pocd, or maybe not? i cant find any situations similar to mi

by **ShameGuiltGoober** » Thu Dec 14, 2023 11:14 pm

I say this with love, but this is why reassurance seeking doesn't help. You will always find new evidence.

when reading about child abuse stories, i am disturbed but turned on at the same time

Okay! That may or may not mean anything. I can relate to this, I was really concerned about this when I was at the height of my OCD.

i’ve never come across anything illegal but i know myself well enough that if i somehow came across something back then, such as actual abuse or something of a young girl doing things to herself that i could’ve gotten off to it

I have wondered what I would have done if I had been involved in online communities where that stuff is normalized. Would I have realized its wrong? Would I have been desensitized to it? Would I have enjoyed it?

I have also worried about the fact that if I had a younger sibling, would I have done anything sexual to them.

We are not responsible for anything that could have possibly happened and everything that could possibly happen in the future.

Yes we operate on slightly modified rules from other humans.

I'm not responsible for anything for which I have no proof of having done other than a vague thought 'did I do x?' with no clear memory or tangible record or accusation, nor can I be responsible for anything that I might only potentially do without any clear proof that I in fact intend to do it.

Anything else is mind games between me and my OCD. I've lived the most of a human lifetime without ever having done any of the things which I have feared doing. I've had harm (and vague pedo but I'm not going to dignify it by calling it POCD because it wasn't) thoughts for about half a century, and in all that time none of it has ever happened.

by **Jsnsnsnsnss929292** » Fri Aug 02, 2024 7:14 pm

I have a similar situation to you but probably worse, I started watching porn everyday around 10/11, eventually ‘normal porn’ didn’t make any dopamine in my brain so I sought out all types of c0rn vids, literally anything you imagine I’ve seen it, even the worst unfortunately, I got off to the guilt and shame of the vids, I did numerous tests online and they all say I have severe POCD but idk, since i watched and got off the bad vids idk anymore maybe it’s my autism or something… it didn’t help that I had instrusive thoughts telling me to watch it again but when I’m horny im like a different person, when I’m not watching porn I have no sexual desires at all, when I did watch those vids I thought it was all fantasy in my head but my ocd forced my brain to become desensitised, I stopped watching those vids months ago and reported everyone who gave me them to CSAM, and I’m donating to charities to help victims and I’ve helped take down p’s before online, and I’m trying to repent.

by **Hopeless1234** » Sun Sep 22, 2024 6:23 am

Hey I am not sure how you are right now ? But I hope you are ok , I can understand the guilt from something that happened in the past which you can’t find an answer to , I am suffering from same thing as well and I am older than you , I am also guilty of the fact that I masturbated to young girls having sex with older men or someone of their own age . At first it just started with searching for masturbation cause in my mind I didn’t want to imagine anyone or felt like I shouldn’t and then it finally escalated into worse kind . I think sometimes what we feel as arousal is not actually arousal and it can be disgusts well or the urge to pee when you are scared or something like that . The more you watch the more desensitised you become to it and then one day you just woke up with all the guilt on your back . You can’t change the past , truthfully you can’t remember the past , but porn does disturbing things to your brain and ocd makes it worse . It wants you to believe that you are the worst person out there and it is doing the same to me , you can’t change what happened but you can change what you do now , it’s a tough battle , a very tough and lonely one , but it’s a battle you have to fight and win , I am always on the losing side , I have lost this battle many times and in the worst of my days it would attack , but trust me you have to make it through, there are other parts to you , you are not just this so , please try to win this battle If you can afford therapy, please try it , it might make this battle a little easier . I try to tell myself , it’s fine it’s fine , if bad things are part of me , then good thi things are as well , if we can see darkness we can see light as well.

by **windwakerlink** » Mon Mar 17, 2025 7:07 pm

kittsies wrote:thanks to everyone who tried to help me. i really appreciate it but i realized i left out a lot of things in my original post that make me seem more innocent than i actually am. i think it’s a lot worse than i described and i’m just going to list why i think i have genuine attraction.

