relationship ocd and incest ocd. is this as bad as i think?

hi. this is gonna be kinda lengthy but i just need to explain everything. i think i cheated on my ex, and i also think i did something gross or weird. i feel really ashamed to say all this and type it all out but i don’t know what to do anymore. i just want some perspective on my situation because i can’t see anything clearly.

so, my ex and i have been on and off the past almost 5 years. last year we were broken up but still talking to each other all the time for a few months. it was my idea to keep talking because i couldn’t let him go, and he said he was going to figure out if he wanted to be with me or not.

here’s when this whole situation im freaking out about over happens. my step dad has an adopted son that he didn’t speak to for years prior to this. the last time we heard from him is when he lived with us for like 2 years when i was around 10 which is also when my mom and step dad got together. so technically he is my step brother but i never really considered him that for some reason? he was also about 7 years older than me. when he lived with us i did have a crush on him. again, i never considered him as a brother. we didn’t really have that type of relationship when i was a kid. to me it was just like my mom’s boyfriend’s kid was living with us. my mom didn’t really consider him his stepson either so yeah. he was 16 when he moved in with us and was 18 when he moved out i think? so i was 10 when he moved in and 12 when he moved out. did not see him or hear from him at all until last year.

he came to visit us last year and i found myself having a crush on him again for some reason? i was 19 then. i wanted him to find me attractive and i enjoyed hanging out with him. i feel so weird and gross for feeling that way towards someone who is supposed to be my step brother. i didn’t flirt with him or do anything with him, it was just something in my head. i’m 99% sure i would have never done anything with him anyways, so i don’t understand why it became a thing. i really didn’t even find him attractive, i guess i just wanted validation but it was like a fantasy not a real life thing? idk how to describe it. if he ever actually expressed interest in me i would feel validated but i would also be grossed out. i feel like it might’ve just been a childhood thing that came back?? idk. i had a lot of issues with self esteem back then so i wanted validation from any guy and he wasn’t really an exception since i never saw him as a brother. i remember being excited to see him every time he visited and i was hoping he found me attractive, it’s like i was always trying to impress him. it really grosses me out now.

but around that time my ex and i did get back together, and i think i still had those feelings the few other times he came to visit. i had ocd about this back then too so i tried distancing myself from him because i felt really guilty. and i also felt gross about it and wanted to tell my ex but i never did. i feel like i cheated on my ex, and i also feel like a weird and gross person for thinking of my “step brother” in that way. i feel like if my ex knew he would’ve broken up with me because of who it was. like it’s just so crazy to me and idk why i felt that way. i just feel sick about everything.

for some context as to why i decided to not tell my ex: throughout our whole relationship i’ve experienced ocd with him. during our talking stage years ago, i remember i had ocd about having a crush on my step brother when i was little. i told him about it because i felt like i was hiding something and that it was something he should know? i don’t know. he didn’t really care, he probably thought it was weird but he said it’s really not that big of a deal considering the circumstances.

i’ve also experienced cheating ocd with him. i would get crushes on guys a lot because like i said i liked validation, and he always told me i never cheated and that i could have crushes, just distance myself and don’t do anything. and to also work on the validation thing. but this was years ago. he was only like 19-20 around this time, so i feel like his opinions definitely have changed throughout the years considering he’s now 23. and obviously it being someone that’s technically my step brother makes it different.

i don’t know. i just have a strong urge to tell him everything because we’re talking again. i feel like i’m hiding something if i don’t. what if he wouldn’t wanna continue talking to me if he knew i had a crush on my “step brother” as an adult? and even when we were together. but i know i would be giving into my ocd if i did tell him

Snaga wrote:Hello and welcome.

Well, yeah, it'd be giving into your OCD to 'confess', even though it doesn't sound as if you have anything to confess.

Relationship-related OCD is a booger that's for sure. I think it's natural that we'll always be attracted to others, even when we're with someone. And well, OCD just sees that as an opportunity to make us doubt our relationships, because doubting is our superpower. But we're always going to see someone that we feel attraction to, or think is attractive.

thank you. i actually got over this worry not long after i posted it but im having a lot of issues with something else thats a lot more disturbing and makes me feel like a really terrible person. is it possible i could get your opinion on my situation through private messaging on here or something? i really dont have anyone to talk to about this stuff and i havent been able to eat or do anything the past few days