple dances idk if a gay person would.

Another troubling thing for me is I often masturbate thinking about the female perspective in porn and imagining what they feel. I even get turned on when the male pornstars penis gets revealed and I'm worried I've been focusing on the guy the whole time and what all I've said means for my sexuality. Also when I was in second grade I can remember kissing another boy I was friends with and I can also remember me and another boy showing genitals. Does this mean anything?

As for the anxiety over being gay or even bi I think is mainly coming from living a lie for years.

OCD can grow to be such a devastating thing when people don't put it in check.
I stand by my first post and these additional details don't change my opinion, nor will any other small event you later recall. Your issue is OCD, not your sexuality. Even if you knew the answer definitively as to your sexuality I don't think it would bring you long term peace. If you weren't ruminating on your sexuality, you'd be ruminating on something else. For long term peace of mind you will need to start working on getting a handle on your OCD. To do that you have to stop seeking reassurance for your doubts and stop analyzing every small thing related to your OCD fixation. At least get it to a level where it doesn't invoke a strong reaction in you.
It's going to be the hardest thing you've ever done, but in my experience you have to draw a line in the sand and refuse to ruminate on the matter anymore. That means riding out the anxiety without reassurance, letting the thoughts and doubts swim around your head as you go about your day. But in time the noise will get quieter and the anxiety will lessen, and then it will get fairly easy. Until this topic doesn't invoke OCD anxiety in you I doubt you'll ever find the answer anyway, or else you would have found it by now. If you continue to ruminate and check you just strengthen OCD, and will still be checking 10 years from now unless you break the pattern.
Nothing you've said makes me convinced you're gay and a lot of your experiences are pretty common. I think your fear should be of losing yourself to OCD, not of 'living a lie' as you said.

So I was on a car ride and I had to sit in the middle with 2 of my friends and after awhile I started to get an erection I hope that doesn't mean anything