- when reading about child abuse stories, i am disturbed but turned on at the same time. i know this is disgusting. i don’t think it’s an extension of my fantasy of guys with younger girls because it could be a woman perpetrator too. i’m not sure if this has happened with stories of children doing stuff with each other but it might have happened, i’m not sure
- i have looked at legal porn where the girl looks really young and i am turned on by the size difference with the man. i feel like i’m attracted to the girl’s small body parts but only if she’s with a man? i’m not sure how to describe it. but i’m sure if i ever found videos where if there was a woman with the girl i would’ve gotten turned on too.
- this one is really disgusting and disturbing and i’ve felt sick over this for so long. when i was 15, i found these weird videos on youtube of young girls just stretching but it seems like men were uploading these videos? the videos were innocent, but i guess they were suggestive to the men uploading these videos because they were stretching pretty intensely and it was suggestive because the were making weird noises or making faces that could be interpreted as sexual i guess. well i got off to one of these videos a few times, i think i was imagining a guy getting off to the video and giving into his desire. but i feel like i was also getting off to the fact a young girl looked like she was doing something sexual
- it seems like my attraction to women is mirrored in my supposed attraction to kids. with regular porn, i can get off to women masturbating. with the animated or drawn stuff, i have gotten off to the young girl masturbating as well. and i think it turns me on more. i don’t know if it’s from the taboo of it or what
- this sounds extremely messed up but i was homeschooled so i’ve been on the internet for most of my life. i’m desensitized to a lot of things. i’ve never come across anything illegal but i know myself well enough that if i somehow came across something back then, such as actual abuse or something of a young girl doing things to herself that i could’ve gotten off to it. if it was just a girl by herself, i probably would’ve imagined a guy watching it and giving into his desire and that’s what would’ve gotten me off. but again, i feel like i would’ve also gotten off to the fact it was a young girl doing something sexual. i know this is a very big hypothetical considering it never happened but trust me when i say that teenage me wouldn’t have cared
- with the animated/drawn stuff i like it when there’s a bigger guy and even though i get off on that as well, a part of the reason i get off on it is because the girl is enjoying it when she’s not supposed to. but combined with the fact i am attracted to their genitals, it seems like it’s obvious there’s an attraction to kids

the thing is, if i was one i could accept it if i never acted on it. then i start obsessing over if i ever did anything inappropriate towards kids. i cannot figure out if i have and i think i’m creating some false memories but i just don’t know. another thing that bothers me is that i cannot for the life of me figure out if i was attracted to my “step niece”. i feel like i had some fantasies of her back then but i can’t pinpoint it so i don’t know if it happened or not? if i did have fantasies of her though there’s absolutely no doubt that i am one, and if i am one there were probably times i acted inappropriate which i just cannot live with. i know the whole point of ocd is that there will never be an answer but i need one. i really am extremely suicidal right now and i don’t know how much longer i can deal with this. telling myself i have POCD is a complete joke because it’s clear i actually am one. idk why i’m even posting this i just needed to tell everyone how messed up i actually am.

Could I ask how it’s going I relate to you a lot

by **windwakerlink** » Mon Mar 17, 2025 7:07 pm

could i ask how it’s been like since? i relate to a lot of what you said

by **windwakerlink** » Sun Mar 30, 2025 12:47 pm

windwakerlink wrote:could i ask how it’s been like since? i relate to a lot of what you said

Spikes but badly. I reached out to virped and other MAP places and they don’t know. And I haven’t gone to therapy because of fear but I still want to. Idk

pocd, or maybe not? i cant find any situations similar to mi

Re: pocd, or maybe not? i cant find any situations similar to mi

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Re: pocd, or maybe not? i cant find any situations similar to mi

Re: pocd, or maybe not? i cant find any situations similar to mi

Re: pocd, or maybe not? i cant find any situations similar to mi

Re: pocd, or maybe not? i cant find any situations similar to mi

Re: pocd, or maybe not? i cant find any situations similar to mi

Re: pocd, or maybe not? i cant find any situations similar to mi

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